Lacking Faith

This is probably one of the harder blogs to write, but I need to get my thoughts straight, and writing is what does that for me.

There is a severe lack of faith in my life right now, and last night I realized it.  The application for Uganda is still open on my laptop, and still incomplete.  Why? Because every time I open it up and continue to fill out I am thinking of all the reasons why this is not going to happen. I can even list them and oh I will.

I really started looking at the money.  I can save and save and save, but bottom line I can't even get halfway there by myself which means in my mind I can't get there.

Fear. Over the past few weeks my anxiety has only grown. Too much too fast? Perhaps.  Per usual I am letting fear guide me.

I lack vision.  For the life of me I cannot see myself in Africa living out this call.  Vision is not one of my spiritual gifts, and I am struggling to see this one more and more.

And honestly the bottom line that covers all three of these road blocks is my lack of faith. (This is a huge problem.)

Okay I'm just going to go ahead and reality check myself:  God has called me to this if I have heard Him correctly, and He doesn't call us to things if He doesn't intend for them to happen.  I have watched Him work bigger things in my life, and I am basically sitting here giving Him reasons why He is wrong.  I think at some points He is straight up laughing at me.  He has all of the money in the world, and I don't think for a minute (well I do, but I know better) finances are standing in the way. Secondly vision is a great spiritual gift to have, but I don't have it.  Oddly enough He has a plan so perhaps I don't need it. I just need to trust Him, and His call for my life. As far as fear goes, yes there are so many things that could go wrong, but fear in itself seems to be a complete lack of faith in this moment.

I need to trust God, and I need to trust Him now. I need to stop giving Him reasons why this can't happen, and start giving myself reasons why it can.  God is so much bigger than any of this.  I need to suck it up and fill out this application, and send it in (perhaps instead of blogging?) And it is oh so easy to keep saying that, it's kind of like me saying I need to do laundry. It's true I need to, but I'll just stare at it for a few more days.

My God is bigger than all of this, and I need to cling to that and to Him instead of to my human nature.

I'd love to say I am going to get off here and fill out the application, but I'd be lying. So instead I am going to get off here and watch TV and hope God kicks me in the face soon...