In Over My Head

There are days I think of boarding a plane and living in Uganda, and I long for it. I long to spend time with the kids that are in the orphanage. I long to learn so much about myself and the Ugandan people. I long to be in the dead center of God's will for my life with a fiery passion that is beyond explainable. (That last part is more the Holy Spirit than anything, I'm sure of it...)

Then there are other days.  I think of life here. I think of my friends, and family. I think of my dog. I think of birthdays and holidays I'll miss. I think of the small things, like waking up to my puppy curled up on my pillow, and drinking Starbucks with friends.  I think of driving my car with the windows down, and I think of how much I love pizza.  I think about the weddings I can't be in, and the friends I've let down. I think about missing my best friends baby girl turning one (that one breaks my heart).  I think about how there is no possible way I will ever be ready to do this.

Truth is: I'll never be ready. I'll never be ready to give up everything I've ever known in exchange for something entirely unfamiliar.  That's where God comes in. I won't be ready, but He is ready. He is ready to walk with me. He is ready for me to rely on Him whole-heartedly. He is ready for me to be one step closer into my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Today at church I told someone "Jesus is ruining my life." They acted as if I shouldn't of said it, perhaps it sounds "taboo."  Truth is: JESUS IS RUINING MY LIFE! He is ruining everything I've ever known and relied on in an effort to bring me closer to Him, and to be honest I told Him to do it. I invited Him into this. I wanted this. Yes, I mean when I say He is ruining my life, but He is doing it in the most God-glorifying way.  He is ruining a life filled with comfort and complacency. He is ruining a life filled with happiness that relies on stuff and relationships that aren't permanent. He is ruining everything that I want to cling too and run from simultaneously.  He is saving me from everything that has defined and destroyed me at various moments in my life.

My flesh is scared. My flesh is fighting this. My flesh is sinful.

I'm reaffirming this once again: God, I am all in for whatever your plan is, because quite frankly my plan sucked.

As my friends and family, you can go all in on this with me. You can support me and love me and encourage me, or you can not comment. There is no in between.  I don't want to hear what I'm risking. I don't want to hear what I'm leaving. I don't want to hear one more word about what I will miss back here. I already know, but I also already know that I would give up EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP AND ITEM I HAVE FOR JESUS CHRIST.

That is why I am doing this. This was not, is not, and will never be about me. It's about HIM. It's about the one thing in my life that I need and want more than anything else. The Bible is clear. "Let the dead bury their own," "What you've done to the least of these you've done to me," "Follow me," "Sell everything you own and give it to the poor," and those are only a few things racing through my head right now. I DESIRE TO FOLLOW JESUS IN A DEEPER WAY THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE.

I can't tell you how many fears I have going into this, I can't tell you how sad I get when I think of things I will miss, I can't tell you how many tears I've cried, and will cry between now and then.

Support me. Love me. Let me cry. Let me be scared. Hug me. Pray for me. Pray with me. Spend every moment you get with me between now and the time I board a plane.  But for one second, DO NOT discourage me. I want this to be my life. Not for 6 weeks. Not for a year. But for my entire life, I want to chase after Jesus in the way that I am now. I'm making decisions I've never made before, but I want Jesus in the most desperate of ways, and when I made that decision, I made the decision to give up a whole lot of other stuff.

On top of it all, my desktop background is 12 beautiful Ugandan kids that know heartbreak, abandonment, and hurt in an indescribable way, and they also know the love of Jesus in a way most of us can never understand.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I know I'm in over my head. I know that I am blind to what is going to happen in my life through this trip. I know that I cannot possibly prepare for every single thing that could go wrong. I also know that my God is bigger than all of that, and being in the center of His will is really all I want for my life.