Regardless, I Will Choose to Praise Him

I hate depression. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.  I wish I could say that I can visibly see God working through this stupid illness for a purpose, but honestly part of this whole depression problem is that my vision is tunneled.

My heart hurts. I don't know how else to explain it, other than that. I keep praying that it goes away, and sometimes it does. There are days when even I forget it's there, but those days aren't nearly as numerous as I would like.  I know one day it does go away. One day I go home to be with God, and all of it goes away, and I long for that more than anything.

In the mean time, life keeps going.  Some times it feels like I've hit pause and everyone else is on fast forward. I want to lay in bed, and shut out the world. I don't. I can't. I'll keep going, because in the midst of the tears, and the pain, and the times when I feel like I've been left completely alone by every single person I care about...I have a Savior who sits with me in a dark room, and reminds me of His love for me.

I once listened to a Matt Chandler study on Philippians.  There is a verse that says "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say, rejoice." (Phil 4:4) That Bible verse haunted me up until I heard Matt Chandler speak on it.  When you struggle with something like depression the words "Rejoice always" make your stomach hurt. Please notice it is a command. It is not something Paul says "if you feel like it..." He states "Rejoice ALWAYS." Rejoicing can be hard, and "always" seems nearly impossible. (And obviously Paul was on crack, right? Nope. Paul knew what He was saying)  Chandler took a different spin on it than what I had always assumed it meant. He talks about how you should rejoice that even in your pain, God is there. Even at the times when I've been beaten down, God is there, in my pain, with me.  In that, I will rejoice.  A perfect God has no need for a sinner such as myself, but He chooses to look at me, and call me daughter, and He loves me.  That is something to rejoice in, and so I will.

I hate this illness, because a lot of times people don't understand. It's not something I can just "get over," it's not something I chose for myself, it's not something I made up in my head.  I look perfectly healthy, I lead a very normal life, and I've made a conscience effort to not let this disease define my everyday. A friend once shared this with me, and I find more often than not I want to plaster this all over the place so people could understand how awful they sound sometimes when they talk about depression or other mental illnesses:

I usually don't speak out on this. I don't think I've ever been this vocal about it, but it's nearly 3am in my apartment, and honestly this evening/weekend/week has not been awesome.  I'm angry that I'm stuck with this. I'm angry that it runs in my family. I'm angry that if I ever have kids,  chances are they will fight this same battle.  I'm angry that there are so many people in the world fighting this same battle, and I pray they find comfort in God. I'm angry that this illness claims lives every day, just like so many other illnesses but it's not taken seriously because it isn't always physically visible.  I'm angry that I will live with this for the rest of my life, and that people who love me have to watch, knowing there is very little they can do other than continue to love me.  I'm angry at this illness, and I'm angry at myself for having it, sometimes (like at the beginning of this blog 10 minutes ago) I'm angry at God for not taking it away.

In spite of my anger...I will praise Him for the times that He has comforted me. I will praise Him that in my anger He sits with me, just like in my sadness. I will praise Him for the people I do have, that do understand, that give me the courage to get up and move when I don't want to do anything. I will praise Him simply because He is God, and He is a perfect, almighty God. Maybe in my choosing to praise Him, He will work in that. I know He has a plan, and I know it is far better than my own. If I have this battle with depression there is a reason. He will work through it and in it, and in that I seek comfort.

Giving Up

Realized:  God has called me to give everything up, in His name, for His glory.

Realized: I've been fighting this call every step of the way.

This is me throwing in the towel folks, on my life and my plans.  I've fought God every step of the way. He has asked for sacrifices and I have given Him shrugged shoulders and indecisive answers. He has asked me to trust and love people, and I've built walls in fear of letting people in. He has called me to a life of serving others, and I've asked for more "me time."He has called and called and called, and I fear I have not answered, at least not fully. It seems to me that He has knocked, and I've only just begun peering out the window.

My desires: To serve and know God on a more intimate level than I have even dreamed...

My actions: Serving myself, and finding comfort here on this earth.

This earth is not meant to be comfortable. This earth is not meant to be permanent. I am not on this earth for myself, I am here because of and for Him.

I've been wanting and doing separate things for far too long.

I need to give up my plans, but why is that so hard?!? Why is it that every time I think about God's calling for me I give Him terrible reasons of why I can't follow His plan?  It's His plan, and I can fight it, or I can follow it. I seem to think that following it sounds like a better path.

All I can say dear friends, is that I am a work in progress, but God is working on me, and I feel it and see it every day.  I don't know what my life looks like a year, or five years down the road. I don't know where I am going or what I am doing, all I know is that I need to stop trying to figure it out, and start leaving it to God to show me the way.

So here is to really giving it up, to laying it down for God. I want to serve Him. I want to love Him. I want to glorify Him.  I want Him, all of Him, and none of me. I am a sinful creature, and that is absolutely what it comes down to. I am sinful, and I NEED Jesus Christ for my salvation.

God, I promise I am all in, but my flesh is challenging that everyday, and I refuse to let that win out over a life dedicated to you. More you. Less Me.  Help me be everything you desire me to be, cause I cannot do it without you.

Fairy Tale Endings

Somewhere deep inside me the desire for a Happily-Ever-After-sort of love still is very real, but this week I looked around, and thought to myself....Happily ever after simply doesn't exist in the year 2012.  

I don't know if anyone has ever really looked around, and I mean really looked. The divorce rate in the country is over FIFTY PERCENT.  That means over half of all marriages end in divorce.  Statistically, that is heart breaking.   I am a product of divorce, and I don't know if that's what drives my desire for marriage that lasts or feeds my cynicism that says I'm better off just never getting married, never falling in love, and letting go of the dreams that the five year old princess version of me thought up.  I really looked around this weekend, and I have very few references for successful marriages that I have witnessed.  

This week I found myself asking if true love even really exist.  Can I just say that. that thought crushed my soul? I think I spent most of this weekend wishing I'd never even watched a Disney movie, and as a lover of Disney movies that breaks my heart.  While cynicism and naivete battled it out in my heart, God made this clear...

First, God is love.  Knowing that, and believing in God reassures my heart that love must exist, because I know God exist. 

Second, My happily ever after was established long ago. God called me His child, and then He sent his son, Jesus Christ to die for me.  That sacrifice in itself is an expression of the purest form of love.  My happily ever after isn't in this life, it's in the next one.  The five year old version of me, desperately wants to believe in Disney movies. The child that God called His, knows that "Happily Ever After" is promised to me in eternity.

Third,  The only man I'm currently interested in chasing is Jesus. God has placed a call on my life to go to Uganda, and spread His love.  In thinking about that my heart fills with joy.  I found myself doubting love, and God reminded me that He has called me to do just that, love.

Fourth, God has shown me love not only through the sacrifice of Jesus, but through the people He has placed in my life. The desire of my heart is to pass the love I have been given through my christian community on to other people.

More than anything God has called us to love on this earth, and love exists in so many more ways than the Disney movies would have you believe.  Don't get me wrong I still love my Disney movies, and I still want to believe in Prince Charming, but it's not my fairy tale ending.

Naivete and cynicism still play their part, and their still both at odds inside of me when it comes to love and marriage.  I can only hope that somewhere on that scale a real-life love can be found, and a marriage can settle and be successful in that. 

Regardless of what happens, My fairy tale ending comes in the next life when I am spending every moment worshipping a God that is perfect and loving, and the best prince charming I could ask for already died to save me, and in that reconciled me with a perfect God that I long to know more intimately.

Twenty Minutes that Changed Everything

I usually don't talk to people in my classes, at least not people who don't sit directly next to me. It's not that I don't want to, but really just because the opportunity rarely presents itself.  Yesterday was my last day of in-class classes, and a weird thing happened so here it goes...

There was a girl who sat probably 8 desks away from me, and while I knew her name, we had never talked. Well it was the day of the final and we were the first 2 in class with twenty minutes to spare before the final, so we started talking.  

Side Note: I don't usually share my feelings with people I know (I'm sort of a bottler) And I definitely don't share my feelings with strangers.

In our process of talking she really started to let me in her life. She told me about her parent's divorce and her life long struggle with depression, and usually I find these conversations awkward, but this one wasn't for whatever reason.  She then showed me a poster she had on her computer, and in big bold lettering it said: "What would happen if we treated all diseases the way we treat depression?"  At this point in time we had really bonded in the previous five minutes.  I don't know why, but I opened up a bit (perhaps I felt called to let her know she wasn't alone?) We talked about our experiences in life, and the struggle it is to explain depression to people who just don't understand. We don't choose to feel the things we feel, in fact we'd rather choose much happier feelings, but it doesn't always work like that.

I should have taken that moment to open up about Christ. I didn't, time ran short, people started walking in,  I got shy, and I wish I would have said more, after all Christ has been my biggest defender in this terrible battle with depression. Lesson learned, next time I am totally taking it to that level. However I took something else very valuable away. 

I am not alone.

I know it sounds silly, and like "Well, duh you should have known that," but honestly sometimes I forget.  I feel like I spend so much time with people who don't understand this battle that I face, or perhaps they do and they just never talk about it...I don't know. Then again I don't usually bring it up either.  I feel like sometimes we take the humanness out of ourselves, in effort to be more presentable to others? I don't know. It's like we make this huge effort to show each other this perfect package in all of us that doesn't really exist.  I'm done trying, it doesn't work and more often than not it makes me feel isolated. I'm making the effort to be me more.  I don't know why I've been so intent on being this "strong person" and this "perfect package with a bow on it" I am not those things, but oddly enough in recognizing that I made a more real, human connection with someone I talked to in 20 minutes than I have with 80% of the people I see and talk to daily.  I guess this is my promise to make an effort to be less of the "funny kid" that I use to mask emotions and more of the me that I really am, the me that deserves to be valued, not hidden away.  

So I promise to start living life with people. I promise to put away the "funny kid", and really start to let people in, and not just via blog. We are all human, and I have no intention of continuing the trend that is so present in society. I am not a perfectly wrapped gift with a bow on it. I'm a UPS package that has been dropped and dented a few times, but God loves me, Christ died for me, and I think that means I am worth loving relationships in this life.

Now that all of this has been said: I am much happier, and I'm ready for this next stage of my life.