My heart hurts. I don't know how else to explain it, other than that. I keep praying that it goes away, and sometimes it does. There are days when even I forget it's there, but those days aren't nearly as numerous as I would like. I know one day it does go away. One day I go home to be with God, and all of it goes away, and I long for that more than anything.
In the mean time, life keeps going. Some times it feels like I've hit pause and everyone else is on fast forward. I want to lay in bed, and shut out the world. I don't. I can't. I'll keep going, because in the midst of the tears, and the pain, and the times when I feel like I've been left completely alone by every single person I care about...I have a Savior who sits with me in a dark room, and reminds me of His love for me.
I once listened to a Matt Chandler study on Philippians. There is a verse that says "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say, rejoice." (Phil 4:4) That Bible verse haunted me up until I heard Matt Chandler speak on it. When you struggle with something like depression the words "Rejoice always" make your stomach hurt. Please notice it is a command. It is not something Paul says "if you feel like it..." He states "Rejoice ALWAYS." Rejoicing can be hard, and "always" seems nearly impossible. (And obviously Paul was on crack, right? Nope. Paul knew what He was saying) Chandler took a different spin on it than what I had always assumed it meant. He talks about how you should rejoice that even in your pain, God is there. Even at the times when I've been beaten down, God is there, in my pain, with me. In that, I will rejoice. A perfect God has no need for a sinner such as myself, but He chooses to look at me, and call me daughter, and He loves me. That is something to rejoice in, and so I will.
I hate this illness, because a lot of times people don't understand. It's not something I can just "get over," it's not something I chose for myself, it's not something I made up in my head. I look perfectly healthy, I lead a very normal life, and I've made a conscience effort to not let this disease define my everyday. A friend once shared this with me, and I find more often than not I want to plaster this all over the place so people could understand how awful they sound sometimes when they talk about depression or other mental illnesses:
I usually don't speak out on this. I don't think I've ever been this vocal about it, but it's nearly 3am in my apartment, and honestly this evening/weekend/week has not been awesome. I'm angry that I'm stuck with this. I'm angry that it runs in my family. I'm angry that if I ever have kids, chances are they will fight this same battle. I'm angry that there are so many people in the world fighting this same battle, and I pray they find comfort in God. I'm angry that this illness claims lives every day, just like so many other illnesses but it's not taken seriously because it isn't always physically visible. I'm angry that I will live with this for the rest of my life, and that people who love me have to watch, knowing there is very little they can do other than continue to love me. I'm angry at this illness, and I'm angry at myself for having it, sometimes (like at the beginning of this blog 10 minutes ago) I'm angry at God for not taking it away.
In spite of my anger...I will praise Him for the times that He has comforted me. I will praise Him that in my anger He sits with me, just like in my sadness. I will praise Him for the people I do have, that do understand, that give me the courage to get up and move when I don't want to do anything. I will praise Him simply because He is God, and He is a perfect, almighty God. Maybe in my choosing to praise Him, He will work in that. I know He has a plan, and I know it is far better than my own. If I have this battle with depression there is a reason. He will work through it and in it, and in that I seek comfort.
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