This whole "Going to Africa" thing is happening. It is happening all around me, and is pushing me past my limits daily as I fill out applications, make decisions about ministries, ask for references, etc.
Last night it really happened though, I freaked out. I was sitting around with some of my favorite ladies talking about how much was happening, and how excited I was, and then someone said..."What do we do to help you raise the money?"
Sounds like a simple question, and really it is. In fact the ministry I am currently most interested in already sent me a list of ideas. I think what freaked me out is that I was CONVINCED that money was going to stand in the way of me actually going. This was really fun to talk and dream about, but still in the back of my head I was never actually going to make it to Africa. God, had me fooled. He didn't put the people in my life who have been loving me, and pushing me to follow this call only to let something stupid like money stand in the way.
Insert fears here: I have to fly. I have to fly across an ocean. I have to land in a foreign country and get picked up by someone I have never met personally. Live there for two months in a culture I am still rather unfamiliar with, and then fly again.
and what really is happening...
I HAVE TO TRUST GOD.
I have no control on anything right now. I am trusting God to pave the way not only for me to get over there safely, but for me to get home safely as well. I have to trust God in a way I've never had to before because I have always been in a familiar environment with people I know. I have to trust God with every decision I make, and I have to let Him in on EVERY single opportunity that arises.
Conclusion: This is God, NOT me. I didn't make this decision half-heartedly, in fact I would argue I didn't make this decision at all (I really love Springfield folks) God called me to something and I could have said no, but if I live life saying "no" to God's calls I'm not leading the Christian life I desire. I am not leading the Christian life that some of the people I respect most are living. I'm not living a life Christ would live. At that point I'm not even sure if I would be being a Christian.
So I said "yes" to God's call when He laid Africa on my heart, and this is what I know...
I am in way over my head, but I am all in. I cry about this call from God daily, but I also celebrate every small thing that gets me closer. This is happening. I can freak out. I can joke about running away to love on Canadian orphans instead. I can even stomp my feet and throw temper tantrums, but at the end of the night I go to sleep and I dream about a life in Africa that I haven't yet seen, and I wake up longing to love on kids that need it more than anyone else I know.
I keep saying to God (and to myself) I am all in. I keep praying to God to keep having people push me further. I keep praying to God to push me further himself. I keep praying that discernment and obedience will take me over. I keep praying for safety, and for money, and for growth throughout this time. I am more in-sync with God in this past week than I think I ever have been because the center of my world right now is His plan.
I am freaking out because I am human. This is happening because my God is so much bigger than me, and my moments of panic.
I want to end this blog by saying this: right now in the next few weeks while this ball really gets rolling I need so many prayers. I need hugs. I need people to let me rant. I need people to let me sort out my feelings via word vomit. I need love from my Christian brothers and sisters. I need support from my family. I need to hear that God has this under control, so I don't have to have it under control. I need people to hold hands with me and pray. I need people to keep pushing me forward. I need people to love on me a bit more, as I make this leap of faith. I am trying my best to trust God, but I am human so I have moments, and in those moments I need everyone else to hold me to this. I'm saying yes to God's call, but I still need someone to stand behind me and stop me from running away.
Don't run away! Goodness, following Christ is not easy. I think anybody who actually is following Christ would be the first to admit that. And many of us are scared. It's scary to trust God when you've never ever had to trust about any of those details before. But God is all powerful and completely present and faithful even when we are not. That last one is the most humbling thing. Keep on taking the next step. God has all the money in the world. He won't let that or anything else stop you.
ReplyDelete(I hate flying too. It gets a bit easier every time.)
Of course, you know you can talk to me about this any time. God has people he needs you to show his love to. And he has so much to teach you, as He uses you. :)
Love from Africa!
You speak some very wise truths :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's totally normal and acceptable to be scared. But like you said, God's got this and He's not going to let anything stand in the way. I bet you a gazillion dollars that when you come back home, you'll be SOOOO glad you did it.
Prayers and love your way. Usually, the best things are tough. Sounds to me like you're on the right track!
-Cassy