This Plan was Never Mine

Funny thing how we fallen and sinful humans work....

See 6 months ago when God put Africa on my heart, I wanted to tell Him no. In fact it was a daily prayer for me to continue moving one foot in front of the other as this process began. It was His plan, and not mine, and therefore slightly inconvenient for me.

Then my heart started to get used to the idea. Fear subsided. Excitement happened. Emotional investments were made.  Slowly but surely it became my plan.  Yes, originally it was God's but I took it off His plate, I mean He has so many other things to deal with that surely, this one, well I could manage.

And then the great graduation debacle came along and screwed up my plans, and I went into a tizzy while I convinced myself that MSU was single-handedly trying to blockade God's plans for my life from happening.

Funny part is that somewhere along the lines I had taken God's plan and made it mine. I had stopped giving it to Him, because well if you didn't know He is very busy being God, and I could handle this.

Tonight I'm reminded in a very big way it is still God's plan, and perhaps He needed to show me that.  I've thrown a fit thinking that my plans were being ruined, but they were never my plans in the first place.

I had lost hope and faith in God because I had put too much stock in my abilities to take over and then everything fell apart.  I wish this was shocking to me, but it isn't.  Rather it is a reoccurring lesson learned once again.

My dad and I talked tonight and this is what he said: "Take the emotions out, and logically rewrite how you're going to achieve what you want."

Take the emotions out? Silly dad there are no emotions, after all I'm a thinker not a feeler (please roll eyes here.)

The next part involves my emotions temporarily being set aside:

1) Graduate...it has to happen and it has to happen before I leave. Mainly because I've come to realize I can enjoy my trip a whole lot more if I'm not dreading coming back to finish school the whole time I am there.

2) Go. No I haven't heard back from the orphanage on resetting dates, but like all the other emails in the past that email will come too, it just might be a bit further out. I'm still going. If for some reason it isn't with that ministry, there will be another.

3)While completing steps one and two remember that this isn't my plan, it is God's plan. Which means nothing will be ruining it or blockading it, and that when changes are made last minute I have no right to be upset because  I am not the author of the plan  (Good thing too), and the one that is already took into account all of the factors I never could foresee.

A Curve Ball...

This whole graduation thing is God's plan.

Whether it works out and I graduate in 3 months or it doesn't and I graduate in 8 months, it is still God's plan.

God's plan is better than my plan...I think?...Okay, okay, okay. It is. I know it. My plans fail every time. His plans have worked out for the best over and over again.

I struggle because I DESPISE school. I'm not good at it. It's hard for me to focus. I don't really care. I sort of resent MSU for how much money it cost. My degree isn't in demand...at all...and probably never will be. I went to college to appease a whole lot of people.  Telling me I have another semester that I hadn't expected is the exact thing to send me into a whirlwind of  fowl language, anger, and tears.

I'm aggravated, I had my post graduation plans planned.  I'm trying hard to praise God in this. It is for a reason (I know that) but in the middle of all of it, my heart just sort of hurts.

It's the extra semester, it's the delay to my trip to Africa, it's feeling like I discerned God's call incorrectly.  At some points this week it has felt like God has been saying "This is my way to tell you this isn't my will for you."  Then I remind myself of the scripture I've been reading and re-reading.  Going to Africa is in God's will for me, too many things have lined up for it not to be, but in my anger and sadness over the whole incident the devil has found himself a foothold, and it sucks.

The devil is using this, I've felt it in various ways.  I've always been told bad things usually happen before a missions trip, and right as I had gained momentum and began making giant steps towards my goal, and I had really started to feel at peace, this happened.

I've never been good at praising God in times of hardship. After turbulence has passed, and I can see what came out of it, I am great at it; however, mid-tornado you can usually find fallen and sinful me screaming things that don't begin with "Praise God."  This is totally an opportunity for me to work on it, and I am trying.  Every time I feel resentful I pull out my Bible, I podcast a sermon, I pray, or I turn on christian radio. I am desperately trying to get through this by praising God, but it is hard.  Perhaps this is what God is teaching me in all of this? Perhaps this is where His plan comes in?

I don't want my anger and sadness over this issue to give the devil any satisfaction.  I will pursue Christ in this time, and I will continue to praise Him, or at least go to Him in my sadness knowing that He will be there to meet me.

This is not life-ending, it is simply a change in plans, a curve ball, and a bump in the road.  God will work through it and in it, and I have to trust in that.

Please keep praying for this trip, for me, and for God's plan.