God, Are You Even There?

The past month has been a struggle.

I've felt discouraged, alone, frustrated, and depressed.  I kept making more and more time for God, but it simply felt like He wasn't there.   I felt like He had left me when I needed Him most.

I know He didn't leave.  Scriptures say He never leaves us, but it felt like it.  I truly felt like I was sending Him SOS signs, and He was just not answering.  My heart kept hurting more and more, and I felt like I was drowning.

I came to Christ in a time where I needed stability. People I loved were passing away left and right, and I needed something/someone I could grip onto, someone that wouldn't let me go. Christ was that for me then, so needless to say the past month in the midst of graduation struggles, and dreams of Africa seemingly dashed I was looking for that support, and I wasn't finding it.  Cue depression.  Cue me shutting down. Cue heartbreak. Cue bottling emotions. Every bad habit I felt like I had broken in the past few months came back at a startling rate.  I didn't ask for help. I didn't tell anyone what I was feeling. I just held it in the best I could, and told everyone God has it under control, despite the fact that my belief in that had long faded.

This morning I was sitting in my car, driving to work, and God showed up.  I'm sure He had been there all along, but out of nowhere I felt the Holy Spirit come down around me.  My heart calmed, and an answer sort of struck me. The answer I had been begging for.  I'm going to Africa this summer. No, I haven't heard back from the orphanage, but I'm confident God has something planned...I just don't know what.

Throughout my day I just felt free. I felt God lifting me up and surrounding me. I felt Him telling me to keep going.  I've wanted to throw this dream away for a whole month now; things have just seemed hopeless.  My spark is back, I am willing to wait, but also ready to go.  God has this, but more importantly I feel God holding me in His hands and taking this burden away.

One more semester. I can do anything for 6 months, and that includes chasing this dream.

Yes, God was there. I'm unsure why He felt distant, and there is no real clarity to "What I learned in the past month."  What I do know is that I will appreciate this journey that God is sending me on that much more.

I read this from Jon Acuff's blog today and I feel like it fits...(paraphrasing here people) Perseverance is the ugly part of dreaming.  The world is full of dreamers; dreaming is easy. Doing is the hassle.

A reminder to keep going.  Simply beautiful in a time when I've wanted to throw my hands up and scream "God, are you even there?"