Today at 9am I felt like my whole world collapsed. MSU punched me in the stomach, broke my heart, and then stomped on it.
I was planned to graduate in December. (Why yes, that is 3 months from now). Today I find out there was an error in my degree audit. NINE credit hours are missing. That's three classes, and it looks like an extra semester. I will not graduate this December, but in May. My heart fell apart, and I cried.
I had Africa planned in February.
I had family looking forward to my graduation.
I was done with school.
I had decisions made, plans made, and bottom line I was ready to start life post-graduation.
So what does this mean for Africa/Fundraising?
I'm still going. I emailed the orphanage to see if we could reset dates in June. Not for 6 weeks, but for a year. Fundraising is still happening, as far as I'm concerned this is STILL God's will, and I will plan accordingly until He makes it very very clear it's not. This may be a six month delay, but delays happen all of the time. Life is made up of these, and I have a perfect, almighty God to carry me through them. UGANDA IS STILL HAPPENING! I haven't doubted that for a single moment. The fundraising we have planned is still a go. (In June it will still cost money) I have no doubt that I am meant to serve at this orphanage. I have no doubt that something bigger and better is coming of this.
How are you feeling?
I feel like crap. I played the blame game for a while this morning. It was my advisors fault, it was MSU's fault, it was my fault. That game made me feel a whole lot worse. I called my dad and cried to him mid-work day. I cried to my assistant manager in the middle of my progress report. I cried to my best friend on the phone. I cried to my mentor. I cried to a whole lot of other people, and basically I just cried a lot. I shed a lot of tears today. I told myself today I could cry as much and as hard as I wanted as long as tomorrow I picked up the pieces, and I moved on with my head held up. Tomorrow I pick up the pieces. Tomorrow I pick my nine credit hours, and I enroll. I will PRAISE GOD in this moment. It hurts...most definitely but His plan is happening.
My one request...
Pray about this, and for me. It really isn't easy to have your whole life pushed back six months, in fact it is really hard. I don't know why this is happening, and God and I are on a need to know basis, and right now...I probably don't need to know. He has this covered, but I am human and need prayers. Pray that I truly give this to Him in this time. Pray that I keep my thoughts positive. Pray that God's plan and God's glory shines through in all of this.
To everyone who let me cry today...
Thank you. I needed it, but more than that I needed your support, which was also overwhelmingly present. I am SO THANKFUL for each and everyone of you. I am thankful for moments like these where I can recognize God's amazing ability to put the right people in your life at the right moment. I am going to be okay. This is nothing but a bump in the road, and I will praise God for it because I know there is a reason.
Things I know:
He has plans for me to give me hope and a future.
He works all things in my good.
He is there when I call on Him.
When I am lost, He will find me.
Nine credit hours will not stand between me and my dreams, and it definitely won't stand between God and His plan. Praising God for all He has done and will do.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
In Over My Head
There are days I think of boarding a plane and living in Uganda, and I long for it. I long to spend time with the kids that are in the orphanage. I long to learn so much about myself and the Ugandan people. I long to be in the dead center of God's will for my life with a fiery passion that is beyond explainable. (That last part is more the Holy Spirit than anything, I'm sure of it...)
Then there are other days. I think of life here. I think of my friends, and family. I think of my dog. I think of birthdays and holidays I'll miss. I think of the small things, like waking up to my puppy curled up on my pillow, and drinking Starbucks with friends. I think of driving my car with the windows down, and I think of how much I love pizza. I think about the weddings I can't be in, and the friends I've let down. I think about missing my best friends baby girl turning one (that one breaks my heart). I think about how there is no possible way I will ever be ready to do this.
Truth is: I'll never be ready. I'll never be ready to give up everything I've ever known in exchange for something entirely unfamiliar. That's where God comes in. I won't be ready, but He is ready. He is ready to walk with me. He is ready for me to rely on Him whole-heartedly. He is ready for me to be one step closer into my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Today at church I told someone "Jesus is ruining my life." They acted as if I shouldn't of said it, perhaps it sounds "taboo." Truth is: JESUS IS RUINING MY LIFE! He is ruining everything I've ever known and relied on in an effort to bring me closer to Him, and to be honest I told Him to do it. I invited Him into this. I wanted this. Yes, I mean when I say He is ruining my life, but He is doing it in the most God-glorifying way. He is ruining a life filled with comfort and complacency. He is ruining a life filled with happiness that relies on stuff and relationships that aren't permanent. He is ruining everything that I want to cling too and run from simultaneously. He is saving me from everything that has defined and destroyed me at various moments in my life.
My flesh is scared. My flesh is fighting this. My flesh is sinful.
I'm reaffirming this once again: God, I am all in for whatever your plan is, because quite frankly my plan sucked.
As my friends and family, you can go all in on this with me. You can support me and love me and encourage me, or you can not comment. There is no in between. I don't want to hear what I'm risking. I don't want to hear what I'm leaving. I don't want to hear one more word about what I will miss back here. I already know, but I also already know that I would give up EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP AND ITEM I HAVE FOR JESUS CHRIST.
That is why I am doing this. This was not, is not, and will never be about me. It's about HIM. It's about the one thing in my life that I need and want more than anything else. The Bible is clear. "Let the dead bury their own," "What you've done to the least of these you've done to me," "Follow me," "Sell everything you own and give it to the poor," and those are only a few things racing through my head right now. I DESIRE TO FOLLOW JESUS IN A DEEPER WAY THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE.
I can't tell you how many fears I have going into this, I can't tell you how sad I get when I think of things I will miss, I can't tell you how many tears I've cried, and will cry between now and then.
Support me. Love me. Let me cry. Let me be scared. Hug me. Pray for me. Pray with me. Spend every moment you get with me between now and the time I board a plane. But for one second, DO NOT discourage me. I want this to be my life. Not for 6 weeks. Not for a year. But for my entire life, I want to chase after Jesus in the way that I am now. I'm making decisions I've never made before, but I want Jesus in the most desperate of ways, and when I made that decision, I made the decision to give up a whole lot of other stuff.
On top of it all, my desktop background is 12 beautiful Ugandan kids that know heartbreak, abandonment, and hurt in an indescribable way, and they also know the love of Jesus in a way most of us can never understand.
I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I know I'm in over my head. I know that I am blind to what is going to happen in my life through this trip. I know that I cannot possibly prepare for every single thing that could go wrong. I also know that my God is bigger than all of that, and being in the center of His will is really all I want for my life.
Then there are other days. I think of life here. I think of my friends, and family. I think of my dog. I think of birthdays and holidays I'll miss. I think of the small things, like waking up to my puppy curled up on my pillow, and drinking Starbucks with friends. I think of driving my car with the windows down, and I think of how much I love pizza. I think about the weddings I can't be in, and the friends I've let down. I think about missing my best friends baby girl turning one (that one breaks my heart). I think about how there is no possible way I will ever be ready to do this.
Truth is: I'll never be ready. I'll never be ready to give up everything I've ever known in exchange for something entirely unfamiliar. That's where God comes in. I won't be ready, but He is ready. He is ready to walk with me. He is ready for me to rely on Him whole-heartedly. He is ready for me to be one step closer into my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Today at church I told someone "Jesus is ruining my life." They acted as if I shouldn't of said it, perhaps it sounds "taboo." Truth is: JESUS IS RUINING MY LIFE! He is ruining everything I've ever known and relied on in an effort to bring me closer to Him, and to be honest I told Him to do it. I invited Him into this. I wanted this. Yes, I mean when I say He is ruining my life, but He is doing it in the most God-glorifying way. He is ruining a life filled with comfort and complacency. He is ruining a life filled with happiness that relies on stuff and relationships that aren't permanent. He is ruining everything that I want to cling too and run from simultaneously. He is saving me from everything that has defined and destroyed me at various moments in my life.
My flesh is scared. My flesh is fighting this. My flesh is sinful.
I'm reaffirming this once again: God, I am all in for whatever your plan is, because quite frankly my plan sucked.
As my friends and family, you can go all in on this with me. You can support me and love me and encourage me, or you can not comment. There is no in between. I don't want to hear what I'm risking. I don't want to hear what I'm leaving. I don't want to hear one more word about what I will miss back here. I already know, but I also already know that I would give up EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP AND ITEM I HAVE FOR JESUS CHRIST.
That is why I am doing this. This was not, is not, and will never be about me. It's about HIM. It's about the one thing in my life that I need and want more than anything else. The Bible is clear. "Let the dead bury their own," "What you've done to the least of these you've done to me," "Follow me," "Sell everything you own and give it to the poor," and those are only a few things racing through my head right now. I DESIRE TO FOLLOW JESUS IN A DEEPER WAY THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE.
I can't tell you how many fears I have going into this, I can't tell you how sad I get when I think of things I will miss, I can't tell you how many tears I've cried, and will cry between now and then.
Support me. Love me. Let me cry. Let me be scared. Hug me. Pray for me. Pray with me. Spend every moment you get with me between now and the time I board a plane. But for one second, DO NOT discourage me. I want this to be my life. Not for 6 weeks. Not for a year. But for my entire life, I want to chase after Jesus in the way that I am now. I'm making decisions I've never made before, but I want Jesus in the most desperate of ways, and when I made that decision, I made the decision to give up a whole lot of other stuff.
On top of it all, my desktop background is 12 beautiful Ugandan kids that know heartbreak, abandonment, and hurt in an indescribable way, and they also know the love of Jesus in a way most of us can never understand.
I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I know I'm in over my head. I know that I am blind to what is going to happen in my life through this trip. I know that I cannot possibly prepare for every single thing that could go wrong. I also know that my God is bigger than all of that, and being in the center of His will is really all I want for my life.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Pause
Do you ever just want to hit pause?
Pause on life, on work, on relationships, on everything?
Right now I want nothing more than to hit pause. It's like my heart jumped ship for Africa, my mind is always at work, I'm fighting my tendency to run away from relationships, I'm dealing with things I have made an effort to not deal with for the past 22 years, and I'm somewhere outside of it all, watching, wishing I could just hit pause. I need everything to stop long enough to gather myself that feels stretched in a million directions, and get centered on what is really important:
Christ.
This happens over and over again. I bite off more than I can chew, I send myself in 10 different directions, my relationship with God becomes the last thing on a to-do list rather than a desire of my heart, and I keep running ahead of myself just trying to make it to a certain day or time. Then something unexpected happens, like I had it all under control on my own, things were planned, I was going to be fine, and then something happens because life isn't as plan-able as I would like it to be. I'm too busy chasing after everything that isn't God, so God reminds me once again that life can't be mapped out, and it definitely is not just a series of to-do list.
Reminded: Life is not about me or my plan, but about Him, His will, and His plan. I want it no other way.
Pause on life, on work, on relationships, on everything?
Right now I want nothing more than to hit pause. It's like my heart jumped ship for Africa, my mind is always at work, I'm fighting my tendency to run away from relationships, I'm dealing with things I have made an effort to not deal with for the past 22 years, and I'm somewhere outside of it all, watching, wishing I could just hit pause. I need everything to stop long enough to gather myself that feels stretched in a million directions, and get centered on what is really important:
Christ.
This happens over and over again. I bite off more than I can chew, I send myself in 10 different directions, my relationship with God becomes the last thing on a to-do list rather than a desire of my heart, and I keep running ahead of myself just trying to make it to a certain day or time. Then something unexpected happens, like I had it all under control on my own, things were planned, I was going to be fine, and then something happens because life isn't as plan-able as I would like it to be. I'm too busy chasing after everything that isn't God, so God reminds me once again that life can't be mapped out, and it definitely is not just a series of to-do list.
Reminded: Life is not about me or my plan, but about Him, His will, and His plan. I want it no other way.
Friday, September 7, 2012
What if...
I keep thinking 5 months ahead.
5 months from today I board a flight that takes me from St. Louis to Washington DC, and from there I will find myself in Belgium only to arrive in Entebbe, Uganda hours later.
5 months from today my life changes in a way that I can't even imagine right now.
This is where I am at right now...
I keep asking God what life looks like 5 months from now, and then I ask Him an even bigger question....What does life look like on March 23rd, 2013 when I return home.
It's one of those times where audible voice God would be really helpful, because no matter how many times I ask my thoughts are too loud to ever hear His reply. My heart currently is screaming there is no way I can come back to America after seven weeks with 14 children that I haven't met yet, but I am already in love with. There is no way I can ever be a 9-5 desk worker, and there is no way God really intended to send me some place so beautiful for only seven weeks, only to call me back to a place that seems so far from my heart.
Long term missionary living in Uganda may very well be my calling. Perhaps God had this planned out long ago, or perhaps it isn't His plan for me at all. Time will surely tell and until then I'll probably stay up very late some nights, praying, asking, and wondering...
What about my dog?
My family?
My friends?
My life here in Springfield?
What happens to everything if I am called to Uganda in a more permanent capacity?
The question brings tears to my eyes, but the answer brings peace to my heart.
The answer:
I leave it all here, and I go where God has called me.
It's almost unexplainable how this feels to my heart. I don't know what life looks like on February 8th, and I know even less about March 23rd. I know God has this all planned out, and that His plan far surpasses anything I can think up. I promised months ago that I was all in; that God's plans would take precedence over my plans, that His will would be my path.
The simple fact is...this is on my heart for a reason, and I don't believe it is going away anytime soon. I think God will reveal His plan in His time, because oddly enough He doesn't operate on my schedule, and until then I'll keep praying for discernment and obedience.
This is a quote from the book that really moved me in the direction of mission work in Africa. This is part of what changed everything a few months ago. It's called Kisses from Katie, and it's a true story of a young woman who ends up following God's call for her life to Uganda. It is beautiful and inspiring, and her words speak so much truth to my heart throughout the entire book. This is what she says about being in Uganda...
“Uncertainty is everywhere. But I am living in the midst of the uncertainty and risk, amid things that can and do bring physical destruction, because I am running from things that can destroy my soul, complacency, comfort and ignorance. I am much more terrified of living a comfortable life in a self serving society and failing to follow Jesus than I am of any illness or tragedy.”
― Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption
5 months from today I board a flight that takes me from St. Louis to Washington DC, and from there I will find myself in Belgium only to arrive in Entebbe, Uganda hours later.
5 months from today my life changes in a way that I can't even imagine right now.
This is where I am at right now...
I keep asking God what life looks like 5 months from now, and then I ask Him an even bigger question....What does life look like on March 23rd, 2013 when I return home.
It's one of those times where audible voice God would be really helpful, because no matter how many times I ask my thoughts are too loud to ever hear His reply. My heart currently is screaming there is no way I can come back to America after seven weeks with 14 children that I haven't met yet, but I am already in love with. There is no way I can ever be a 9-5 desk worker, and there is no way God really intended to send me some place so beautiful for only seven weeks, only to call me back to a place that seems so far from my heart.
Long term missionary living in Uganda may very well be my calling. Perhaps God had this planned out long ago, or perhaps it isn't His plan for me at all. Time will surely tell and until then I'll probably stay up very late some nights, praying, asking, and wondering...
What about my dog?
My family?
My friends?
My life here in Springfield?
What happens to everything if I am called to Uganda in a more permanent capacity?
The question brings tears to my eyes, but the answer brings peace to my heart.
The answer:
I leave it all here, and I go where God has called me.
It's almost unexplainable how this feels to my heart. I don't know what life looks like on February 8th, and I know even less about March 23rd. I know God has this all planned out, and that His plan far surpasses anything I can think up. I promised months ago that I was all in; that God's plans would take precedence over my plans, that His will would be my path.
The simple fact is...this is on my heart for a reason, and I don't believe it is going away anytime soon. I think God will reveal His plan in His time, because oddly enough He doesn't operate on my schedule, and until then I'll keep praying for discernment and obedience.
This is a quote from the book that really moved me in the direction of mission work in Africa. This is part of what changed everything a few months ago. It's called Kisses from Katie, and it's a true story of a young woman who ends up following God's call for her life to Uganda. It is beautiful and inspiring, and her words speak so much truth to my heart throughout the entire book. This is what she says about being in Uganda...
“Uncertainty is everywhere. But I am living in the midst of the uncertainty and risk, amid things that can and do bring physical destruction, because I am running from things that can destroy my soul, complacency, comfort and ignorance. I am much more terrified of living a comfortable life in a self serving society and failing to follow Jesus than I am of any illness or tragedy.”
― Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption
Thursday, September 6, 2012
But That's NOT How it is Supposed to be...
I've spent a lot of time battling myself on what life is "supposed to be." I don't know where I got the idea that things in this life were to function a certain way, and by a certain way I mean they should meet and/or exceed my expectations.
My vision of how it should be: I never experience a sadness that chocolate and rain boots (I love the rain) won't heal, I should never fight with my family (Hello, in my world we are the Brady Bunch meets the Cleavers) My friends and I should never disagree. There should be a ring on my left ring finger from the man of my dreams (who I never fight with by the way), and my room well, it cleans itself because I'm obviously too busy shopping and drinking Starbucks.
Honestly, my life doesn't come close to the picture that I just painted. I fight with my family, sometimes even my closest friends hurt me (and I hurt them). I can't afford to drink Starbucks or shop because I'm planning a trip to a third world country. My dog drives me nuts. My laundry isn't done. My room isn't clean. And frankly if chocolate and rain boots fixed all of the tears...well I wouldn't be blogging.
Where did I get this idea of how it is "supposed to be?" My heart is an idol factory (part of that whole fallen, sinful person thing, I guess...), and I think sometimes (by sometimes I mean this is a consistent battle) my idol quickly becomes what I want life to be like, not what God designed life to be here on this Earth.
God is spending each day showing me that this is very much my temporary home, but that there are people here who make it so wonderful. I needed my Christian family this week in a way that I don't think I can begin to explain. This week I really confronted some things I was dealing with, and I was met with overwhelming support and love. The way it is "supposed to be" has broken my heart over and over again, so perhaps it is time to grieve the idea of what life "should" look like, and start rejoicing in what life does look like.
And this is what life truly looks like (from the less pessimistic version of me)...
I have a God who sees me as blameless, righteous, and has extended me grace far beyond my comprehension. I have a Christian family who is ALWAYS there, and for the first time in a few years I am starting to realize that they aren't leaving no matter how much baggage I bring to the table (turns out family isn't always blood, and a family centered around Christ is stronger than I can comprehend.) My parents do every thing they can to give me the tools to be successful in life. My friends love me, to the point that they are sacrificing their time to put together fundraising stuff for my trip to Uganda. I am going to Uganda...the reality of how it should be: There are millions of kids who deserve to each have a mommy that knows their favorite dinner. I can't be that for a kid quite yet, I'm by no means ready to be a mom, but one day I plan on giving a kid or two or seven just that, and until then I can offer them love, and smiles, and I can wipe away tears.
So no, life hasn't lived up to the picture I painted, but it has far exceeded any picture that a human could create. It is designed by God and therefore it is beautiful. Sin can screw it up a lot of times, our hearts create idols and visions that are false gods and misleading. It seems that in my life, for every time I screw up God finds a way to bring me back with His grace. He promises to always work for the good of those who believe, and therefore my plan will always fall short of His plan. I want my life no other way, than the one He designed for me to have.
My vision of how it should be: I never experience a sadness that chocolate and rain boots (I love the rain) won't heal, I should never fight with my family (Hello, in my world we are the Brady Bunch meets the Cleavers) My friends and I should never disagree. There should be a ring on my left ring finger from the man of my dreams (who I never fight with by the way), and my room well, it cleans itself because I'm obviously too busy shopping and drinking Starbucks.
Honestly, my life doesn't come close to the picture that I just painted. I fight with my family, sometimes even my closest friends hurt me (and I hurt them). I can't afford to drink Starbucks or shop because I'm planning a trip to a third world country. My dog drives me nuts. My laundry isn't done. My room isn't clean. And frankly if chocolate and rain boots fixed all of the tears...well I wouldn't be blogging.
Where did I get this idea of how it is "supposed to be?" My heart is an idol factory (part of that whole fallen, sinful person thing, I guess...), and I think sometimes (by sometimes I mean this is a consistent battle) my idol quickly becomes what I want life to be like, not what God designed life to be here on this Earth.
God is spending each day showing me that this is very much my temporary home, but that there are people here who make it so wonderful. I needed my Christian family this week in a way that I don't think I can begin to explain. This week I really confronted some things I was dealing with, and I was met with overwhelming support and love. The way it is "supposed to be" has broken my heart over and over again, so perhaps it is time to grieve the idea of what life "should" look like, and start rejoicing in what life does look like.
And this is what life truly looks like (from the less pessimistic version of me)...
I have a God who sees me as blameless, righteous, and has extended me grace far beyond my comprehension. I have a Christian family who is ALWAYS there, and for the first time in a few years I am starting to realize that they aren't leaving no matter how much baggage I bring to the table (turns out family isn't always blood, and a family centered around Christ is stronger than I can comprehend.) My parents do every thing they can to give me the tools to be successful in life. My friends love me, to the point that they are sacrificing their time to put together fundraising stuff for my trip to Uganda. I am going to Uganda...the reality of how it should be: There are millions of kids who deserve to each have a mommy that knows their favorite dinner. I can't be that for a kid quite yet, I'm by no means ready to be a mom, but one day I plan on giving a kid or two or seven just that, and until then I can offer them love, and smiles, and I can wipe away tears.
So no, life hasn't lived up to the picture I painted, but it has far exceeded any picture that a human could create. It is designed by God and therefore it is beautiful. Sin can screw it up a lot of times, our hearts create idols and visions that are false gods and misleading. It seems that in my life, for every time I screw up God finds a way to bring me back with His grace. He promises to always work for the good of those who believe, and therefore my plan will always fall short of His plan. I want my life no other way, than the one He designed for me to have.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)