I suppose this is more of an announcement than anything....
I am taking a break from everything, and everyone.
Pause. Stop. I already know what you're thinking. Cue Lauren's tendency to run away. For a while I was convinced this was exactly what was happening too, but tonight I gained some clarity.
The past few weeks/month has been rough for me. Somewhere along the lines I've lost my identity as a daughter of God. Instead I was looking around and seeing how I didn't fit in with ANYONE. I'm not married and starting a family like 98% of my church, I'm not really the party type like most college kids(and some of my friends), which leaves me in the middle. I'm ready to declare my independence as an adult, but I also feel like I don't meet the standard "criteria" to be an adult (marriage, family, full-time job, etc) I pay my bills which makes me a responsible college-aged person, but not quite the "adult" I would like to be at this point.
Light bulb: As a Christian I am not meant to "fit-in" so I should probably just get used to it. God has bigger plans for me, and while His plans aren't happening on my time there is a reason. I've stopped putting everything I have into being a Christian and following Christ, and have started focusing on all of the places where I don't quite fit. No wonder the depression has been hanging around, and no wonder I've spent so much time whining, crying, and complaining about all of the things that aren't happening to me.
So I need a break from nearly everything, and nearly everyone. What will this solve?
I'm not sure. Ideally I want to take the next month and focus on no other relationship than my relationship with Christ. Yes, as a Christian I am called to live in community, and I am totally up for that, but simultaneously I am absolutely worthless in community if I am not centered on my Lord and Savior.
So here is the plan: For the month of July I am out. I need a break from all of it. I need to stop seeing where I don't fit, and start feeling where I fit perfectly in relationship with Christ. I need to get my feet on solid ground that only God can provide, and being so sure in that relationship that this doesn't happen over and over again as I make the transition from college life to real world.
How do we guarantee I am not just running away? I still plan on being accountable to people. Yes, I'm taking a break and escaping for a while, but come end of July if I'm not back, present, and more Christ-centered then it's time to reevaluate the situation. I am committing to a one month break, if it needs to be longer, this topic can be revisited. If it needs to be shorter, then I shall pop back up out of my hole.
So how far is this going? I plan on still blogging. Mainly because I blog for myself not for anyone else, and I feel like it is a good way for people to still be able to check-in with me, while me still getting the break I need. Facebook and Twitter are on the fence. I am unsure if they will stay or go for the month...I'll be praying about this and if they suddenly go missing well everyone now knows why. My phone? I'll have it on me, but perhaps it will be off more often than on. Group settings? I'm out. I'll be back, but I need this time for myself and for my relationship with God. Hang out times with friends? Extremely limited, obviously if it's earth shattering I'll be there for any of my friends in a heartbeat, but currently I need to go MIA from the world so I can become re-centered.
So what am I doing instead? Focusing on my relationship with Christ. Reading the Bible more, praying often, and letting God guide me into what happens next.
Love you all, and I am very thankful for everything I have in my friendships and relationships, and I hope after this is done and over with I have more to offer to every friendship and relationship I have.
God needs to come first, and I plan on making that a conscious point of the next month. Prayers from everyone would be much appreciated, and if there is anything you need prayers for let me know.
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