Procrastination Station

I've sat at home for two days straight now due to being sick (sorry to all those who have listened to me whine, I'm kind of a baby when it comes to not feeling well) Well while being at home my laptop has spent a lot of time on my lap, and in the bottom left hand of my screen sits my application for the orphanage in Uganda.

Is it completed? No.

Do I have a good reason for it not being completed? No.

Do I have a lot of excuses? Oh yes, and some are pretty good. (Hey the Canadian orphans might still need me to come through for them...)

So what is the hold up? (Keep in mind I really want to lie in this moment) But I owe myself more than that.

I'm scared, and it is the oddest combination of fears. I'm afraid of it not working out, but simultaneously I am so scared it just might work out (the more likely of the two). I'm totally excited for this adventure, this answer to God's call, but meanwhile worries are plaguing me.  This isn't easy, and I don't think it is supposed to be.  God promised easy exactly no where in the Bible.

Another reason or perhaps my favorite excuse in the moment is....some of these questions are really hard, and I mean really hard.  Here is the deal, I am somewhere between overly self-aware and not quite self-aware enough.  I don't really like discussing my weaknesses (that verse about boasting in my weakness keeps coming to mind) or my strengths, perhaps because I am overwhelmed with both and I can't list just three, or perhaps because I'm just not sure.  I am incredibly inexperienced which is a weakness, but at the same time it gives me a whole new perspective on things.  I've recently developed the ability to love without fear (something I've had a hard time with for a really long time now) it makes me emotional which makes it a weakness, but simultaneously it gives me the capacity to love even more people.  Oh and one of the hardest questions? Tell us about yourself?  Let me tell you I got nothing.

So here I am at Procrastination Station riding the train that goes nowhere.

Note to self: It's time to really pray, and read scripture, and pray some more.  The only courage I am going to manifest over the next 7-12 months is the courage I ask God for. I refuse to let this opportunity pass me by because of fear, because I have a God bigger than my fears, nonetheless it's probably time for a fire to get lit under me.

God, I am still all in, but I need a whole lot more of you, and a whole lot less of me.