I can't help but feel the beauty that is all around me. This feeling of happiness in the bottom of my heart, that radiates from my soul to every part of me is undeniable. I almost don't know how to describe how "full" I feel. This blog comes from a very different place than most things I've written. In the past few months I have found a happiness that comes from God, and God alone.
Since I was probably 12 or 13 I've struggled with depression. It's severity has ranged from "I feel sort of almost alone" to "No one in this universe could care about what happens to me" For those of you that have never struggled with depression, be thankful. It honestly is one of the hardest things I've had to overcome. Because how do you explain a hole that no one can see? How do you explain the feeling of loneliness to someone you call a friend? It's hard and I've had very few friends understand, and even fewer friends stick around when things got hard. But this blog isn't about my struggles, because they are insignificant. This blog is about overcoming this invisible disease that no one sees, and that some people quite honestly don't believe even exists.
So how did I manage to overcome something that plagued me for so long?
For starters I want to throw this whole list to God. It is THROUGH and BECAUSE of HIM that these things happened. Without GOD I have nothing, I am nothing. Through God and his Son I become blameless and righteous, two things I could NEVER be on my own.
First and foremost I had to get to a place where I could discover the rest of this list. So getting to that point was a journey (a long one too) but I had some help.
Over the past year and a half I have had someone mentoring and discipling me, and she has been a bigger blessing than sometimes I think she could ever realize. She has truly been a gift in my life that only God could have planned out. I can't count the times I've whined to her about how hard life is, or about how I have no direction, or about how much I just wanted to give up. She never let me. That has been a huge source of inspiration. I have constantly had someone to reign me back in when I become too much, or when the only thing I want to do is run away. She has called me on my crap and sometimes it's been really hard. She has encouraged me when I've fallen. And despite my abundance of human flaws she has really poured love into our relationship. In developing this relationship she has helped me go through some major life changes. I can't say enough good things about the person she is, or the person she has helped me become. I can't tell her enough times how much I appreciate her. I can't thank God enough for putting her in my life. I can say I've not made her job as my mentor easy, ever, and yet she continues to push me into a relationship with God, never letting me be stagnant in life or in my walk with Christ.
Secondly, I found the powers I possess as a Christian. Ever watch a movie, tv show, or read a book about a wizard or a witch? Ever thought "Wow, I wish I could wiggle my nose and make my room clean itself?" Well I've thought it...I've wished for a wand so I could make things happen. I'm not getting ready to tell you that by becoming a Christian these things could happen. (I know darn the bad luck.) I am going to tell you that I do believe in Spiritual Warfare. It's all around us. It's the feelings of depression. It's the bad things that happen...sickness, death, sadness. It's all of the things that aren't from God. In learning that, I've learned I also have the "powers" as a child of God to make things better. My personal struggle is with abandonment. I used to constantly feel like everyone was going to leave. I would be left alone, and miserable. People die. People leave. Those thoughts were constant. One day they stopped. I was sitting in my car feeling more alone then ever. I was driving and crying and wondering what the point was to life if I would always feel this way. I called out to God. I explained to him I didn't want this feeling. I didn't want the pain. I didn't want the loneliness. I told all of the bad feelings to go away in the name of Jesus Christ. That last sentence the one with Jesus in it, the one where I demanded everything that wasn't from God to leave me...that sentence, it worked. IT WORKED! It worked in a way that is almost inexplicable. Truth be told, I kind of felt like Harry Potter in that moment. I was so unaware of the "powers" I possessed, until I used them. God doesn't ever leave us or forsake us, but that doesn't mean we can stand idly by, and never ask for help. He wants us to call for him, just like he calls for us, and here is the thing...He answers.
This next story probably isn't mine to tell, but I'm going too. My best friend throughout all of high school is an amazing person. She can make anyone laugh on the worst day, and she has an amazing heart. Her family was my second family in high school, and I loved being around them. Needless to say I was devastated the day she called and told me her mom had pancreatic cancer. Things didn't look hopeless, but it was still a huge punch in the stomach for all of us. Especially because pancreatic cancer isn't the type of cancer that gets cut out and it's over. It's a rough fight and for her it was a long fight, and there were many times where we thought she had won the fight, only to be kicked back down. The entire experience was gut-wrenching. Cancer is an awful disease, and I can't count the number of tears it has caused in so many lives. One day my best friend calls me. Long story short I ended up in St. Louis to be there for her after her mom had taken a turn for the worse. I hate hospitals, so to get me in one means things are bad. I was in visiting her mom when her Grandpa (her mom's dad) came in and said "Judy we all just prayed in the hallway you're going to make it, God said so." The Holy Spirit ran through my body in that moment, and every time I think about it the Holy Spirit fills me with an unexplainable joy and hope. It's true. She did make it, and last I heard she was doing really well, and the cancer was gone. Talk about miracles, and talk about answered prayers. I don't thing I've ever felt so reassured in my relationship with Christ than in those months of her recovery.
I do know through the events and people of the last few years of my life I have overcome a battle I thought I was destined to lose. I thought for sure I'd always be "the kid that got left behind" and for a while I staked my identity in that. Let me tell you, to have your identity placed in something so hopeless is a terrible spot to be in. I look back now, and I wonder how I made it day to day, because the idea of it now makes me sick. I'm not fully grown in my walk with Christ, it's a long walk, and I plan on walking it the rest of my life because it's a walk that doesn't end in this lifetime. I will say the walk looks brighter. It looks a lot like that first paragraph. Beautiful. Happy. Serene. That doesn't mean there won't be struggles because surely there will be. Sin blankets this universe and the humans that inhabit it. That causes struggle in itself. In spite of that sin and that struggle I will be able to see beauty, serenity, and happiness. My identity is not "the girl who got left behind" but rather "a child of God, a very loved child of God."
I know I'm not the only person who faces the struggle of depression, but I know when you're struggling with it, you feel alone. This blog is a very long way of saying stake your identity in a promise that is guaranteed to be fulfilled. Stake your identity into someone who will call you son or daughter and never forsake you or disappoint you. And when you find that you're a child of a wonderful and perfect God, look to the heavens and say Thank You, and Praise Jesus. Life should never be about the struggles, you miss too much when it is.
