I Owe God More.

Tonight was one of those nights. I was veggin' out on my couch, watching Miss Advised (probably 2nd to only Dance Moms) after having gorged down dinner with Kate, and then God interrupted.

If it had been an audible conversation and not the Holy Spirit it would have gone like this:

God: Go read your Bible.
Me: No God, I'm watching Miss Advised...later.
God: I'm going to keep bothering you until you do it.
Me: I'm going to keep watching Miss Advised, and actively ignoring you.

*ten minutes pass*

Me: Okay, fine, you win, stop looking at me like that.

Okay so I did get up, put the television on mute, grabbed my Bible, and sat down on my bed.  I ended up at the book of Malachi.  I'd read it once before (I only know because it had been highlighted, but up until rereading it, I probably couldn't have told you what it was about.)  The book of Malachi revolves around God's people short-changing him.  (Really there is no better term, God was straight getting gipped.)  They were sacrificing blind/crippled animals they couldn't sell, they weren't tithing, and even the priest weren't living up to the standards God had set. On top of it all, they were complaining...about everything.  God's response..."Come worship me when you mean it."

Convicted? Oh yes.  Can I tell you how often I pick Dance Moms over Jesus?  Okay I honestly don't want to admit that number in a blog, but even once is too many.  Oh and new episodes of Dance Moms premieres on Tuesdays (aka during Community Group) and I am pretty sure every single Tuesday I throw in a comment about how mad I am about missing Dance Moms (Okay I have a problem, I know God already made it clear) It's not just Dance Moms though...God calls us to use our time, talent, and treasure to serve His kingdom, and I think it is fair to say I've been slacking.

God is calling me to more. More time with Him. More time with His people. More use of the gifts He has given me. More sacrifice in my life, so I can serve others. I owe God so much more than what I am currently giving.  It really is a gut-wrenching realization. I feel like I have short-changed the God that has breathed life into me, and has given me EVERYTHING for a few episodes of Dance Moms, and more time on my couch.  I think it's time to re-evaluate how I am living my life. I am spending a whole lot of time doing things that aren't growing his Kingdom in any way, I am spending a whole lot of time serving myself, and not Him.  (I sort of feel like it's 20% Him and 80% me, and I sort of feel like it needs to be closer to 100% Him and 0% me...P.S. admitting that sucks.)

I'm promising Him more. I don't really know what that looks like, but I'm going to find out.  I think it starts with less time watching Dance Moms, Miss Advised, and the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  (I won't continue the list but I can tell you RHNJ is Sunday nights, Miss Advised is Mondays, and Dance Moms is Tuesday...you get the point...I am a trash T.V. junkie...it is my guilty pleasure without a doubt)

For the past few months I've prayed more Him, and less me, and I think He is calling me to it, and I couldn't be happier. I want nothing more than a life that actively seeks Him in everything I do, after all I've learned over and over again that I am most joyous at the center of His will. There will be times when I need a kick in the butt (Tonight is example A) but I know God kicking me into gear, simply means that He has truly set me apart, and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

So one more time, God I ask for a whole lot more of you, and a whole lot less of me.

Yesterday's News

I guess it's time to write another blog, but first a very important excerpt from an e-mail  I received yesterday...

"Sorry that it has taken some time for me to review your application and get back to you regarding serving with Rafiki Africa Ministries. I have reviewed your application and we would love to have you serve at the orphanage!! 

What dates would you prefer to come to Uganda? On your application you mentioned coming for 6-8 weeks and anytime in the Spring of 2013. We would love for you to come sometime in February 2013"  

 

Did you read what that said? Cause I have read it one million times now so feel free to read it again.  Seriously go read it again, or I am not continuing.

I AM GOING TO UGANDA IN FEBRUARY 2013!!!! 

So the first time I said it out loud to a friend on the phone I just started crying and laughing.  I have waited, and prayed, and waited, and prayed for this email.  Then it got here, prayers answered, this stage of waiting is now over, and now I am planning/fundraising/preparing for a trip to Africa.

Praise Jesus for this moment, for the moments to come, and for the day I get to live out a call He has placed in front of me.  I am excited, and overjoyed at this opportunity.  Now that it's happening, in hindsight it is easy to see God had this planned long ago. Many things happened to get me to this point where I could not only hear and discern this call from God, but that I would have the exact people in my life now encouraging this trip, and loving me through freak out after freak out.  

So in 29ish weeks I will be boarding a plane with my Bible and an ipod flying across the ocean (conquering my fear of planes, and airports) with Jesus as my guide, my friend, and my protector. I couldn't think of a better travel partner to be honest (My mom is wishing that her, 5 body guards, a friend, and a traveling connoisseur were going with me, but I keep telling her Jesus is a way better option.)  Bless my mom for worrying, but uhh I too am a worrier by nature (anyone want to guess which parent passed that onto me? I'll give you a hint...it wasn't dad!) and therefore I need her to not worry, because I need her to stop me from worrying.  So prayers that one of us (my mom or I, or both would be nice) could maintain a grip on reality as this adventure proceeds.

Other details:

Fundraising starts NOW. This trip is going to cost money (lame right?) but the money will be there because God has called me to this so I am not going to get hung up on this little detail.  I have bills back here I have to maintain while I serve in the orphanage for 8 weeks, I have to cover my own airfare, and due to inflation in Uganda it is about $300/week right now to stay in the orphanage, which would cover transportation, food, internet, housing etc.  So currently this is what I need: Fundraising ideas, helping to carry out those ideas/plans, and prayers.  If you would like to donate to this trip monetarily I can give you the information on where to send the money so it is tax deductible. 

Please know that money is not the only way to support me in this. Prayers, encouragement, love, helping hands are all going to be needed to get this underway. God has all of the money in the world, and I believe that the money will happen one way or another. I firmly believe God hasn't gotten me this far for anything to stand in the way. There will be obstacles, but I have a God bigger than any obstacle.

Most importantly: Please keep praying.  Prayers, prayers, and more prayers.  Last week one of the lovely ladies I go to church with pulled me aside and told me she felt the Holy Spirit pulling on her to encourage me. I needed it.  God has His way of working through people in times like this.  It means the world to me to have such strong support from everyone.  My mentor for the past two months has been diving into this with me, and helping me with every freak out I've had, and on Thursday told me she really believed in this, and that too means so much to me.  I need my family in Christ more than ever right now as I spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally prepare for this trip. I am 22, and my life is changing in dramatic ways.  I know I CANNOT do this without God and my Christian community, I know that. So Thank you times a million for any words of encouragement, love, or prayers you send up  to God for this trip over the next 29-37 weeks.

All my love to each of you! 

Because Occasionally I Write Poetry...

It's like people are waiting on me, 

but not on the me, that I am right now. 

Like one day the world will wake, and well I, 

I will be this new person, that isn't so broken? 

(Is broken the right word?) 

We're in a room now, and I'm standing in front of you.

The words "I'll just wait," hang delicately between us

But the version of me that you are surely waiting on, 

may not exist. This is it, and there is nothing more. 

I stare at the floor, or off into the distance,

I don't want to see the longing, or worse, the 

disappointment that grows with every moment.

Perhaps if we wait long enough, the person you've been waiting on

will stumble in, and I will realize it was never me in the first place.

Or maybe you will see that there is nothing more, waiting is useless,

and quietly you will tiptoe out of the room, and never look back. 

Time keeps passing, and I'm starting to wonder how much longer.

And then I wonder if it's possible for you to take me exactly as I am. 

It's a fleeting thought, but it seems to linger a second too long.

For just a single moment, I believe I am enough.

What A Day!

Updates on well, everything.

Africa...

I am still waiting on the official email that says everything is a go, but in the meantime I'm getting things accomplished.

*Dates for vaccinations are set up (12/20/12)
*Passport application completed and turned in. (4-6 weeks this girl will have a passport, and will hopefully have exact dates by that time)

Most importantly, I feel that this call keeps being reaffirmed by God.  Every time I begin to doubt without fail the Holy Spirit has come to remind me of why this is happening, and how blessed I am to have this opportunity. Also without fail right when I think something will stand in my way, the obstacle is promptly conquered...God has that ability, and it is amazing to watch.

Work....

As of today, I have accepted a full-time teller position at Great Southern.  Here is the amazing thing, my managers are fully aware that I am leaving for Africa in the spring, and they are proceeding with this offer anyway. This was not the original plan, but it feels to me like it is God's plan.  This is a guaranteed extra ten hours a week that can be applied to saving for Africa.  It is beautiful how God has truly worked this situation out. His plans keep becoming more apparent, and I couldn't be happier.

School....

I rock at reading Children's Literature, and I also rock at British Lit essays.  So basically, I am rocking this semester out, and actually LOVING my classes.  This section purely got added because zero times in the history of my college life have I loved my classes, and I feel like documenting this time is awfully important.

Life in General...

I made a decision last week that has been slowly but surely approaching for almost six months now. I'm not ready to really talk about it, past that I could really use some prayers.  Tomorrow night could be a real game-changer in my life so pray that everything happens the way it is supposed too.  I need quite a bit of courage and some luck, and unfortunately I have misplaced my Felix Felicis potion (Harry Potter references are totally necessary, please do not judge me.) Regardless send up some prayers for me in regards to this matter, and I would be incredibly grateful.

In other news,

God keeps showing up, and I just hope I continue to pursue Him more and more everyday. More Him, and less me.

I Need Out

So in the overwhelming emotions of Lauren, this week  the "I need out" kicked in.  I go through this occasionally. Last time I was a senior in high school getting ready to leave my parents house and move to Arkansas.  I think it's my reaction to overcome fear, like instead of being scared I just get restless.

But seriously... it was just one of those days that made me feel so blessed to know there were better things on the horizon.  I just hit a point today where I realized everything is changing, and I'm enjoying the ride. I'm sure there will still be freak out moments and panic (lots of panic) but today when I started to think about graduation, and life six to eight months from now I genuinely got so excited I couldn't stop smiling.

I look forward to what lies ahead, and I'm ready to move on.  I need someone to keep me in check though, because I can't abandon here and now quite yet. I have to graduate, I have a job that I still have to maintain until the day I board a plane, and ultimately there is a reason why God has placed this call for post-graduation and not sooner.

There is a weird balancing act here I never thought I'd have to pull off and it looks like this:

1) Enjoy now, get prepared, use this time God has given me for preparation.
2) Be excited about the future, don't be anxious, but instead keep praying, God will lead.
3) Don't be too excited about the future that you forget to do #1

I went from sitting across from my mentor, almost in tears, from being told to read a book (Kisses from Katie, it's fair to say it was in fact a game changer in the "Life Plans of Lauren") to now, the point where I am overwhelmingly excited. There will still be tears (they were present on Sunday) but they are less "I can't do this," and more of "I can't believe I am this blessed."

I know I keep ranting about this trip, but it has very much consumed me.  It is the forefront of every prayer and every conversation and honestly, every thought.  My mind is one-tracked in that way.  Which really brings me back to: I need to reality check myself. I have a semester left at MSU, here in Springfield, Missouri, which means I need to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually present here for the time being.

I should also mention I'm not good at balancing acts...so, um...can I board a plane yet? (Disclaimer: When it is time to physically board a plane, I will be crying hysterically, and freaking out, but that time isn't now so I'm just overly anxious to leave...)

The Overwhelming Moments

So prepare for more word-vomit about missions in Africa...

Are you ready?

Okay, here we go...

This is my everyday series of thoughts and events:  "I cannot wait to get out of Springfield. I cannot wait to board a plane and go. I'm so excited this is happening. I'm ready God, can I just go now? Okay how about now?"  Cue minor event (an email, a bible verse, a passport application, a doctor's appointment for vaccinations, a conversation with a friend, my own thoughts occasionally) "Oh crap. This is happening. I can't do this. What happens if I get lost? What happens if something goes terribly wrong. I can't breath. I can't think about this. Too much. Too soon. Too much. Canada! Can I just go to Canada? Canadian orphans need help too." Cue the Holy Spirit stepping in, sometimes via someone else. "I can do this. God has a plan, I just have to trust Him. This is life changing, and God has it under control. I just have to follow His lead.  I am called to do this, it is all God's will. It's going to be okay."

Now that repeats about six times a day. To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement.  I am somewhere between couldn't be more frightened, and couldn't be more excited.  As I talk about it with people, the emotions involved whirlwind, today I just sort of started crying after church. Luckily I have been met with so much support, and love, and excitement.

God keeps reminding me with every freak out that I am not doing this alone.  The Holy Spirit has pushed me this far, and by the grace of God, it will keep pushing me further.  More than ever I've seen the Holy Spirit talk through people in most unexpected ways.  God has made his presence known to me in more and more ways.  It seems every time I start to doubt Him, or I feel like I have discerned incorrectly He sends a reminder, or a big red flashing sign that I am on the path He has called me too.

I want this to glorify Him. This is not me. This is NOT me. I am doing none of this. This is not my plan for my life, this is God's plan for my life. I have to keep saying that, I have got to keep saying that. When people tell me how awesome it is that I am making these decisions I have to constantly keep God at the forefront. I am NOT making these decisions. I have been called, and honestly I tried to say no to this call. This call is scary, and unfamiliar to me. God has sent the Holy Spirit to push me further and further into this. None of this is me, I am just a part of a plan that is bigger than myself.  I honestly think this trip is going to be a bigger blessing to me than anyone else.  Yes, I am going to Africa, and yes I plan on sharing the love of Jesus with kids who have experienced more pain, and sorrow than  I can put into words, but God could call a lot of people to this, and He has called me.  In my mind that means He has an incredible amount to teach me.

Overwhelmed or not, I am doing this. Scared or not, this is happening. I know I keep saying "This is happening." I'm sure you all get that at this point, but I think when I write "This is happening." it reaffirms it for me.  I need to keep seeing it in writing. It makes it a bit more real, because honestly, until I step foot on Ugandan soil, it isn't going to feel real.

Keep praying. Please keep praying. Did I mention to keep praying? There is a lot still up in the air, the orphanage still has to email me back saying "Yes,we want you here for 8 weeks. Board a plane on this day, and we will pick you up."  I long for that email more than anything else these days.

Seriously I cannot praise God enough for everyone that is supporting this in various ways. I cannot praise God enough for all of you. I cannot praise Him enough for the life He has given me, that has led me to this point.  I am entirely overwhelmed with blessings, emotions, and praise for God. I am also entirely overwhelmed by the love of the people He has put around me.

Overwhelmed seems to be the feeling I get most, but honestly I don't think I want life any other way right now.

It Seems This is Actually Happening...

I am anxious. Not the bad, nervous, anxious, rather the I need something new anxious.

I think it is why this week I've been feeling more "Can I board a plane for Africa already?!?" and less "Holy Motown Batman what have I gotten myself into?!?"  The anxiousness of leaving really kicked in on Tuesday when I officially said no to a full-time teller position.  I think that's when it really hit me that  I wanted this trip so badly that sacrifices I thought I couldn't make, would indeed be made.

So Starbucks habit? Knocked out. (I even missed out on free coffee day, and free is in the budget!)

Job decisions? Made.

All that's left is to leave right? ...well not exactly.  

Progress is definitely happening. During one of my more anxious moments today I called the doctor to make an appointment for vaccinations (12/20/12...oh that seems so far away), so that is one thing I can check off of my "to-do" list.  Tuesday, on my day off, I'm headed to the post office with my filled out DS-11 and getting my passport.  As I plan more things, and more details fall into place, I get more anxious (the good kind), and less scared (hallelujah, praise God!)

My parents are also falling into the excited boat these days too it seems. My dad started to really get excited for me when I was home last and we ate dinner together and talked about it for almost an hour.  My mom yesterday volunteered to officially dog-sit and pay for vaccinations, which is a huge step for her because she has for sure needed some convincing.  It seems that all is coming together, and I couldn't be happier.

Then tonight I ate dinner with a friend, who is an International Business major (this girl loves to travel) and as we talked about her semester she spent in London, I only got more excited for what awaits me in Africa.  At this point 8 weeks is almost not seeming long enough...

This is real. This is happening. I cannot believe it, and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know I need to be focused on here and now (this girl has to graduate before boarding a plane to anywhere...) Nonetheless I am having trouble containing myself (I know blog #17 about Africa.)  I think I just need to find myself a hobby to keep me entertained between now and then, I think the hobby might just be "How much money can Lauren save?" Did someone say coupons?

Okay I'll stop going on about nonsense, blog quality has quickly declined over the past two paragraphs.  But seriously, on a more important note there is this:

My God is an amazing being, and I can't even begin to fathom His love for me.  I just keep thinking how blessed I am for my earthly parents, and how I'm even more blessed because of my Heavenly Father who loves me.  I can't even put into words how I'm feeling or how excited I am.

Pursuing Dreams...

First let me say: "If your dreams don't scare you, then they aren't big enough."  Let me tell you this dream of 8 weeks in Africa scares me way more than anything else I've faced in life.

Okay so here it is....

Sometimes (okay all of the time) I need reassurance that I am doing the right thing.  I can't make decisions for the life of me. Oh, and please never ask me to choose sides in a fight. I just can't do it.  It isn't in my nature. Even when I know what I want, I usually don't realize how much I want it until it is no longer an option to have.

I've wanted to be full time for the past year at my job. It means so many things in my world. It's one step closer to being an "adult." It means benefits that I don't reap as a part-time teller, and it also means that I've climbed the ladder one (mind you very small, but still) one step higher in the business world.  Before it ever became a tangible, I wanted it.  This week it became so tangible I thought I had it in my hands. Turns out there was going to have to be a trade off.  I was asked to make a one year commitment at least, so July 2012-July 2013 to stay at my job in this full time position.

I can't do both a one year commitment and be in Africa for eight weeks in the Spring of 2013.  I found myself having to make a decision.  I started to take polls of the people around me.  What did they think I should do? Would postponing my trip three or four months really make a difference?  Is going to Africa really what I should be doing with my time?  

Let me say this: I have amazing friends, family, and a God-filled Christian community around me.  So much so that, this decision was incredibly hard, and I did desire their input.  I wanted someone I trusted and loved to tell me what to do, obviously no one was going to do that.  I gave a lot of reasons why postponing, and taking the job instead would be beneficial. More time to save. It's just a few months. There are benefits. Paid holidays. Not a single person played into any of those excuses.

So this is where I stand:

My favorite movie is "Up in the Air" with George Clooney and the only line that keeps replaying in my head right now is when he is sitting across the table from one of the people he has just fired and he says..."How much did they pay you to first give up on your dreams?"  That line punches me in the gut. I've spent months finding the courage to just send in an application, the whole time being scared out of my mind,  but thinking how much of a life changing experience it is to have a God that has called me to this big of a plan.  Ten more hours a week, six paid holidays, and a few extra benefits is not and never will be enough to give up on my dream.

I want to go to Africa, and sacrifice is undoubtedly going to play a major role in getting there. "You get a strange feeling when you are about to leave a place; like you'll not only miss the people you love, but you'll miss the person you are at this time and place because you'll never be this way again."  Things are changing. I am changing. Life is changing.   

I am scared, incredibly scared, more scared than I've been in a very long time but I refuse to let fear stop me from pursuing what makes me happy

All I can say is right now my friends, and family are a driving factor.  I get myself on these metaphorical ledges and I can't talk myself down sometimes, so God has without a doubt been sending just the right people, with just the right words, at the exact times to pull me back down to reality and show me just how much confidence and love they have for me, and show me the side of me that says "I can do this."

This is happening, and today's decision means I am one step closer. 

So once again I find myself saying this: God more of you, less of me. I want Your will not mine done, so I am all in.  

Dearest friends, keep praying for this. Please keep praying for this.  I need you all more than ever.  I'm not able to do this on my own, but with God and the people He has put in my life this can happen, and knowing that is an amazing feeling.  I am blessed to be given this chance. I am blessed to be given the people I've been given in my life. I am blessed to be on the path I'm on.

Fear.

Fear is probably the emotion I hate most. Mainly because all of my life I have let it guide me in one way or another.  Fear and worry are my two worst enemies, and probably my two biggest pitfalls.

This week someone asked me if I was scared to go to Africa...the answer...yes. I am absolutely terrified.  I know nothing about international travel, and nothing about airports.  I watch crazy shows about people who get arrested in foreign countries and never come home. I have odd paranoias about something going terribly wrong.  Then on top of that, I'll be alone.  The only thing worse than being afraid, is being afraid and by yourself.

Crap. What have I gotten myself into?

I do know this: being afraid is easy, really easy. Letting fear make your decisions is also pretty easy regardless of how undesirable it might be.  I've thought of backing out of this whole going to Africa thing probably once a day, but something keeps pushing me. I think we can call that something the Holy Spirit without a doubt. The Holy Spirit is going to give me the courage, because God knows (and so do I) I do not have it.

I guess the point of this isn't me having some earth shattering realization that trusting God is way better than being afraid.  I know that trusting God is the way to go, but I am human, and seem to really be falling short of that right now thanks to my two "friends" Worry and Fear. (And the thing that just ran through my head...oh look at me using an allegory in a blog... okay... sorry... I have ADD)

God is steering this ship, and I have a feeling ready or not I'm leaving for Africa sooner rather than later. Praise God for giving me this opportunity, I truly am blessed to be able to have the chance to serve His Kingdom.

Yes I'm afraid in a way that I don't think I can adequately put into words.

However, it just doesn't matter because I'm on God's plan, not mine, and I am all in.