Application #2

Okay so here is sort of a general Africa update...

I've been feeling like a door got closed on me and I've been sitting in a very vacant hallway for a while now.  No news, no e-mails, no updates, no decisions, no flights.  I wanted to scream, but instead I pouted (or maybe I did both.)

I felt like I had discerned God's call incorectly. Maybe He was telling me no. Maybe this wasn't His plan for my life. Or maybe He wanted me to see how badly I had actually wanted to follow His lead.

Before the whole graduation thing I wasn't sure. I was scared. I wasn't blindly following Him, rather asking Him a whole lot of questions.  I think I'm more prepared now to blindly follow His lead because now I know how much I want this. I don't need to know where the money will come from...just that it will show up. I don't need to know how I'm going to survive without my family and friends in another country...just that He will be there, every step of the way. I don't need to worry about dying on a plane...just that He will be there to help me get through it.

I just finished my application for Ethiopia, and ideally tomorrow it will be in the mail.  I'm guessing  I will hear back rather quickly...by December 15th.

Please pray for this. Pray that I keep my head together, and that I give all of this to God. This is His plan, not mine and I need to STOP being a control freak because as I was reminded by the sermon this morning, I am not and never will be in control of how life happens.

I've learned a lot about myself the past 6-8 weeks, and I've learned a lot about my relationship with God.  He is making me better than  I could ever become on my own.

So here goes application #2...please pray for this.

My 20s had No Warning Label

My 20's had no warning label.  

Your teenage years come labeled as "the awkward years."  You know before you get there. You're going to get braces, you're going to be in junior high and high school where girls will be catty and boys will be jocks, someone is going to stomp on your heart, and some where in between all of that you'll learn to have fun, and hey the good news? College will be rock awesome! So I squeaked my way through junior high and high school, and on the days that were less than perfect I told myself this was normal, every one thinks your teen years suck. 

College came, and despite some of the hardest times in my life happening my freshman year; college turned out to be everything it was hyped up to be... and more.  And then something happened...I turned 23. I changed my major five too many times. A lot of those friends I had graduated before me. They got engaged. Some even got married. A few are already having/have kids.  And this is what it feels like...

"You feel like you're 6 years old in the San Diego Zoo (It's a big freakin' zoo) And you're searching for a familiar face. Hold tight. Pray a lot. Eventually a voice will come over the loud speaker to tell you where you can go to be found."  --Paul Angone (His article "21 Secrets for Your 20s" may have rocked my world)

So. True. I'm watching so many of my friends live the life I thought I had wanted. I wanted to get married right out of school. I wanted to start my career (making 50K right out...and no less, of course) I wanted to buy my first house. I wanted to begin having a family. I wanted all of that, and now being approximately 30 minutes wiser than the last time I realized all of my friends were moving on and up while I was "stuck" part of me still...sort of...maybe...kind of wants it. (Honesty is the best policy...)

Then there is a bigger part of me, that wants something so very different.  I want to travel across the ocean. I want to help someone.  I want to chase God. I want to explore. And honestly? I want to do it single.

Don't get me wrong, if you're ready for marriage I think that's great. I, however am not.  98% of mornings I wake up, and I don't even like myself all of that much until 10am...much less another human being (Yeah...I'm just not a morning person)

I feel like I was never told that it was okay to feel that way until the past few years.  My whole life I have been given the next stop. Kindergarten, elementary school, junior high, high school, college, grad school/marriage, career, babies, grandkids, etc. This week I've realized I don't want the traditional next step. I want my next step, and I want it my way.

I want to use the next 3-6 years to travel, I want to be authentic in every relationship I have, I want to stop holding tightly to people and things that don't make me happy, I want to make mistakes, and to work crappy jobs I don't necessarily love, and I want to write it all down just as I see it.

So here is to moving up and moving on....my way.

P.S. Does anyone want to warn me about my thirties before I get there?

God, Are You Even There?

The past month has been a struggle.

I've felt discouraged, alone, frustrated, and depressed.  I kept making more and more time for God, but it simply felt like He wasn't there.   I felt like He had left me when I needed Him most.

I know He didn't leave.  Scriptures say He never leaves us, but it felt like it.  I truly felt like I was sending Him SOS signs, and He was just not answering.  My heart kept hurting more and more, and I felt like I was drowning.

I came to Christ in a time where I needed stability. People I loved were passing away left and right, and I needed something/someone I could grip onto, someone that wouldn't let me go. Christ was that for me then, so needless to say the past month in the midst of graduation struggles, and dreams of Africa seemingly dashed I was looking for that support, and I wasn't finding it.  Cue depression.  Cue me shutting down. Cue heartbreak. Cue bottling emotions. Every bad habit I felt like I had broken in the past few months came back at a startling rate.  I didn't ask for help. I didn't tell anyone what I was feeling. I just held it in the best I could, and told everyone God has it under control, despite the fact that my belief in that had long faded.

This morning I was sitting in my car, driving to work, and God showed up.  I'm sure He had been there all along, but out of nowhere I felt the Holy Spirit come down around me.  My heart calmed, and an answer sort of struck me. The answer I had been begging for.  I'm going to Africa this summer. No, I haven't heard back from the orphanage, but I'm confident God has something planned...I just don't know what.

Throughout my day I just felt free. I felt God lifting me up and surrounding me. I felt Him telling me to keep going.  I've wanted to throw this dream away for a whole month now; things have just seemed hopeless.  My spark is back, I am willing to wait, but also ready to go.  God has this, but more importantly I feel God holding me in His hands and taking this burden away.

One more semester. I can do anything for 6 months, and that includes chasing this dream.

Yes, God was there. I'm unsure why He felt distant, and there is no real clarity to "What I learned in the past month."  What I do know is that I will appreciate this journey that God is sending me on that much more.

I read this from Jon Acuff's blog today and I feel like it fits...(paraphrasing here people) Perseverance is the ugly part of dreaming.  The world is full of dreamers; dreaming is easy. Doing is the hassle.

A reminder to keep going.  Simply beautiful in a time when I've wanted to throw my hands up and scream "God, are you even there?"