Identity

Why do we struggle as humans with our identity so much?

I feel like this past year or two has been a giant struggle with my identity. I want so badly to be who my friends, my parents, my coworkers, my boss, and my professors want me to be. I want to be an adult, but also I want to finish out my last semester of college, simply being in college. I want to please everyone, in every way, in every part of my life, and when it doesn't work? I come home and lay in bed and think of all of the ways in which I haven't been "enough."

There was an incident yesterday that brought my insecurities boiling to the surface once again. I felt like I had let a lot of people down, myself included.  I felt like a little kid again answering to my parents after I had broken something on a shelf they told me not to touch. I came home and I tearfully fell into the hands of God. I told him I wasn't enough. And like God always does he dried my tears and said "My dearest child, you are once again missing the forest for the trees."

I'm not enough because I am human. I will always make mistakes. I will always fall short of people's expectations (including my own), and no matter how many times it happens, I will look to God and ask God "Why can't I be enough?" and he will tell me all over again that I am.

I was enough for the Holy Spirit to come live in my heart. I was enough for Jesus to willingly hang on a cross to make me righteous and blameless in The Lord's eyes. I was enough for my sins to be washed away. I was enough for Jesus to love me. I was enough for God to create me, and to desire a relationship with me so strongly that He sent his only son to earth to die.

How heart wrenching it is to be crying in God's hands only for Him to say "My daughter, you are plenty." It's a beautiful picture, but it also means I once again forgot my identity in the midst of trying to please everyone, when really the only person I should be aiming to please is The Lord. My identity lies in Christ. I am a daughter of God, and that is plenty.

I often mistake being loved with making people happy, and I often so desperately want to make others happy so I can feel loved. And then I forget I am already loved by The Lord, and that He put people in my life that already love me -- even in my brokenness, just as He does.  I may not always make them happy, I may make mistakes, but they continue to love me. Pleasing people and being loved are not the same, and confusing the two can break your heart oh so quickly.

In the midst of feeling broken, and not "enough" The Lord reminded me of the place I fit best- as His daughter, surrounded by His love, and in His arms, and that is more than enough for me.

Meeting With a Missionary

As this trip to Africa has gone from a faint call from God to a reality things in my life have changed, mostly my picture of the future. Prior to feeling this call from God I pictured my life in America, working a 9-5, dressed business professional every day.  This is no longer the life I picture for myself.

If I think five years down the road I see myself working in Eastern Africa.  A year ago...this picture would have sent me spiraling into a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions, and now it's a life I pray for.

Through answered prayers and a giant blessing from God, a woman who has been a regular customer of mine for the past 18 months mentioned her thirteen year stay in Africa as a missionary.  I immediately realized God was sending me a sign and the sign was big. and red. I asked her if we could meet. She said yes. We did lunch on Monday.

I walked away from my lunch with Carol with much more insight on what I feel is God's call, and on how to go about the next step.  First I must say Carol is an amazing woman of God who has clearly pursued Him throughout her life, and she also offers amazing advice.

Things I learned after meeting with a missionary...

1) God will make his call clear.  For Carol it involved a job change for her husband that was "never going to happen." and the selling of a very large house with a very large mortgage in the middle of an economic downturn.  God worked out everything to put her and her husband in a place while they blindly packed bags, and raised funds.

2) "Leave America here when you leave, God didn't call you to bring America with you." I'm not sure what that looks like other than truly remembering that I'm leaving something good, for something amazing.  I'm leaving a life of comfort for a life where God will have to be the center.  I need to not think so much about what I'll miss, but rather about why I am going.

3) Go for the fifteen weeks in Ethiopia, and have zero expectations.  Carol continually reinforced the fact that I can't go with thoughts of what I think God wants. I need to go, and let God tell me what he wants. If I am meant to serve in Africa for 15 weeks or 15 years he will make it clear.  I need to wait for His voice.

4)Practical stuff. She gave me information on what to bring, who to listen to, and all the steps I need to take. Not the most fun thing to talk about, but she calmed my nerves about checking bags and navigating airports.

I'm excited to have Carol as a contact. I'm excited that she wants to meet with me a few more times before I go, and she wants to help me get organized.  This was definitely a gift from God, and Carol's advice is pretty precious at the moment to a 23 year old girl with little experience in this sort of thing. She kept God in the center of our conversation, and really helped me understand what the next steps were. I am so blessed that this meeting happened.

God is working in my life, and I couldn't be more excited. I guess we will see what comes next!