A First Love.

First I need to apologize to everyone (not really but let's pretend) the next one million blog post will probably be bombarded with the word Africa.

You have been warned.

Second, I simply feel the need to write, and perhaps I can stumble upon something.

My thoughts are swirling.  My heart is more anxious than it has ever been, but if feels the adventures it desires are so far away.  Meanwhile my mind is chasing after my heart giving me endless daydreams of what is to come in the future.  When I think of Africa, more specifically Uganda, my stomach gets butterflies. I start to feel unsteady.  My mind loses track of everything else going on around me.  There are nerves, there is some fear, there is a rush of adventure, and there is dreams of a future. It feels a whole lot like a first love. Yes, that is exactly it...a first love.

Perhaps God has finally given me what I have spent the past two years asking for: a direct path.  I've prayed for something to be clear in a post-graduation world where job offers for creative writing majors are non-exisitent, and the publishing world is cut-throat. Nothing seemed to be coming, nothing seemed to be formulating, and honestly prayers for something, anything seemed unanswered.  Then this happened.  God introduced the idea of mission work in Africa into my heart, and my soul kind of went "Oh, there you are."  A direct path has been laid, God's plans are coming together before my eyes.  

There have been emails back and forth to Uganda, there have been applications getting filled out,  there has been some reading, some panicking (okay perhaps a whole lot), and a lot of prayer.  

I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea, in no way have I romanticized life in Africa.  It's going to be a change, and I fear a change that I won't easily adjust to in a day. I won't be staying in some fancy five-star hotel, I won't be living life with the massive amount of luxuries that I live with currently.  In fact I will most likely (assuming I end up in the place that currently number one on my list) be staying in an orphanage cleaning up after many kids, helping cook for them, helping clean up after them, and with every free moment using every ounce of love I have in me to show them the love of God, all while seeing first-hand poverty I have never even been able to imagine. 

But I hope and I know as I love with everything I have that I will be learning so much along the way. God has a lot to teach me throughout this adventure. First on the list is to learn how to trust in Him alone, but I imagine as I learn that in much more detail there will be many more lessons to learn. The last thing I want to do is to go into this thinking I am of any use to these people, I am not. God is going to use me, and He is going to teach me so many things, but this is not and can not be about what I have to offer. What I have is worthless without God.  I have to keep reminding myself that God needs to be the center of this.  The people of Uganda don't need a college kid with a "save the world" mentality arriving on their doorstep.  I want God to use me in whatever way he sees fit.  I need to be humbled in this time, and I need to keep reminding myself I have nothing to offer without God.  

Perhaps what I have stumbled on in these past few paragraphs is another thing I need to be doing in this time of preparation.  Praying for humility is being added to the "Things to pray for daily" list right along with discernment and obedience.

I am nothing without the love of my Savior.