To My Friends and Family on Christmas Day

I'm sitting in the house I grew up in, and the memories of past years fill my head. The year I had the stomach flu, the year I got a pink Barbie convertible, the year I found out Santa actually preferred to go by "Mom," the year I got a guitar, and last night at 1am as I sat in the living room with my mom.  We opened gifts, just the two of us.  I am awestruck by the beauty of these memories, and so many others that occurred in this house.

Even more than the memories, I am awestruck by the author of them, by the writer of my life, by the God that knows my past, present, and future even better than I.

I sit here and realize how many things have fallen in just the right way. Even when  I was not a believer God was working to bring me to Him.  I did nothing to earn His grace. I did nothing to earn His favor. I did nothing to ever deserve His love.  Here I sit, in awestruck wonder, at Him.

Christmas is different this year.  I spent 19 years never truly understanding the full meaning of Christmas.  When I finally became a Christian it was amidst much loss. Christmas never truly focused on Christ in the past 4 years, but on the empty places in my heart.  This Christmas I feel different. I am brought to tears by the thought of a baby in a manger.  My heart feels light, and I feel overjoyed at the best Christmas gift any of us have ever and could ever receive.

I am blessed to call each of you family by blood or by Christ.  I am blessed to have people who love me on my best days and my worst. I am blessed to have family that supports me in everything.  More than anything I am blessed to have a Savior who has called me by name.

Merry Christmas

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11

A Letter

Dear Sara,

Today would be your 31st birthday.  I woke up this morning, and thought about what I would have said to you in a text message.  It went like this:

Happy Birthday Sis, sorry you're getting old :P

I don't know what you would have said back. Probably thanks and shut up.  I do know this: I miss you more everyday, not less.  It's harder to remember your laugh, but what we laughed about will forever be with me.  I try not to think about the days we didn't have or the times when things weren't perfect. I try really hard to do things that make you proud, or at least make you smile.

I'm going to Africa in September, and I can't help but think how happy you would be for me.  I'm blessed to have such an amazing support system here, and I know in a way you are a part of that.  It's hard for me not to wish you were here when I talk about my trip, I just know how excited you would be for me.

I carry you with me everyday in some way or another. I will always miss you, but I promise to keep moving forward. When I get sad or stressed or frustrated I think of how you called me "baby girl" and always told me things would work out.  And you know? They always have worked out.

I know you hated that your birthday was so close to Christmas but I'm probably not going to be writing you another letter...this one seems crazy enough. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.

I love you. I definitely wish I would have told you that more, but I know you knew.

Love,
Lauren

This is What You Left Me.

This is what you left me:

A letter to yourself.
Letters to some other people.
Some scribbles and notes,
that have no value to me other than
they were yours.  You left me
with some memories, but no pictures.
You left me with a lot of what ifs
and whys, and for a while I thought
some where answers would appear.
They never did.
You left me with a box of stuff.
Sometimes I feel like I am just
holding on to trash you never had
a chance to throw out.
This is what you left,
me.

Finding the Middle

I'm an extremist.  I don't believe in grey areas...(I don't even like the word gray because no one can agree how to spell it. I looked it up...both grey and gray are acceptable but "gray" is the American preferred version...I currently think America is wrong on this though so I stick with my original spelling.)

I'm either utterly obsessed or completely uninterested. I'm either having the best day ever or the worst. I'm either checking everything off of my to-do list or not even writing one.

This is a problem in every aspect of my life as you can clearly see.

I struggle when it comes to finding middle ground in myself, in my faith, in my day to day life, and in everything else it seems.

It's the years of struggling to be a perfectionist that has finally caught up with me.  If I can't be the best then I might as well not be anything, so I might as well not even try... (I wouldn't want people to think that I'm trying and just not succeeding.)

Where did my hatred for the middle come from, and how do I fix this?