Side rant before the point of this blog post: I've been rereading one of my favorite books of all times. It's called "The Book Thief" by Marcus Zusak. The narrator, is death, the main character is a young german girl in WWII, her story is one I cannot put down. Let me set it up for you with an excerpt from the book:
"It's the leftover humans.
The survivors.
They're the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail. I deliberately seek out the colors to keep my mind off of them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind, crumbling among the jigsaw puzzle of realization, despair, and surprise. They have punctured hearts. They have beaten lungs.
Which in turn brings me to the subject I am telling you about tonight, or today, or whatever the hour and color. It's the story of one of those perpetual survivors - an expert at being left behind.
It's just a small story really, about, among other things:
*A girl
*Some words
*An accordionist
* Some fanatical Germans
* A Jewish fist fighter
*And quite a lot of thievery
I saw the book thief three times."
Let me say, the entire book is amazing. I love the plot, the characters, the setting, and the timing of everything, basically I put this in here because it is my favorite book and I think everyone should read it, and well page five summarizes it so that's what you got. Now go read this book.
Okay the actual point of this Blog:
This week was dubbed Lauren week (as well as the next three weeks), by yours truly, me. I needed it. I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. I was going to lock myself in my room and read a novel (check) I was going to podcast some Matt Chandler (check and check) I was going to spend a focus and concentrated effort on prayer (chhhecccck) and I was going to dive in with Jesus (oh yes, you better believe it...check) So far so good. The ship has been smooth sailing, but the break is over, well sort of... People, I am an extrovert. I made it 48 hours (a really nice, restful 48 hours though) before there was frozen yogurt with a friend, pizza night with a coworker, and the rest of the week got filled up with many o'things as well.
So what I learned?
If I make Jesus a priority like I did this week all week long, every week can in fact be Lauren and Jesus week. I feel rejuvenated. I feel ready to go, and I feel like I can conquer next week without a doubt. I'm an extrovert through, and through, but there is something to be said for quiet time. I thought it meant I needed to disappear for a month, and get things going for me, and form new habits. I do in fact need to form new habits, but the plan does not include slipping away to the forrest for a month. Rather the plan looks more like finding time to podcast sermons (like while cleaning my bathroom), and praying during moments where I'm doing something that gives me a chance to stop and rest (driving), oh and sometimes/occasionally telling my friends that I can't stay out for more than an hour because I really need to go home and read my novel (okay so that one isn't Jesus-centric, but I really forgot how much I love reading novels)
So break? Over. Making Jesus a priority...EVERY DAY, making my own sanity a priority, also every day. I think I am going back to the Lauren who inhaled novels like oxygen, because once again I really missed reading my novels. I guess really more than a break I needed my priorities to get straightened out. School is important, work is important, friends and family are important, but nothing is more important than spending time with Jesus. Turns out I can do all of the above in an appropriate fashion if I prioritize. Jesus first, and everything else will fall into place.
So now for the drum roll for the finale of this blog post, and what I am most excited about currently...Uganda.
Money has still got me freaking out, and for all of a day I was considering rethinking the timeline of this trip, and possibly postponing in order for more time. That thought was a terrible idea. I'm going after this, and nothing is stopping me. I haven't stopped thinking about it, or talking about it since the opportunity arose and I was going to postpone it? Nope. Not Happening. Put me on a plane now please. So in other news rather than my lame ideas like postponing my dreams, I got an email from Sara (the director of Rafiki Ministries) My application is in, they are waiting on my pastoral reference, but so far so good. I cannot wait to leave. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, my heart races, and I get scared, and nervous, and excited, and then I get goosebumps, and it's all of these emotions with God's voice whispering "Everything is about to change." And in my head He is always winking/smiling/giving me the "go for it" nudge (okay so I have a weird mental image of God, just let me be) Anyhow, everything really is going to change, but I think by everything it's mostly me. I am going to change, and I could not be happier/more excited/more ready. My one request? Keep praying for this, for me, for Africa, for fundraising, and for anything else you can think of.
God, may there be more of you, and a whole lot less of me.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A Month Long Break From the World
I suppose this is more of an announcement than anything....
I am taking a break from everything, and everyone.
Pause. Stop. I already know what you're thinking. Cue Lauren's tendency to run away. For a while I was convinced this was exactly what was happening too, but tonight I gained some clarity.
The past few weeks/month has been rough for me. Somewhere along the lines I've lost my identity as a daughter of God. Instead I was looking around and seeing how I didn't fit in with ANYONE. I'm not married and starting a family like 98% of my church, I'm not really the party type like most college kids(and some of my friends), which leaves me in the middle. I'm ready to declare my independence as an adult, but I also feel like I don't meet the standard "criteria" to be an adult (marriage, family, full-time job, etc) I pay my bills which makes me a responsible college-aged person, but not quite the "adult" I would like to be at this point.
Light bulb: As a Christian I am not meant to "fit-in" so I should probably just get used to it. God has bigger plans for me, and while His plans aren't happening on my time there is a reason. I've stopped putting everything I have into being a Christian and following Christ, and have started focusing on all of the places where I don't quite fit. No wonder the depression has been hanging around, and no wonder I've spent so much time whining, crying, and complaining about all of the things that aren't happening to me.
So I need a break from nearly everything, and nearly everyone. What will this solve?
I'm not sure. Ideally I want to take the next month and focus on no other relationship than my relationship with Christ. Yes, as a Christian I am called to live in community, and I am totally up for that, but simultaneously I am absolutely worthless in community if I am not centered on my Lord and Savior.
So here is the plan: For the month of July I am out. I need a break from all of it. I need to stop seeing where I don't fit, and start feeling where I fit perfectly in relationship with Christ. I need to get my feet on solid ground that only God can provide, and being so sure in that relationship that this doesn't happen over and over again as I make the transition from college life to real world.
How do we guarantee I am not just running away? I still plan on being accountable to people. Yes, I'm taking a break and escaping for a while, but come end of July if I'm not back, present, and more Christ-centered then it's time to reevaluate the situation. I am committing to a one month break, if it needs to be longer, this topic can be revisited. If it needs to be shorter, then I shall pop back up out of my hole.
So how far is this going? I plan on still blogging. Mainly because I blog for myself not for anyone else, and I feel like it is a good way for people to still be able to check-in with me, while me still getting the break I need. Facebook and Twitter are on the fence. I am unsure if they will stay or go for the month...I'll be praying about this and if they suddenly go missing well everyone now knows why. My phone? I'll have it on me, but perhaps it will be off more often than on. Group settings? I'm out. I'll be back, but I need this time for myself and for my relationship with God. Hang out times with friends? Extremely limited, obviously if it's earth shattering I'll be there for any of my friends in a heartbeat, but currently I need to go MIA from the world so I can become re-centered.
So what am I doing instead? Focusing on my relationship with Christ. Reading the Bible more, praying often, and letting God guide me into what happens next.
Love you all, and I am very thankful for everything I have in my friendships and relationships, and I hope after this is done and over with I have more to offer to every friendship and relationship I have.
God needs to come first, and I plan on making that a conscious point of the next month. Prayers from everyone would be much appreciated, and if there is anything you need prayers for let me know.
I am taking a break from everything, and everyone.
Pause. Stop. I already know what you're thinking. Cue Lauren's tendency to run away. For a while I was convinced this was exactly what was happening too, but tonight I gained some clarity.
The past few weeks/month has been rough for me. Somewhere along the lines I've lost my identity as a daughter of God. Instead I was looking around and seeing how I didn't fit in with ANYONE. I'm not married and starting a family like 98% of my church, I'm not really the party type like most college kids(and some of my friends), which leaves me in the middle. I'm ready to declare my independence as an adult, but I also feel like I don't meet the standard "criteria" to be an adult (marriage, family, full-time job, etc) I pay my bills which makes me a responsible college-aged person, but not quite the "adult" I would like to be at this point.
Light bulb: As a Christian I am not meant to "fit-in" so I should probably just get used to it. God has bigger plans for me, and while His plans aren't happening on my time there is a reason. I've stopped putting everything I have into being a Christian and following Christ, and have started focusing on all of the places where I don't quite fit. No wonder the depression has been hanging around, and no wonder I've spent so much time whining, crying, and complaining about all of the things that aren't happening to me.
So I need a break from nearly everything, and nearly everyone. What will this solve?
I'm not sure. Ideally I want to take the next month and focus on no other relationship than my relationship with Christ. Yes, as a Christian I am called to live in community, and I am totally up for that, but simultaneously I am absolutely worthless in community if I am not centered on my Lord and Savior.
So here is the plan: For the month of July I am out. I need a break from all of it. I need to stop seeing where I don't fit, and start feeling where I fit perfectly in relationship with Christ. I need to get my feet on solid ground that only God can provide, and being so sure in that relationship that this doesn't happen over and over again as I make the transition from college life to real world.
How do we guarantee I am not just running away? I still plan on being accountable to people. Yes, I'm taking a break and escaping for a while, but come end of July if I'm not back, present, and more Christ-centered then it's time to reevaluate the situation. I am committing to a one month break, if it needs to be longer, this topic can be revisited. If it needs to be shorter, then I shall pop back up out of my hole.
So how far is this going? I plan on still blogging. Mainly because I blog for myself not for anyone else, and I feel like it is a good way for people to still be able to check-in with me, while me still getting the break I need. Facebook and Twitter are on the fence. I am unsure if they will stay or go for the month...I'll be praying about this and if they suddenly go missing well everyone now knows why. My phone? I'll have it on me, but perhaps it will be off more often than on. Group settings? I'm out. I'll be back, but I need this time for myself and for my relationship with God. Hang out times with friends? Extremely limited, obviously if it's earth shattering I'll be there for any of my friends in a heartbeat, but currently I need to go MIA from the world so I can become re-centered.
So what am I doing instead? Focusing on my relationship with Christ. Reading the Bible more, praying often, and letting God guide me into what happens next.
Love you all, and I am very thankful for everything I have in my friendships and relationships, and I hope after this is done and over with I have more to offer to every friendship and relationship I have.
God needs to come first, and I plan on making that a conscious point of the next month. Prayers from everyone would be much appreciated, and if there is anything you need prayers for let me know.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Home Sweet Home
Tonight I realized suburban St. Louis (specifically Oakville) will always hold a very special part of me. When I was coming back "home" while my parents were living in Arnold there was no attachment, I never reminisced as I drove into town of the year and a half I spent in that house, and I hardly ever missed the house I barely knew. Tonight was different though.
I drove down Telegraph (the main road here in Oakville) back to the house I spent seventeen years in. The house I lived in with both my mom and my dad when I was really young, the house that I actually grew up in. The house in Oakville is filled with seventeen years of memories, good and bad, but definitely more good. I loved walking into the familiarity of my childhood, a house that actually feels like "home."
But this isn't home. The house in Arnold wasn't home. My apartment in Springfield isn't home either. Every "house" here on this earth is finite and temporary, and while there are memories in each of these places, the place I long to call home I haven't yet seen.
Home is with God. Now isn't my time, and frankly I don't know when is, but a part of me longs for it. I can't wait to spend every moment worshipping my perfect God in His perfect Heavenly home where He has prepared a place for me. Only then will the term "Home Sweet Home" truly have meaning.
I long to know my God in a way that I can only know Him after I leave this temporary "home."
Until then I pray I can spend every day walking with Him, striving to be more like His Son, Jesus, and loving His people here on Earth. I don't know when I'll enter my permanent home, but until I do, I want to enjoy this one for all of the beauty it has to offer, and I hope overall I can add to that beauty in someway rather than take away from it.
"I can only imagine, when all I will do is forever, forever worship You, I can only imagine"- Mercy Me
I drove down Telegraph (the main road here in Oakville) back to the house I spent seventeen years in. The house I lived in with both my mom and my dad when I was really young, the house that I actually grew up in. The house in Oakville is filled with seventeen years of memories, good and bad, but definitely more good. I loved walking into the familiarity of my childhood, a house that actually feels like "home."
But this isn't home. The house in Arnold wasn't home. My apartment in Springfield isn't home either. Every "house" here on this earth is finite and temporary, and while there are memories in each of these places, the place I long to call home I haven't yet seen.
Home is with God. Now isn't my time, and frankly I don't know when is, but a part of me longs for it. I can't wait to spend every moment worshipping my perfect God in His perfect Heavenly home where He has prepared a place for me. Only then will the term "Home Sweet Home" truly have meaning.
I long to know my God in a way that I can only know Him after I leave this temporary "home."
Until then I pray I can spend every day walking with Him, striving to be more like His Son, Jesus, and loving His people here on Earth. I don't know when I'll enter my permanent home, but until I do, I want to enjoy this one for all of the beauty it has to offer, and I hope overall I can add to that beauty in someway rather than take away from it.
"I can only imagine, when all I will do is forever, forever worship You, I can only imagine"- Mercy Me
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
God Laughed at Me.
For the past, I don't know, two weeks I have done a whole lot of whining to God about all of the reasons He wasn't actually sending me to Africa. I was discouraged, and upset, and slightly angry. God had laid something on my heart, and then I told Him all of the reasons He was wrong.
Let me tell you this....God isn't wrong...ever.
So tonight Book Club happened and my attitude was awful. Africa wasn't happening, my dreams were dashed, and this kid hadn't even sent in the application, I had just decided game over. No one really said anything about my lame attitude (although really ladies...next time hit me... lol j/k sort of...) So I got home doing what I do best (reeling in my own self pity, and throwing parties) when God kicked me in the face.
I was just about to sit down and write a blog about how nothing was happening, and this was too hard and the towel was being thrown in, and then God laughed at me. HE LAUGHED AT ME (yes, shouty caps were necessary for this)
The perfect God that spoke the world into motion, gave Sarah and Abraham a son at the age of 90 something, helped Noah build the ark, Moses part the Red Sea, and sent His Son to die for all of the worlds sin in order to save His children that were fallen and sinful also laid Africa on my heart, and I (the girl who has ADD, hasn't even gotten a college degree yet, and puts the "fun" in dysfunctional) told Him that He couldn't possibly send me to Africa cause it was going to cost too many dollars.
Yes. He laughed at me. He didn't need the lovely ladies from book club to hit me, because He was going to give me the wake up call Himself.
Okay so the good news:
MY APPLICATION IS FINISHED AND SENT! (So many shouty caps in one blog...sorry)
Do I still have worries and anxieties? Oh yes. But let's be real here...one step at a time. So I am one step closer than I was yesterday, and as this weekend approaches and I head home to go get my birth certificate to send off for my passport I will be one more step closer.
This is happening. God has a plan, and I can't wait to watch it unfold.
God, I am still all in.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Lacking Faith
This is probably one of the harder blogs to write, but I need to get my thoughts straight, and writing is what does that for me.
There is a severe lack of faith in my life right now, and last night I realized it. The application for Uganda is still open on my laptop, and still incomplete. Why? Because every time I open it up and continue to fill out I am thinking of all the reasons why this is not going to happen. I can even list them and oh I will.
I really started looking at the money. I can save and save and save, but bottom line I can't even get halfway there by myself which means in my mind I can't get there.
Fear. Over the past few weeks my anxiety has only grown. Too much too fast? Perhaps. Per usual I am letting fear guide me.
I lack vision. For the life of me I cannot see myself in Africa living out this call. Vision is not one of my spiritual gifts, and I am struggling to see this one more and more.
And honestly the bottom line that covers all three of these road blocks is my lack of faith. (This is a huge problem.)
Okay I'm just going to go ahead and reality check myself: God has called me to this if I have heard Him correctly, and He doesn't call us to things if He doesn't intend for them to happen. I have watched Him work bigger things in my life, and I am basically sitting here giving Him reasons why He is wrong. I think at some points He is straight up laughing at me. He has all of the money in the world, and I don't think for a minute (well I do, but I know better) finances are standing in the way. Secondly vision is a great spiritual gift to have, but I don't have it. Oddly enough He has a plan so perhaps I don't need it. I just need to trust Him, and His call for my life. As far as fear goes, yes there are so many things that could go wrong, but fear in itself seems to be a complete lack of faith in this moment.
I need to trust God, and I need to trust Him now. I need to stop giving Him reasons why this can't happen, and start giving myself reasons why it can. God is so much bigger than any of this. I need to suck it up and fill out this application, and send it in (perhaps instead of blogging?) And it is oh so easy to keep saying that, it's kind of like me saying I need to do laundry. It's true I need to, but I'll just stare at it for a few more days.
My God is bigger than all of this, and I need to cling to that and to Him instead of to my human nature.
I'd love to say I am going to get off here and fill out the application, but I'd be lying. So instead I am going to get off here and watch TV and hope God kicks me in the face soon...
There is a severe lack of faith in my life right now, and last night I realized it. The application for Uganda is still open on my laptop, and still incomplete. Why? Because every time I open it up and continue to fill out I am thinking of all the reasons why this is not going to happen. I can even list them and oh I will.
I really started looking at the money. I can save and save and save, but bottom line I can't even get halfway there by myself which means in my mind I can't get there.
Fear. Over the past few weeks my anxiety has only grown. Too much too fast? Perhaps. Per usual I am letting fear guide me.
I lack vision. For the life of me I cannot see myself in Africa living out this call. Vision is not one of my spiritual gifts, and I am struggling to see this one more and more.
And honestly the bottom line that covers all three of these road blocks is my lack of faith. (This is a huge problem.)
Okay I'm just going to go ahead and reality check myself: God has called me to this if I have heard Him correctly, and He doesn't call us to things if He doesn't intend for them to happen. I have watched Him work bigger things in my life, and I am basically sitting here giving Him reasons why He is wrong. I think at some points He is straight up laughing at me. He has all of the money in the world, and I don't think for a minute (well I do, but I know better) finances are standing in the way. Secondly vision is a great spiritual gift to have, but I don't have it. Oddly enough He has a plan so perhaps I don't need it. I just need to trust Him, and His call for my life. As far as fear goes, yes there are so many things that could go wrong, but fear in itself seems to be a complete lack of faith in this moment.
I need to trust God, and I need to trust Him now. I need to stop giving Him reasons why this can't happen, and start giving myself reasons why it can. God is so much bigger than any of this. I need to suck it up and fill out this application, and send it in (perhaps instead of blogging?) And it is oh so easy to keep saying that, it's kind of like me saying I need to do laundry. It's true I need to, but I'll just stare at it for a few more days.
My God is bigger than all of this, and I need to cling to that and to Him instead of to my human nature.
I'd love to say I am going to get off here and fill out the application, but I'd be lying. So instead I am going to get off here and watch TV and hope God kicks me in the face soon...
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Cue Real World. Future Plans & some Africa Ramblings
Summer Classes start Monday, and for me this means a variety of things.
1) This is my last semester being considered a full-time student. (In the fall I will have 10 credit hours [not full-time] that include two creative writing classes, and an online science class with no lab. Let's be honest it will be the easiest semester of my life)
1.5) This semester includes British Lit (looovee me some John Keats) and Children's Lit (Hello reading assignments from Harry Potter, Hunger Games, The Hobbit, Alice in Wonderland, and Wizard of Oz.)
2) Graduation is in reach. The finish line is visible. This is the homestretch. I will have a Bachelor's degree in just 16 credit hours. Holy Motown Batman...I'm going to do it.
3) I currently have zero vision for post-graduation life. There will be a trip to Africa (assuming I get my butt in gear and finish this application, I'm scared, and it's not going well.) My life is before me, and I've got zero decisions made, zero life plans, and I'm totally winging it.
Okay so that's the part we need to talk about..I am winging it. I can't decide if this is me saying "Hey, God! Take charge! Use me for whatever your will is, I will just sit here and wait." or if it's me simply being so lost and confused on what post-graduation looks like that I am having a deer-in-headlights sort of moment hoping God will step in, and save me from an awful collision with reality.
I'm not sure which. I have many voices from other people playing in my ear (okay I know I need to do what I want and what is going to make me happy, but I don't know what I want so I'm asking others what they want for me...I know bad idea)
My mom would love for me to get a job, become completely financially independent, and really begin adult life here in the USA and live out the "American dream". (That sounds boring...nothing about me seems 9-5ish quite yet...I still need nap time.)
I have a lot of people rooting for this Africa trip (which once again...I need to get a move on this application) And I'm excited for it (by excited I mean scared, really scared). I do think God is calling me towards this path, but I'm slightly fearful as to how far down this path He is calling me. (What if I never come back is a thought I constantly have...) And I realize I need to stop looking past the current door he has opened for me, which is a 6-8 week trip.
There are many things running through my head about what the future holds for me, where God is calling me, and how much planning I need to do verse how much I let life "just happen."
Jeremiah 29:11 consumes me currently..."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future."
God has a plan, and His plan for my life is the only plan I want. I want to be led by Him in such a way that I am not relying on anything or anyone else. I want to follow God in a way I have never followed Him before (I think what the Africa trip might be teaching me.) I've never had more of a desperation to answer His call than lately.
Side notes:
I have a community group and a book club, and I love them both dearly for very different reasons, but I have been dying for a hard-core Bible study. I mean a legit hard-core Bible study, where I can camp out in a book of the Bible with others and really listen for what God is saying through the scripture. I am yearning for this in a way that I haven't before. I think this is the Holy Spirit telling me I need to be in the word more, because I haven't been as much as I need to be.
Have I mentioned how scared I am about this Africa thing? I just need this application to be filled out and sent, and I feel like this isn't happening until someone stands there and does not let me up from the computer until it's done. For being twenty-two I still require adult supervision most (okay...all) of the time.
1) This is my last semester being considered a full-time student. (In the fall I will have 10 credit hours [not full-time] that include two creative writing classes, and an online science class with no lab. Let's be honest it will be the easiest semester of my life)
1.5) This semester includes British Lit (looovee me some John Keats) and Children's Lit (Hello reading assignments from Harry Potter, Hunger Games, The Hobbit, Alice in Wonderland, and Wizard of Oz.)
2) Graduation is in reach. The finish line is visible. This is the homestretch. I will have a Bachelor's degree in just 16 credit hours. Holy Motown Batman...I'm going to do it.
3) I currently have zero vision for post-graduation life. There will be a trip to Africa (assuming I get my butt in gear and finish this application, I'm scared, and it's not going well.) My life is before me, and I've got zero decisions made, zero life plans, and I'm totally winging it.
Okay so that's the part we need to talk about..I am winging it. I can't decide if this is me saying "Hey, God! Take charge! Use me for whatever your will is, I will just sit here and wait." or if it's me simply being so lost and confused on what post-graduation looks like that I am having a deer-in-headlights sort of moment hoping God will step in, and save me from an awful collision with reality.
I'm not sure which. I have many voices from other people playing in my ear (okay I know I need to do what I want and what is going to make me happy, but I don't know what I want so I'm asking others what they want for me...I know bad idea)
My mom would love for me to get a job, become completely financially independent, and really begin adult life here in the USA and live out the "American dream". (That sounds boring...nothing about me seems 9-5ish quite yet...I still need nap time.)
I have a lot of people rooting for this Africa trip (which once again...I need to get a move on this application) And I'm excited for it (by excited I mean scared, really scared). I do think God is calling me towards this path, but I'm slightly fearful as to how far down this path He is calling me. (What if I never come back is a thought I constantly have...) And I realize I need to stop looking past the current door he has opened for me, which is a 6-8 week trip.
There are many things running through my head about what the future holds for me, where God is calling me, and how much planning I need to do verse how much I let life "just happen."
Jeremiah 29:11 consumes me currently..."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future."
God has a plan, and His plan for my life is the only plan I want. I want to be led by Him in such a way that I am not relying on anything or anyone else. I want to follow God in a way I have never followed Him before (I think what the Africa trip might be teaching me.) I've never had more of a desperation to answer His call than lately.
Side notes:
I have a community group and a book club, and I love them both dearly for very different reasons, but I have been dying for a hard-core Bible study. I mean a legit hard-core Bible study, where I can camp out in a book of the Bible with others and really listen for what God is saying through the scripture. I am yearning for this in a way that I haven't before. I think this is the Holy Spirit telling me I need to be in the word more, because I haven't been as much as I need to be.
Have I mentioned how scared I am about this Africa thing? I just need this application to be filled out and sent, and I feel like this isn't happening until someone stands there and does not let me up from the computer until it's done. For being twenty-two I still require adult supervision most (okay...all) of the time.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Procrastination Station
I've sat at home for two days straight now due to being sick (sorry to all those who have listened to me whine, I'm kind of a baby when it comes to not feeling well) Well while being at home my laptop has spent a lot of time on my lap, and in the bottom left hand of my screen sits my application for the orphanage in Uganda.
Is it completed? No.
Do I have a good reason for it not being completed? No.
Do I have a lot of excuses? Oh yes, and some are pretty good. (Hey the Canadian orphans might still need me to come through for them...)
So what is the hold up? (Keep in mind I really want to lie in this moment) But I owe myself more than that.
I'm scared, and it is the oddest combination of fears. I'm afraid of it not working out, but simultaneously I am so scared it just might work out (the more likely of the two). I'm totally excited for this adventure, this answer to God's call, but meanwhile worries are plaguing me. This isn't easy, and I don't think it is supposed to be. God promised easy exactly no where in the Bible.
Another reason or perhaps my favorite excuse in the moment is....some of these questions are really hard, and I mean really hard. Here is the deal, I am somewhere between overly self-aware and not quite self-aware enough. I don't really like discussing my weaknesses (that verse about boasting in my weakness keeps coming to mind) or my strengths, perhaps because I am overwhelmed with both and I can't list just three, or perhaps because I'm just not sure. I am incredibly inexperienced which is a weakness, but at the same time it gives me a whole new perspective on things. I've recently developed the ability to love without fear (something I've had a hard time with for a really long time now) it makes me emotional which makes it a weakness, but simultaneously it gives me the capacity to love even more people. Oh and one of the hardest questions? Tell us about yourself? Let me tell you I got nothing.
So here I am at Procrastination Station riding the train that goes nowhere.
Note to self: It's time to really pray, and read scripture, and pray some more. The only courage I am going to manifest over the next 7-12 months is the courage I ask God for. I refuse to let this opportunity pass me by because of fear, because I have a God bigger than my fears, nonetheless it's probably time for a fire to get lit under me.
God, I am still all in, but I need a whole lot more of you, and a whole lot less of me.
Is it completed? No.
Do I have a good reason for it not being completed? No.
Do I have a lot of excuses? Oh yes, and some are pretty good. (Hey the Canadian orphans might still need me to come through for them...)
So what is the hold up? (Keep in mind I really want to lie in this moment) But I owe myself more than that.
I'm scared, and it is the oddest combination of fears. I'm afraid of it not working out, but simultaneously I am so scared it just might work out (the more likely of the two). I'm totally excited for this adventure, this answer to God's call, but meanwhile worries are plaguing me. This isn't easy, and I don't think it is supposed to be. God promised easy exactly no where in the Bible.
Another reason or perhaps my favorite excuse in the moment is....some of these questions are really hard, and I mean really hard. Here is the deal, I am somewhere between overly self-aware and not quite self-aware enough. I don't really like discussing my weaknesses (that verse about boasting in my weakness keeps coming to mind) or my strengths, perhaps because I am overwhelmed with both and I can't list just three, or perhaps because I'm just not sure. I am incredibly inexperienced which is a weakness, but at the same time it gives me a whole new perspective on things. I've recently developed the ability to love without fear (something I've had a hard time with for a really long time now) it makes me emotional which makes it a weakness, but simultaneously it gives me the capacity to love even more people. Oh and one of the hardest questions? Tell us about yourself? Let me tell you I got nothing.
So here I am at Procrastination Station riding the train that goes nowhere.
Note to self: It's time to really pray, and read scripture, and pray some more. The only courage I am going to manifest over the next 7-12 months is the courage I ask God for. I refuse to let this opportunity pass me by because of fear, because I have a God bigger than my fears, nonetheless it's probably time for a fire to get lit under me.
God, I am still all in, but I need a whole lot more of you, and a whole lot less of me.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Hello Adult Lauren...This is a budget.
So I am almost ashamed to admit this, but I am going to (blame it on the amount of Benadryl that is currently in my system) I have successfully made it almost 23 years without using a budget.
Needless to say with the current 'Going to Africa' plan, this had to change. My trip after all is said and done could cost nearly $5000 (passport, airfare, immunizations, room and board for the time I am there) It all adds up. That number means that my lifestyle has to change dramatically in order to put away the kind of money it is going to take to do this.
The hardest thing for me to give up? Starbucks. (Please roll eyes here) I love my coffee, and my green tea, and my black tea lemonade, and please don't forget about my love for frappucinos. I love them so much that it consumes at least $5 a day (sometimes more when I stop for coffee on the way to work, and tea on the way home) That is a whole lot of money I'm pretty much wasting when there are starving kids in Africa. Sorry Starbucks you'll have to stay afloat without my dollar for at least the next 7-12 months.
But this call to give up my outrageous spending habits (and lack of saving habits) needs to be a long term thing, not just while I prepare for this mission trip. God calls us to be fiscally responsible, and whereas discussing money in the church is no one's favorite thing, it is important.
This budget will benefit me not only by allowing me to save, but it means I am slowly giving up luxuries I would have to give up when I'm in Africa anyway. I guess we are killing two birds with one stone, but this stone is rather painful. (I seriously love Starbucks, and I am convinced the world loves me more when I have Starbucks)
God is calling me to change so many things in my life right now, and I have a feeling this isn't the biggest change He is going to call me to over the next year or over my lifetime. Following God requires sacrifice, Jesus makes that clear throughout each of the Gospels.
RIP Starbucks habit, I will miss you.
Needless to say with the current 'Going to Africa' plan, this had to change. My trip after all is said and done could cost nearly $5000 (passport, airfare, immunizations, room and board for the time I am there) It all adds up. That number means that my lifestyle has to change dramatically in order to put away the kind of money it is going to take to do this.
The hardest thing for me to give up? Starbucks. (Please roll eyes here) I love my coffee, and my green tea, and my black tea lemonade, and please don't forget about my love for frappucinos. I love them so much that it consumes at least $5 a day (sometimes more when I stop for coffee on the way to work, and tea on the way home) That is a whole lot of money I'm pretty much wasting when there are starving kids in Africa. Sorry Starbucks you'll have to stay afloat without my dollar for at least the next 7-12 months.
But this call to give up my outrageous spending habits (and lack of saving habits) needs to be a long term thing, not just while I prepare for this mission trip. God calls us to be fiscally responsible, and whereas discussing money in the church is no one's favorite thing, it is important.
This budget will benefit me not only by allowing me to save, but it means I am slowly giving up luxuries I would have to give up when I'm in Africa anyway. I guess we are killing two birds with one stone, but this stone is rather painful. (I seriously love Starbucks, and I am convinced the world loves me more when I have Starbucks)
God is calling me to change so many things in my life right now, and I have a feeling this isn't the biggest change He is going to call me to over the next year or over my lifetime. Following God requires sacrifice, Jesus makes that clear throughout each of the Gospels.
RIP Starbucks habit, I will miss you.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Living Life Prepared
I feel like when two friends give you a piece of advice, and then there is a sermon that relates in the same twenty-four hours it is time to stop and listen.
I have gotten incredibly excited about the adventures that await me in Africa. Africa has surrounded almost any conversation I have had, every prayer I have spoken, and probably 75% of my thoughts. I am currently using my one track mind to think about something that is still 8-10 months out.
A few friends mentioned (in separate conversations) Saturday night and early Sunday morning that it is okay to be excited but I need to enjoy life here in between now and then. After all there is a reason it is 8-10 months out and not tomorrow. Wise words from two very good friends, and then I went to church...
The sermon yesterday rocked my world. It was all about how we need to be prepared daily for the mission (to serve, love and worship God) not just right before a big mission trip but always. The amount of praying and Bible reading I've done since this Africa mission really bubbled over is probably double the amount of my day to day prior to all of this. I know over the next 8-10 months I will be seeking God a whole lot more as I look for answers and seek advice from God, but I hope that after this trip is over I continue to seek God just as much.
I guess what I have gathered is that every day is a time of preparation regardless if there is a mission trip in the future or not. All throughout the bible we are told to be prepared, because the day that Christ returns is unknown to us but will surely happen.
My favorite parable in reference to this concept is the Parable of the Ten Virgins.
25 “Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps[a] and went to meet the bridegroom.[b] 2 Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. 3 For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, 4 but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. 5 As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. 6 But at midnight there was a cry, ‘Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ 7 Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. 8 And the foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ 9 But the wise answered, saying, ‘Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.’ 10 And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. 11 Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ 12 But he answered, ‘Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.’ 13 Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.
Being prepared at every moment is so important. So I am going to try my best to spend the next few weeks/months not so much thinking about what awaits me in 8-10 months, but rather what God needs me to do now so I can be prepared for whatever he throws at me between now and the day when my plane takes off. Obviously prayers and thoughts of what Africa will look like may still overwhelm me because I am incredibly excited. But I do want to take each day here for what it is, and I want to use every day to prepare for the overall mission that God has created us for.
I have gotten incredibly excited about the adventures that await me in Africa. Africa has surrounded almost any conversation I have had, every prayer I have spoken, and probably 75% of my thoughts. I am currently using my one track mind to think about something that is still 8-10 months out.
A few friends mentioned (in separate conversations) Saturday night and early Sunday morning that it is okay to be excited but I need to enjoy life here in between now and then. After all there is a reason it is 8-10 months out and not tomorrow. Wise words from two very good friends, and then I went to church...
The sermon yesterday rocked my world. It was all about how we need to be prepared daily for the mission (to serve, love and worship God) not just right before a big mission trip but always. The amount of praying and Bible reading I've done since this Africa mission really bubbled over is probably double the amount of my day to day prior to all of this. I know over the next 8-10 months I will be seeking God a whole lot more as I look for answers and seek advice from God, but I hope that after this trip is over I continue to seek God just as much.
I guess what I have gathered is that every day is a time of preparation regardless if there is a mission trip in the future or not. All throughout the bible we are told to be prepared, because the day that Christ returns is unknown to us but will surely happen.
My favorite parable in reference to this concept is the Parable of the Ten Virgins.
25 “Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps[a] and went to meet the bridegroom.[b] 2 Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. 3 For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, 4 but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. 5 As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. 6 But at midnight there was a cry, ‘Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ 7 Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. 8 And the foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ 9 But the wise answered, saying, ‘Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.’ 10 And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. 11 Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ 12 But he answered, ‘Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.’ 13 Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.
Being prepared at every moment is so important. So I am going to try my best to spend the next few weeks/months not so much thinking about what awaits me in 8-10 months, but rather what God needs me to do now so I can be prepared for whatever he throws at me between now and the day when my plane takes off. Obviously prayers and thoughts of what Africa will look like may still overwhelm me because I am incredibly excited. But I do want to take each day here for what it is, and I want to use every day to prepare for the overall mission that God has created us for.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
A First Love.
First I need to apologize to everyone (not really but let's pretend) the next one million blog post will probably be bombarded with the word Africa.
You have been warned.
Second, I simply feel the need to write, and perhaps I can stumble upon something.
My thoughts are swirling. My heart is more anxious than it has ever been, but if feels the adventures it desires are so far away. Meanwhile my mind is chasing after my heart giving me endless daydreams of what is to come in the future. When I think of Africa, more specifically Uganda, my stomach gets butterflies. I start to feel unsteady. My mind loses track of everything else going on around me. There are nerves, there is some fear, there is a rush of adventure, and there is dreams of a future. It feels a whole lot like a first love. Yes, that is exactly it...a first love.
Perhaps God has finally given me what I have spent the past two years asking for: a direct path. I've prayed for something to be clear in a post-graduation world where job offers for creative writing majors are non-exisitent, and the publishing world is cut-throat. Nothing seemed to be coming, nothing seemed to be formulating, and honestly prayers for something, anything seemed unanswered. Then this happened. God introduced the idea of mission work in Africa into my heart, and my soul kind of went "Oh, there you are." A direct path has been laid, God's plans are coming together before my eyes.
There have been emails back and forth to Uganda, there have been applications getting filled out, there has been some reading, some panicking (okay perhaps a whole lot), and a lot of prayer.
I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea, in no way have I romanticized life in Africa. It's going to be a change, and I fear a change that I won't easily adjust to in a day. I won't be staying in some fancy five-star hotel, I won't be living life with the massive amount of luxuries that I live with currently. In fact I will most likely (assuming I end up in the place that currently number one on my list) be staying in an orphanage cleaning up after many kids, helping cook for them, helping clean up after them, and with every free moment using every ounce of love I have in me to show them the love of God, all while seeing first-hand poverty I have never even been able to imagine.
But I hope and I know as I love with everything I have that I will be learning so much along the way. God has a lot to teach me throughout this adventure. First on the list is to learn how to trust in Him alone, but I imagine as I learn that in much more detail there will be many more lessons to learn. The last thing I want to do is to go into this thinking I am of any use to these people, I am not. God is going to use me, and He is going to teach me so many things, but this is not and can not be about what I have to offer. What I have is worthless without God. I have to keep reminding myself that God needs to be the center of this. The people of Uganda don't need a college kid with a "save the world" mentality arriving on their doorstep. I want God to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I need to be humbled in this time, and I need to keep reminding myself I have nothing to offer without God.
Perhaps what I have stumbled on in these past few paragraphs is another thing I need to be doing in this time of preparation. Praying for humility is being added to the "Things to pray for daily" list right along with discernment and obedience.
I am nothing without the love of my Savior.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Insert Panic and Africa Here
This whole "Going to Africa" thing is happening. It is happening all around me, and is pushing me past my limits daily as I fill out applications, make decisions about ministries, ask for references, etc.
Last night it really happened though, I freaked out. I was sitting around with some of my favorite ladies talking about how much was happening, and how excited I was, and then someone said..."What do we do to help you raise the money?"
Sounds like a simple question, and really it is. In fact the ministry I am currently most interested in already sent me a list of ideas. I think what freaked me out is that I was CONVINCED that money was going to stand in the way of me actually going. This was really fun to talk and dream about, but still in the back of my head I was never actually going to make it to Africa. God, had me fooled. He didn't put the people in my life who have been loving me, and pushing me to follow this call only to let something stupid like money stand in the way.
Insert fears here: I have to fly. I have to fly across an ocean. I have to land in a foreign country and get picked up by someone I have never met personally. Live there for two months in a culture I am still rather unfamiliar with, and then fly again.
and what really is happening...
I HAVE TO TRUST GOD.
I have no control on anything right now. I am trusting God to pave the way not only for me to get over there safely, but for me to get home safely as well. I have to trust God in a way I've never had to before because I have always been in a familiar environment with people I know. I have to trust God with every decision I make, and I have to let Him in on EVERY single opportunity that arises.
Conclusion: This is God, NOT me. I didn't make this decision half-heartedly, in fact I would argue I didn't make this decision at all (I really love Springfield folks) God called me to something and I could have said no, but if I live life saying "no" to God's calls I'm not leading the Christian life I desire. I am not leading the Christian life that some of the people I respect most are living. I'm not living a life Christ would live. At that point I'm not even sure if I would be being a Christian.
So I said "yes" to God's call when He laid Africa on my heart, and this is what I know...
I am in way over my head, but I am all in. I cry about this call from God daily, but I also celebrate every small thing that gets me closer. This is happening. I can freak out. I can joke about running away to love on Canadian orphans instead. I can even stomp my feet and throw temper tantrums, but at the end of the night I go to sleep and I dream about a life in Africa that I haven't yet seen, and I wake up longing to love on kids that need it more than anyone else I know.
I keep saying to God (and to myself) I am all in. I keep praying to God to keep having people push me further. I keep praying to God to push me further himself. I keep praying that discernment and obedience will take me over. I keep praying for safety, and for money, and for growth throughout this time. I am more in-sync with God in this past week than I think I ever have been because the center of my world right now is His plan.
I am freaking out because I am human. This is happening because my God is so much bigger than me, and my moments of panic.
I want to end this blog by saying this: right now in the next few weeks while this ball really gets rolling I need so many prayers. I need hugs. I need people to let me rant. I need people to let me sort out my feelings via word vomit. I need love from my Christian brothers and sisters. I need support from my family. I need to hear that God has this under control, so I don't have to have it under control. I need people to hold hands with me and pray. I need people to keep pushing me forward. I need people to love on me a bit more, as I make this leap of faith. I am trying my best to trust God, but I am human so I have moments, and in those moments I need everyone else to hold me to this. I'm saying yes to God's call, but I still need someone to stand behind me and stop me from running away.
Last night it really happened though, I freaked out. I was sitting around with some of my favorite ladies talking about how much was happening, and how excited I was, and then someone said..."What do we do to help you raise the money?"
Sounds like a simple question, and really it is. In fact the ministry I am currently most interested in already sent me a list of ideas. I think what freaked me out is that I was CONVINCED that money was going to stand in the way of me actually going. This was really fun to talk and dream about, but still in the back of my head I was never actually going to make it to Africa. God, had me fooled. He didn't put the people in my life who have been loving me, and pushing me to follow this call only to let something stupid like money stand in the way.
Insert fears here: I have to fly. I have to fly across an ocean. I have to land in a foreign country and get picked up by someone I have never met personally. Live there for two months in a culture I am still rather unfamiliar with, and then fly again.
and what really is happening...
I HAVE TO TRUST GOD.
I have no control on anything right now. I am trusting God to pave the way not only for me to get over there safely, but for me to get home safely as well. I have to trust God in a way I've never had to before because I have always been in a familiar environment with people I know. I have to trust God with every decision I make, and I have to let Him in on EVERY single opportunity that arises.
Conclusion: This is God, NOT me. I didn't make this decision half-heartedly, in fact I would argue I didn't make this decision at all (I really love Springfield folks) God called me to something and I could have said no, but if I live life saying "no" to God's calls I'm not leading the Christian life I desire. I am not leading the Christian life that some of the people I respect most are living. I'm not living a life Christ would live. At that point I'm not even sure if I would be being a Christian.
So I said "yes" to God's call when He laid Africa on my heart, and this is what I know...
I am in way over my head, but I am all in. I cry about this call from God daily, but I also celebrate every small thing that gets me closer. This is happening. I can freak out. I can joke about running away to love on Canadian orphans instead. I can even stomp my feet and throw temper tantrums, but at the end of the night I go to sleep and I dream about a life in Africa that I haven't yet seen, and I wake up longing to love on kids that need it more than anyone else I know.
I keep saying to God (and to myself) I am all in. I keep praying to God to keep having people push me further. I keep praying to God to push me further himself. I keep praying that discernment and obedience will take me over. I keep praying for safety, and for money, and for growth throughout this time. I am more in-sync with God in this past week than I think I ever have been because the center of my world right now is His plan.
I am freaking out because I am human. This is happening because my God is so much bigger than me, and my moments of panic.
I want to end this blog by saying this: right now in the next few weeks while this ball really gets rolling I need so many prayers. I need hugs. I need people to let me rant. I need people to let me sort out my feelings via word vomit. I need love from my Christian brothers and sisters. I need support from my family. I need to hear that God has this under control, so I don't have to have it under control. I need people to hold hands with me and pray. I need people to keep pushing me forward. I need people to love on me a bit more, as I make this leap of faith. I am trying my best to trust God, but I am human so I have moments, and in those moments I need everyone else to hold me to this. I'm saying yes to God's call, but I still need someone to stand behind me and stop me from running away.
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