Twenty Minutes that Changed Everything

I usually don't talk to people in my classes, at least not people who don't sit directly next to me. It's not that I don't want to, but really just because the opportunity rarely presents itself.  Yesterday was my last day of in-class classes, and a weird thing happened so here it goes...

There was a girl who sat probably 8 desks away from me, and while I knew her name, we had never talked. Well it was the day of the final and we were the first 2 in class with twenty minutes to spare before the final, so we started talking.  

Side Note: I don't usually share my feelings with people I know (I'm sort of a bottler) And I definitely don't share my feelings with strangers.

In our process of talking she really started to let me in her life. She told me about her parent's divorce and her life long struggle with depression, and usually I find these conversations awkward, but this one wasn't for whatever reason.  She then showed me a poster she had on her computer, and in big bold lettering it said: "What would happen if we treated all diseases the way we treat depression?"  At this point in time we had really bonded in the previous five minutes.  I don't know why, but I opened up a bit (perhaps I felt called to let her know she wasn't alone?) We talked about our experiences in life, and the struggle it is to explain depression to people who just don't understand. We don't choose to feel the things we feel, in fact we'd rather choose much happier feelings, but it doesn't always work like that.

I should have taken that moment to open up about Christ. I didn't, time ran short, people started walking in,  I got shy, and I wish I would have said more, after all Christ has been my biggest defender in this terrible battle with depression. Lesson learned, next time I am totally taking it to that level. However I took something else very valuable away. 

I am not alone.

I know it sounds silly, and like "Well, duh you should have known that," but honestly sometimes I forget.  I feel like I spend so much time with people who don't understand this battle that I face, or perhaps they do and they just never talk about it...I don't know. Then again I don't usually bring it up either.  I feel like sometimes we take the humanness out of ourselves, in effort to be more presentable to others? I don't know. It's like we make this huge effort to show each other this perfect package in all of us that doesn't really exist.  I'm done trying, it doesn't work and more often than not it makes me feel isolated. I'm making the effort to be me more.  I don't know why I've been so intent on being this "strong person" and this "perfect package with a bow on it" I am not those things, but oddly enough in recognizing that I made a more real, human connection with someone I talked to in 20 minutes than I have with 80% of the people I see and talk to daily.  I guess this is my promise to make an effort to be less of the "funny kid" that I use to mask emotions and more of the me that I really am, the me that deserves to be valued, not hidden away.  

So I promise to start living life with people. I promise to put away the "funny kid", and really start to let people in, and not just via blog. We are all human, and I have no intention of continuing the trend that is so present in society. I am not a perfectly wrapped gift with a bow on it. I'm a UPS package that has been dropped and dented a few times, but God loves me, Christ died for me, and I think that means I am worth loving relationships in this life.

Now that all of this has been said: I am much happier, and I'm ready for this next stage of my life.