I've been listening to "Beautiful Things" by Gungor repeatedly today.
I am broken. I am damaged. I sin. I have fears. I worry. I make mistakes. I throw temper tantrums. I can never be good enough.
God still has a plan in place for me to overcome all of those things.
I want so much more from my life then what I am getting currently. It's a mixture of me not trying hard enough, me losing my identity in times when I don't place God as my center, a negative attitude, and sin in general.
God is still going to make something beautiful out of me, out of this life. I know that.
In the meantime I find myself feeling stuck or alone, and it is incredibly frustrating. I find myself battling a spiral of emotions, and fighting off depression.
It's in these times when I draw to the book of James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must not doubt..." James 1:2-6
Those words give me hope. All of these emotions and trials (big and small) are making me into something much more beautiful than I am, and putting me in a place where I can serve God that much more.
"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things,You make beautiful things out of us."
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Too Much Me
Lately there has been a whole lot of me. A lot of what I want. A lot of what I feel like. A lot of what I think I need. And when I become the center of my whole world, things fall to pieces.
I need less of me, and more Jesus, and I need to be reminded of that often. God reigned me back in this week, and once again reminded me that when I don't live in the center of His perfect plan and His will, I am living in the center of my imperfect plan and my own selfish desires. I can say that living in the center of His plans will always be better than living in the center of mine.
How do I get so off course so quickly? I am entirely unsure if there is another answer to that besides I am human and I am fallen.
I do know that I want to be in the center of God's will, because I've been there before and it's been amazing.
It's been almost a year since I left the campus ministry that I was getting ready to step up and lead. I can tell you, I wanted to lead that ministry as they prepared for bigger and better things, but God told me I wasn't the leader that ministry needed. I was scared to leave, but God was right, and I knew it. So I left. In the midst of God's plan that day I had gathered up a whole lot of courage, or so I thought. In all reality I got to my car and cried. I felt so right about what God had asked me to do, but after I did it I felt like everything I knew had fallen apart. It had. Turns out it had fallen apart because God was getting me ready to make an even bigger move. I had to trust Him in the smaller things to trust Him in the bigger things. So here I am looking back and realizing that was the center of His will, and in the months that followed (despite how scary they were at times) I am a stronger, and slightly more mature Christian because of that decision. I am reminded of this in a time that God is getting me ready for another big leap of Faith as I jump into the center of His plan once again. I get moments of courage only to be flung back into moments that seem rather scary, but I keep telling God I am all in.
God,
Empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Place me in the center of your will.
Lay out your plans for me.
This life is yours.
I am all in.
I need less of me, and more Jesus, and I need to be reminded of that often. God reigned me back in this week, and once again reminded me that when I don't live in the center of His perfect plan and His will, I am living in the center of my imperfect plan and my own selfish desires. I can say that living in the center of His plans will always be better than living in the center of mine.
How do I get so off course so quickly? I am entirely unsure if there is another answer to that besides I am human and I am fallen.
I do know that I want to be in the center of God's will, because I've been there before and it's been amazing.
It's been almost a year since I left the campus ministry that I was getting ready to step up and lead. I can tell you, I wanted to lead that ministry as they prepared for bigger and better things, but God told me I wasn't the leader that ministry needed. I was scared to leave, but God was right, and I knew it. So I left. In the midst of God's plan that day I had gathered up a whole lot of courage, or so I thought. In all reality I got to my car and cried. I felt so right about what God had asked me to do, but after I did it I felt like everything I knew had fallen apart. It had. Turns out it had fallen apart because God was getting me ready to make an even bigger move. I had to trust Him in the smaller things to trust Him in the bigger things. So here I am looking back and realizing that was the center of His will, and in the months that followed (despite how scary they were at times) I am a stronger, and slightly more mature Christian because of that decision. I am reminded of this in a time that God is getting me ready for another big leap of Faith as I jump into the center of His plan once again. I get moments of courage only to be flung back into moments that seem rather scary, but I keep telling God I am all in.
God,
Empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Place me in the center of your will.
Lay out your plans for me.
This life is yours.
I am all in.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
10 Things I needed to hear...
I don't usually do this, but here is my second blog in one day. I think writing things out helps me process them, and as a by-product you get to read my processing.
I met with Genesis for Starbucks tonight, and two hours later I still feel pretty butt-kicked. For those of you who don't know our relationship...She has butt-kicked me several times, and always out of love, and so it's rather acceptable, and usually deserved. Today I learned that once again her job as my mentor is NOT to tell me things I want to hear, but rather to tell me what I need to hear.
1) I best be praying for discernment and obedience, because I need it. (So true...)
2) Asking God for something, and Him saying "Yes, but not right now," may also be code for "This is a time of preparation, so you best be using it." (Totally...)
3) Once number two is realized, I actually have to use this time of preparation to get the ball rolling (dang and I thought I had this list down so far)...God will not "poof" you things like a passport...you have to actually go apply for it. (I really would rather Him "poof" me things, Genesis seems to think this is unrealistic...I'm still insisting I am right on this one, she will tell you otherwise.)
4) Patience. (Oh goodness, how much I hate that word...)
5) If you ask God for big red flashing signs, and he sends you five of them and you don't catch on...He is going to send you a sixth one in the form of a person who will tell you about the five you have missed previously. (Crap, she was right, those were big flashing red signs, and sometimes I make fun of Jesus' Disciples for not getting the whole bread and fish thing the first time. I now know I have no room to talk...)
6) I have more knowledge than I let myself believe, and I'm further along than I think, I still have a long path ahead. (I have come a long way...there is still a lonnnnng way to go)
7) At some point faith MUST play a part in this adventure, and I'm not letting it, which means I'm not trusting God, which means I need to start, and ASAP. (Anyone want to guess how much this kicked my butt?)
8) Learn to praise God in and for all things. (I'm good at this when things are good, I'm also good at this when I realize something in hindsight, I am NOT good at this in the moment of me NOT getting what I want, when I want it.)
9) The list of spiritual gifts is long, I now know quite a few of them that I do not have, so maybe I need to focus on what I do have, and then use them. (Vision is not my gift without a doubt)
10) Discernment and Obedience. (It gets two spots cause I didn't like just 9, and this one seems important)
Butt-Kicked.
Temper-tantrum thrown.
Efforts to work on at least some of this starts... soon-ish... (says Lauren the Procrastinator)
Kelsey: You can sit here and pout about being wrong for a while and then go do all of this, or you can just go do all of this and speed things up. Either way you will in fact go do all of this.
Me: You're right. Totally pouting first though.
"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
"When you come to the edge of all light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly."
I met with Genesis for Starbucks tonight, and two hours later I still feel pretty butt-kicked. For those of you who don't know our relationship...She has butt-kicked me several times, and always out of love, and so it's rather acceptable, and usually deserved. Today I learned that once again her job as my mentor is NOT to tell me things I want to hear, but rather to tell me what I need to hear.
10 Things I needed to hear tonight (but most likely didn't want too)
1) I best be praying for discernment and obedience, because I need it. (So true...)
2) Asking God for something, and Him saying "Yes, but not right now," may also be code for "This is a time of preparation, so you best be using it." (Totally...)
3) Once number two is realized, I actually have to use this time of preparation to get the ball rolling (dang and I thought I had this list down so far)...God will not "poof" you things like a passport...you have to actually go apply for it. (I really would rather Him "poof" me things, Genesis seems to think this is unrealistic...I'm still insisting I am right on this one, she will tell you otherwise.)
4) Patience. (Oh goodness, how much I hate that word...)
5) If you ask God for big red flashing signs, and he sends you five of them and you don't catch on...He is going to send you a sixth one in the form of a person who will tell you about the five you have missed previously. (Crap, she was right, those were big flashing red signs, and sometimes I make fun of Jesus' Disciples for not getting the whole bread and fish thing the first time. I now know I have no room to talk...)
6) I have more knowledge than I let myself believe, and I'm further along than I think, I still have a long path ahead. (I have come a long way...there is still a lonnnnng way to go)
7) At some point faith MUST play a part in this adventure, and I'm not letting it, which means I'm not trusting God, which means I need to start, and ASAP. (Anyone want to guess how much this kicked my butt?)
8) Learn to praise God in and for all things. (I'm good at this when things are good, I'm also good at this when I realize something in hindsight, I am NOT good at this in the moment of me NOT getting what I want, when I want it.)
9) The list of spiritual gifts is long, I now know quite a few of them that I do not have, so maybe I need to focus on what I do have, and then use them. (Vision is not my gift without a doubt)
10) Discernment and Obedience. (It gets two spots cause I didn't like just 9, and this one seems important)
Butt-Kicked.
Temper-tantrum thrown.
Efforts to work on at least some of this starts... soon-ish... (says Lauren the Procrastinator)
Kelsey: You can sit here and pout about being wrong for a while and then go do all of this, or you can just go do all of this and speed things up. Either way you will in fact go do all of this.
Me: You're right. Totally pouting first though.
"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
"When you come to the edge of all light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly."
Accountability.
7 A Mutiny Against Excess (of Food, Clothes, Possessions, Media, Waste, Spending, and Stress) by Jen Hatmaker has changed the game of life. The book has been a factor in the way I live my life, more than ever I can pin-point things that are purely excess in my life, and walk away from them (some of them a lot easier than others). I love the book, (read it if you haven't) but more than that I love the women I am reading the book with.
I watched these past few weeks and especially this past weekend as these women have lifted each other up, held onto one another when things got rough, and most importantly resolved that none of us were going anywhere. The words from the weekend that keep pulling at my heart...
"Look around, this is who you are spending eternity with, no one is leaving, no one is walking out, we're living this life and the next one TOGETHER."
That's powerful, and simultaneously it's a hard thought to swallow. That means I'm accountable to other women. Women who are strong, and lovers of Jesus who will tell me when I am not walking the walk, who will tell me when I'm screwing up, and who will reign me in when I've resolved to run away. Let me tell you, these women aren't shy. They don't beat around the bush. They don't avoid things. They don't wait out potential "phases." They can be cut throat, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I need to be called out on my own bullshit sometimes, and this group does it, and they do it in love.
As we all sat around last night I was reminded of a time when I straight up walked out of a restaurant because I was angry with what had been said. (Guilty, but I thought I had pulled it off better than that) I left that night angry, sad, and probably slightly hurt. But the person sitting across from me was right, and I knew it. Last night despite having walked out in anger then (and probably several times since then) she was still sitting next to me. Still loving me, still pushing me to be better, still just being there.
Realized: It really is this life AND the next one. Despite our brokenness and our fallen state we have been given the ability to love one another in such a way that we can say this is permanent.
Look around at the Christians in your life, remind yourself it's this life and the next one. We are in it for the long haul of this life, and the eternity of Heaven. We have one another for a reason, and we are dependent creatures, we need God first, and our brothers and sisters in Christ second. We need to lift each other up, and love each other. We need to forgive each other, and keep each other on the path. The path is narrow and when you're about to fall off of it you need someone who is going to grab your hand and pull you back on.
I watched these past few weeks and especially this past weekend as these women have lifted each other up, held onto one another when things got rough, and most importantly resolved that none of us were going anywhere. The words from the weekend that keep pulling at my heart...
"Look around, this is who you are spending eternity with, no one is leaving, no one is walking out, we're living this life and the next one TOGETHER."
That's powerful, and simultaneously it's a hard thought to swallow. That means I'm accountable to other women. Women who are strong, and lovers of Jesus who will tell me when I am not walking the walk, who will tell me when I'm screwing up, and who will reign me in when I've resolved to run away. Let me tell you, these women aren't shy. They don't beat around the bush. They don't avoid things. They don't wait out potential "phases." They can be cut throat, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I need to be called out on my own bullshit sometimes, and this group does it, and they do it in love.
As we all sat around last night I was reminded of a time when I straight up walked out of a restaurant because I was angry with what had been said. (Guilty, but I thought I had pulled it off better than that) I left that night angry, sad, and probably slightly hurt. But the person sitting across from me was right, and I knew it. Last night despite having walked out in anger then (and probably several times since then) she was still sitting next to me. Still loving me, still pushing me to be better, still just being there.
Realized: It really is this life AND the next one. Despite our brokenness and our fallen state we have been given the ability to love one another in such a way that we can say this is permanent.
Look around at the Christians in your life, remind yourself it's this life and the next one. We are in it for the long haul of this life, and the eternity of Heaven. We have one another for a reason, and we are dependent creatures, we need God first, and our brothers and sisters in Christ second. We need to lift each other up, and love each other. We need to forgive each other, and keep each other on the path. The path is narrow and when you're about to fall off of it you need someone who is going to grab your hand and pull you back on.
"24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. " Hebrews 10:24-25
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
....Stop me if you've heard this one.
First let me say that the following is simply whining. Nothing more and nothing less. My feelings are validated...well because I say so, and at this point in my life I don't believe in justifying emotions. I am simply allowed to just have emotions.
I deactivated my Facebook about a month ago. I won't lie to you...I've reactivated a total of 3 times in that month to scope out my newsfeed just to see what I was missing. One day I even posted because I was in the middle of a four hour History 103 binge and needed an escape. But the reason for original deactivation was two fold.
1) I'm reading this book about getting rid of excess.... Dear Everyone, Facebook is an excess. While I miss having instant wireless connections to many people, I do love and value my face to face time with my closest friends much more.
2) I was logging onto Facebook and seeing a whole lot of engagements. Don't get me wrong...I am happy for my friends (and their significant others) who have recently decided to tie the knot in the next year or two. All SEVEN of them. Yup that is right, for the past six weeks someone has gotten engaged. One week, two of my friends got engaged in the SAME week. Congrats, I love you all, but my love for you as the lovely human beings that you are does not overshadow some tinges of jealousy I occasionally expierience in my times of being a human (and an imperfect&flawed human at best)
I'm definitely NOT out here saying "OMG I WANT TO BE MARRIED AND I WANT TO BE MARRIED NOW" Totally NOT what this is about. None the less I would like to feel like I had "that person" in my life or that I was at least closer to finding that person.
Okay so END whining, cue other important things.
I deactivated my Facebook about a month ago. I won't lie to you...I've reactivated a total of 3 times in that month to scope out my newsfeed just to see what I was missing. One day I even posted because I was in the middle of a four hour History 103 binge and needed an escape. But the reason for original deactivation was two fold.
1) I'm reading this book about getting rid of excess.... Dear Everyone, Facebook is an excess. While I miss having instant wireless connections to many people, I do love and value my face to face time with my closest friends much more.
And here is where the whining starts.
(skip this paragraph it really is what I call a "First World Problem")
2) I was logging onto Facebook and seeing a whole lot of engagements. Don't get me wrong...I am happy for my friends (and their significant others) who have recently decided to tie the knot in the next year or two. All SEVEN of them. Yup that is right, for the past six weeks someone has gotten engaged. One week, two of my friends got engaged in the SAME week. Congrats, I love you all, but my love for you as the lovely human beings that you are does not overshadow some tinges of jealousy I occasionally expierience in my times of being a human (and an imperfect&flawed human at best)
I'm definitely NOT out here saying "OMG I WANT TO BE MARRIED AND I WANT TO BE MARRIED NOW" Totally NOT what this is about. None the less I would like to feel like I had "that person" in my life or that I was at least closer to finding that person.
Okay so END whining, cue other important things.
Things I do have... (and am VERY thankful)
- Jesus (He is the bomb.com) If you don't know him, call me. I'll introduce you, (I'll even give you the number to his direct line) and it will change your life.
- Food. Let's discuss more about that excess. Hey did you know there are kids who don't have food? Some people go days without eating...and they probably whine less than me.
- Friends. All of them. (Even you engaged ones that I might be feeling slightly jealous about) Yup I love all of you, and I'm glad I have you in my life.
- Family. My mom and I currently are in the best spot we've been in for a long time. My last trip home went amazingly well and I felt like we got some good Mom/Daughter time. She is the best, and my Dad is quite the guy too. I'm proud to be their daughter, and I am simply lucky to have parents.
- My job. Yes I whine. Yes I complain. But heck, they pay me so all in all it's not that bad.
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