To My Friends and Family on Christmas Day

I'm sitting in the house I grew up in, and the memories of past years fill my head. The year I had the stomach flu, the year I got a pink Barbie convertible, the year I found out Santa actually preferred to go by "Mom," the year I got a guitar, and last night at 1am as I sat in the living room with my mom.  We opened gifts, just the two of us.  I am awestruck by the beauty of these memories, and so many others that occurred in this house.

Even more than the memories, I am awestruck by the author of them, by the writer of my life, by the God that knows my past, present, and future even better than I.

I sit here and realize how many things have fallen in just the right way. Even when  I was not a believer God was working to bring me to Him.  I did nothing to earn His grace. I did nothing to earn His favor. I did nothing to ever deserve His love.  Here I sit, in awestruck wonder, at Him.

Christmas is different this year.  I spent 19 years never truly understanding the full meaning of Christmas.  When I finally became a Christian it was amidst much loss. Christmas never truly focused on Christ in the past 4 years, but on the empty places in my heart.  This Christmas I feel different. I am brought to tears by the thought of a baby in a manger.  My heart feels light, and I feel overjoyed at the best Christmas gift any of us have ever and could ever receive.

I am blessed to call each of you family by blood or by Christ.  I am blessed to have people who love me on my best days and my worst. I am blessed to have family that supports me in everything.  More than anything I am blessed to have a Savior who has called me by name.

Merry Christmas

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11

A Letter

Dear Sara,

Today would be your 31st birthday.  I woke up this morning, and thought about what I would have said to you in a text message.  It went like this:

Happy Birthday Sis, sorry you're getting old :P

I don't know what you would have said back. Probably thanks and shut up.  I do know this: I miss you more everyday, not less.  It's harder to remember your laugh, but what we laughed about will forever be with me.  I try not to think about the days we didn't have or the times when things weren't perfect. I try really hard to do things that make you proud, or at least make you smile.

I'm going to Africa in September, and I can't help but think how happy you would be for me.  I'm blessed to have such an amazing support system here, and I know in a way you are a part of that.  It's hard for me not to wish you were here when I talk about my trip, I just know how excited you would be for me.

I carry you with me everyday in some way or another. I will always miss you, but I promise to keep moving forward. When I get sad or stressed or frustrated I think of how you called me "baby girl" and always told me things would work out.  And you know? They always have worked out.

I know you hated that your birthday was so close to Christmas but I'm probably not going to be writing you another letter...this one seems crazy enough. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.

I love you. I definitely wish I would have told you that more, but I know you knew.

Love,
Lauren

This is What You Left Me.

This is what you left me:

A letter to yourself.
Letters to some other people.
Some scribbles and notes,
that have no value to me other than
they were yours.  You left me
with some memories, but no pictures.
You left me with a lot of what ifs
and whys, and for a while I thought
some where answers would appear.
They never did.
You left me with a box of stuff.
Sometimes I feel like I am just
holding on to trash you never had
a chance to throw out.
This is what you left,
me.

Finding the Middle

I'm an extremist.  I don't believe in grey areas...(I don't even like the word gray because no one can agree how to spell it. I looked it up...both grey and gray are acceptable but "gray" is the American preferred version...I currently think America is wrong on this though so I stick with my original spelling.)

I'm either utterly obsessed or completely uninterested. I'm either having the best day ever or the worst. I'm either checking everything off of my to-do list or not even writing one.

This is a problem in every aspect of my life as you can clearly see.

I struggle when it comes to finding middle ground in myself, in my faith, in my day to day life, and in everything else it seems.

It's the years of struggling to be a perfectionist that has finally caught up with me.  If I can't be the best then I might as well not be anything, so I might as well not even try... (I wouldn't want people to think that I'm trying and just not succeeding.)

Where did my hatred for the middle come from, and how do I fix this?

Application #2

Okay so here is sort of a general Africa update...

I've been feeling like a door got closed on me and I've been sitting in a very vacant hallway for a while now.  No news, no e-mails, no updates, no decisions, no flights.  I wanted to scream, but instead I pouted (or maybe I did both.)

I felt like I had discerned God's call incorectly. Maybe He was telling me no. Maybe this wasn't His plan for my life. Or maybe He wanted me to see how badly I had actually wanted to follow His lead.

Before the whole graduation thing I wasn't sure. I was scared. I wasn't blindly following Him, rather asking Him a whole lot of questions.  I think I'm more prepared now to blindly follow His lead because now I know how much I want this. I don't need to know where the money will come from...just that it will show up. I don't need to know how I'm going to survive without my family and friends in another country...just that He will be there, every step of the way. I don't need to worry about dying on a plane...just that He will be there to help me get through it.

I just finished my application for Ethiopia, and ideally tomorrow it will be in the mail.  I'm guessing  I will hear back rather quickly...by December 15th.

Please pray for this. Pray that I keep my head together, and that I give all of this to God. This is His plan, not mine and I need to STOP being a control freak because as I was reminded by the sermon this morning, I am not and never will be in control of how life happens.

I've learned a lot about myself the past 6-8 weeks, and I've learned a lot about my relationship with God.  He is making me better than  I could ever become on my own.

So here goes application #2...please pray for this.

My 20s had No Warning Label

My 20's had no warning label.  

Your teenage years come labeled as "the awkward years."  You know before you get there. You're going to get braces, you're going to be in junior high and high school where girls will be catty and boys will be jocks, someone is going to stomp on your heart, and some where in between all of that you'll learn to have fun, and hey the good news? College will be rock awesome! So I squeaked my way through junior high and high school, and on the days that were less than perfect I told myself this was normal, every one thinks your teen years suck. 

College came, and despite some of the hardest times in my life happening my freshman year; college turned out to be everything it was hyped up to be... and more.  And then something happened...I turned 23. I changed my major five too many times. A lot of those friends I had graduated before me. They got engaged. Some even got married. A few are already having/have kids.  And this is what it feels like...

"You feel like you're 6 years old in the San Diego Zoo (It's a big freakin' zoo) And you're searching for a familiar face. Hold tight. Pray a lot. Eventually a voice will come over the loud speaker to tell you where you can go to be found."  --Paul Angone (His article "21 Secrets for Your 20s" may have rocked my world)

So. True. I'm watching so many of my friends live the life I thought I had wanted. I wanted to get married right out of school. I wanted to start my career (making 50K right out...and no less, of course) I wanted to buy my first house. I wanted to begin having a family. I wanted all of that, and now being approximately 30 minutes wiser than the last time I realized all of my friends were moving on and up while I was "stuck" part of me still...sort of...maybe...kind of wants it. (Honesty is the best policy...)

Then there is a bigger part of me, that wants something so very different.  I want to travel across the ocean. I want to help someone.  I want to chase God. I want to explore. And honestly? I want to do it single.

Don't get me wrong, if you're ready for marriage I think that's great. I, however am not.  98% of mornings I wake up, and I don't even like myself all of that much until 10am...much less another human being (Yeah...I'm just not a morning person)

I feel like I was never told that it was okay to feel that way until the past few years.  My whole life I have been given the next stop. Kindergarten, elementary school, junior high, high school, college, grad school/marriage, career, babies, grandkids, etc. This week I've realized I don't want the traditional next step. I want my next step, and I want it my way.

I want to use the next 3-6 years to travel, I want to be authentic in every relationship I have, I want to stop holding tightly to people and things that don't make me happy, I want to make mistakes, and to work crappy jobs I don't necessarily love, and I want to write it all down just as I see it.

So here is to moving up and moving on....my way.

P.S. Does anyone want to warn me about my thirties before I get there?

God, Are You Even There?

The past month has been a struggle.

I've felt discouraged, alone, frustrated, and depressed.  I kept making more and more time for God, but it simply felt like He wasn't there.   I felt like He had left me when I needed Him most.

I know He didn't leave.  Scriptures say He never leaves us, but it felt like it.  I truly felt like I was sending Him SOS signs, and He was just not answering.  My heart kept hurting more and more, and I felt like I was drowning.

I came to Christ in a time where I needed stability. People I loved were passing away left and right, and I needed something/someone I could grip onto, someone that wouldn't let me go. Christ was that for me then, so needless to say the past month in the midst of graduation struggles, and dreams of Africa seemingly dashed I was looking for that support, and I wasn't finding it.  Cue depression.  Cue me shutting down. Cue heartbreak. Cue bottling emotions. Every bad habit I felt like I had broken in the past few months came back at a startling rate.  I didn't ask for help. I didn't tell anyone what I was feeling. I just held it in the best I could, and told everyone God has it under control, despite the fact that my belief in that had long faded.

This morning I was sitting in my car, driving to work, and God showed up.  I'm sure He had been there all along, but out of nowhere I felt the Holy Spirit come down around me.  My heart calmed, and an answer sort of struck me. The answer I had been begging for.  I'm going to Africa this summer. No, I haven't heard back from the orphanage, but I'm confident God has something planned...I just don't know what.

Throughout my day I just felt free. I felt God lifting me up and surrounding me. I felt Him telling me to keep going.  I've wanted to throw this dream away for a whole month now; things have just seemed hopeless.  My spark is back, I am willing to wait, but also ready to go.  God has this, but more importantly I feel God holding me in His hands and taking this burden away.

One more semester. I can do anything for 6 months, and that includes chasing this dream.

Yes, God was there. I'm unsure why He felt distant, and there is no real clarity to "What I learned in the past month."  What I do know is that I will appreciate this journey that God is sending me on that much more.

I read this from Jon Acuff's blog today and I feel like it fits...(paraphrasing here people) Perseverance is the ugly part of dreaming.  The world is full of dreamers; dreaming is easy. Doing is the hassle.

A reminder to keep going.  Simply beautiful in a time when I've wanted to throw my hands up and scream "God, are you even there?"

This Plan was Never Mine

Funny thing how we fallen and sinful humans work....

See 6 months ago when God put Africa on my heart, I wanted to tell Him no. In fact it was a daily prayer for me to continue moving one foot in front of the other as this process began. It was His plan, and not mine, and therefore slightly inconvenient for me.

Then my heart started to get used to the idea. Fear subsided. Excitement happened. Emotional investments were made.  Slowly but surely it became my plan.  Yes, originally it was God's but I took it off His plate, I mean He has so many other things to deal with that surely, this one, well I could manage.

And then the great graduation debacle came along and screwed up my plans, and I went into a tizzy while I convinced myself that MSU was single-handedly trying to blockade God's plans for my life from happening.

Funny part is that somewhere along the lines I had taken God's plan and made it mine. I had stopped giving it to Him, because well if you didn't know He is very busy being God, and I could handle this.

Tonight I'm reminded in a very big way it is still God's plan, and perhaps He needed to show me that.  I've thrown a fit thinking that my plans were being ruined, but they were never my plans in the first place.

I had lost hope and faith in God because I had put too much stock in my abilities to take over and then everything fell apart.  I wish this was shocking to me, but it isn't.  Rather it is a reoccurring lesson learned once again.

My dad and I talked tonight and this is what he said: "Take the emotions out, and logically rewrite how you're going to achieve what you want."

Take the emotions out? Silly dad there are no emotions, after all I'm a thinker not a feeler (please roll eyes here.)

The next part involves my emotions temporarily being set aside:

1) Graduate...it has to happen and it has to happen before I leave. Mainly because I've come to realize I can enjoy my trip a whole lot more if I'm not dreading coming back to finish school the whole time I am there.

2) Go. No I haven't heard back from the orphanage on resetting dates, but like all the other emails in the past that email will come too, it just might be a bit further out. I'm still going. If for some reason it isn't with that ministry, there will be another.

3)While completing steps one and two remember that this isn't my plan, it is God's plan. Which means nothing will be ruining it or blockading it, and that when changes are made last minute I have no right to be upset because  I am not the author of the plan  (Good thing too), and the one that is already took into account all of the factors I never could foresee.

A Curve Ball...

This whole graduation thing is God's plan.

Whether it works out and I graduate in 3 months or it doesn't and I graduate in 8 months, it is still God's plan.

God's plan is better than my plan...I think?...Okay, okay, okay. It is. I know it. My plans fail every time. His plans have worked out for the best over and over again.

I struggle because I DESPISE school. I'm not good at it. It's hard for me to focus. I don't really care. I sort of resent MSU for how much money it cost. My degree isn't in demand...at all...and probably never will be. I went to college to appease a whole lot of people.  Telling me I have another semester that I hadn't expected is the exact thing to send me into a whirlwind of  fowl language, anger, and tears.

I'm aggravated, I had my post graduation plans planned.  I'm trying hard to praise God in this. It is for a reason (I know that) but in the middle of all of it, my heart just sort of hurts.

It's the extra semester, it's the delay to my trip to Africa, it's feeling like I discerned God's call incorrectly.  At some points this week it has felt like God has been saying "This is my way to tell you this isn't my will for you."  Then I remind myself of the scripture I've been reading and re-reading.  Going to Africa is in God's will for me, too many things have lined up for it not to be, but in my anger and sadness over the whole incident the devil has found himself a foothold, and it sucks.

The devil is using this, I've felt it in various ways.  I've always been told bad things usually happen before a missions trip, and right as I had gained momentum and began making giant steps towards my goal, and I had really started to feel at peace, this happened.

I've never been good at praising God in times of hardship. After turbulence has passed, and I can see what came out of it, I am great at it; however, mid-tornado you can usually find fallen and sinful me screaming things that don't begin with "Praise God."  This is totally an opportunity for me to work on it, and I am trying.  Every time I feel resentful I pull out my Bible, I podcast a sermon, I pray, or I turn on christian radio. I am desperately trying to get through this by praising God, but it is hard.  Perhaps this is what God is teaching me in all of this? Perhaps this is where His plan comes in?

I don't want my anger and sadness over this issue to give the devil any satisfaction.  I will pursue Christ in this time, and I will continue to praise Him, or at least go to Him in my sadness knowing that He will be there to meet me.

This is not life-ending, it is simply a change in plans, a curve ball, and a bump in the road.  God will work through it and in it, and I have to trust in that.

Please keep praying for this trip, for me, and for God's plan.

This Step, and the Next

Today at 9am I felt like my whole world collapsed. MSU punched me in the stomach, broke my heart, and then stomped on it.

I was planned to graduate in December. (Why yes, that is 3 months from now). Today I find out there was an error in my degree audit.  NINE credit hours are missing. That's three classes, and it looks like an extra semester. I will not graduate this December, but in May. My heart fell apart, and I cried.

I had Africa planned in February.
I had family looking forward to my graduation.
I was done with school.
I had decisions made, plans made, and bottom line I was ready to start life post-graduation.

So what does this mean for Africa/Fundraising?

I'm still going. I emailed the orphanage to see if we could reset dates in June. Not for 6 weeks, but for a year. Fundraising is still happening, as far as I'm concerned this is STILL God's will, and I will plan accordingly until He makes it very very clear it's not. This may be a six month delay, but delays happen all of the time. Life is made up of these, and I have a perfect, almighty God to carry me through them. UGANDA IS STILL HAPPENING! I haven't doubted that for a single moment.  The fundraising we have planned is still a go. (In June it will still cost money)  I have no doubt that I am meant to serve at this orphanage. I have no doubt that something bigger and better is coming of this.

How are you feeling?

I feel like crap. I played the blame game for a while this morning. It was my advisors fault, it was MSU's fault, it was my fault.  That game made me feel a whole lot worse.  I called my dad and cried to him mid-work day. I cried to my assistant manager in the middle of my progress report. I cried to my best friend on the phone. I cried to my mentor. I cried to a whole lot of other people, and basically I just cried a lot. I shed a lot of tears today. I told myself today I could cry as much and as hard as I wanted as long as tomorrow I picked up the pieces, and I moved on with my head held up.  Tomorrow I pick up the pieces. Tomorrow I pick my nine credit hours, and I enroll. I will PRAISE GOD in this moment. It hurts...most definitely but His plan is happening.

My one request...

Pray about this, and for me.  It really isn't easy to have your whole life pushed back six months, in fact it is really hard.  I don't know why this is happening, and God and I are on a need to know basis, and right now...I probably don't need to know.  He has this covered, but I am human and need prayers. Pray that I truly give this to Him in this time. Pray that I keep my thoughts positive. Pray that God's plan and God's glory shines through in all of this.

To everyone who let me cry today...

Thank you. I needed it, but more than that I needed your support, which was also overwhelmingly present. I am SO THANKFUL for each and everyone of you. I am thankful for moments like these where I can recognize God's amazing ability to put the right people in your life at the right moment. I am going to be okay. This is nothing but a bump in the road, and I will praise God for it because I know there is a reason.

Things I know:
He has plans for me to give me hope and a future.
He works all things in my good.
He is there when I call on Him.
When I am lost, He will find me.

Nine credit hours will not stand between me and my dreams, and it definitely won't stand between God and His plan.  Praising God for all He has done and will do.

In Over My Head

There are days I think of boarding a plane and living in Uganda, and I long for it. I long to spend time with the kids that are in the orphanage. I long to learn so much about myself and the Ugandan people. I long to be in the dead center of God's will for my life with a fiery passion that is beyond explainable. (That last part is more the Holy Spirit than anything, I'm sure of it...)

Then there are other days.  I think of life here. I think of my friends, and family. I think of my dog. I think of birthdays and holidays I'll miss. I think of the small things, like waking up to my puppy curled up on my pillow, and drinking Starbucks with friends.  I think of driving my car with the windows down, and I think of how much I love pizza.  I think about the weddings I can't be in, and the friends I've let down. I think about missing my best friends baby girl turning one (that one breaks my heart).  I think about how there is no possible way I will ever be ready to do this.

Truth is: I'll never be ready. I'll never be ready to give up everything I've ever known in exchange for something entirely unfamiliar.  That's where God comes in. I won't be ready, but He is ready. He is ready to walk with me. He is ready for me to rely on Him whole-heartedly. He is ready for me to be one step closer into my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Today at church I told someone "Jesus is ruining my life." They acted as if I shouldn't of said it, perhaps it sounds "taboo."  Truth is: JESUS IS RUINING MY LIFE! He is ruining everything I've ever known and relied on in an effort to bring me closer to Him, and to be honest I told Him to do it. I invited Him into this. I wanted this. Yes, I mean when I say He is ruining my life, but He is doing it in the most God-glorifying way.  He is ruining a life filled with comfort and complacency. He is ruining a life filled with happiness that relies on stuff and relationships that aren't permanent. He is ruining everything that I want to cling too and run from simultaneously.  He is saving me from everything that has defined and destroyed me at various moments in my life.

My flesh is scared. My flesh is fighting this. My flesh is sinful.

I'm reaffirming this once again: God, I am all in for whatever your plan is, because quite frankly my plan sucked.

As my friends and family, you can go all in on this with me. You can support me and love me and encourage me, or you can not comment. There is no in between.  I don't want to hear what I'm risking. I don't want to hear what I'm leaving. I don't want to hear one more word about what I will miss back here. I already know, but I also already know that I would give up EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP AND ITEM I HAVE FOR JESUS CHRIST.

That is why I am doing this. This was not, is not, and will never be about me. It's about HIM. It's about the one thing in my life that I need and want more than anything else. The Bible is clear. "Let the dead bury their own," "What you've done to the least of these you've done to me," "Follow me," "Sell everything you own and give it to the poor," and those are only a few things racing through my head right now. I DESIRE TO FOLLOW JESUS IN A DEEPER WAY THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE.

I can't tell you how many fears I have going into this, I can't tell you how sad I get when I think of things I will miss, I can't tell you how many tears I've cried, and will cry between now and then.

Support me. Love me. Let me cry. Let me be scared. Hug me. Pray for me. Pray with me. Spend every moment you get with me between now and the time I board a plane.  But for one second, DO NOT discourage me. I want this to be my life. Not for 6 weeks. Not for a year. But for my entire life, I want to chase after Jesus in the way that I am now. I'm making decisions I've never made before, but I want Jesus in the most desperate of ways, and when I made that decision, I made the decision to give up a whole lot of other stuff.

On top of it all, my desktop background is 12 beautiful Ugandan kids that know heartbreak, abandonment, and hurt in an indescribable way, and they also know the love of Jesus in a way most of us can never understand.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I know I'm in over my head. I know that I am blind to what is going to happen in my life through this trip. I know that I cannot possibly prepare for every single thing that could go wrong. I also know that my God is bigger than all of that, and being in the center of His will is really all I want for my life.

Pause

Do you ever just want to hit pause?

Pause on life, on work, on relationships, on everything?

Right now I want nothing more than to hit pause. It's like my heart jumped ship for Africa, my mind is always at work, I'm fighting my tendency to run away from relationships, I'm dealing with things I have made an effort to not deal with for the past 22 years, and I'm somewhere outside of it all, watching, wishing I could just hit pause.  I need everything to stop long enough to gather myself that feels stretched in a million directions, and get centered on what is really important:

Christ.

This happens over and over again. I bite off more than I can chew, I send myself in 10 different directions, my relationship with God becomes the last thing on a to-do list rather than a desire of my heart, and I keep running ahead of myself just trying to make it to a certain day or time.  Then something unexpected happens, like I had it all under control on my own, things were planned, I was going to be fine, and then something happens because life isn't as plan-able as I would like it to be. I'm too busy chasing after everything that isn't God, so God reminds me once again that life can't be mapped out, and it definitely is not just a series of to-do list.

Reminded: Life is not about me or my plan, but about Him, His will, and His plan. I want it no other way.

What if...

I keep thinking 5 months ahead.

5 months from today I board a flight that takes me from St. Louis to Washington DC, and from there I will find myself in Belgium only to arrive in Entebbe, Uganda hours later.

5 months from today my life changes in a way that I can't even imagine right now.

This is where I am at right now...

I keep asking God what life looks like 5 months from now, and then I ask Him an even bigger question....What does life look like on March 23rd, 2013 when I return home.

It's one of those times where audible voice God would be really helpful, because no matter how many times I ask my thoughts are too loud to ever hear His reply.  My heart currently is screaming there is no way I can come back to America after seven weeks with 14 children that I haven't met yet, but I am already in love with. There is no way I can ever be a 9-5 desk worker, and there is no way God really intended to send me some place so beautiful for only seven weeks, only to call me back to a place that seems so far from my heart.

Long term missionary living in Uganda may very well be my calling.  Perhaps God had this planned out long ago, or perhaps it isn't His plan for me at all. Time will surely tell and until then I'll probably stay up very late some nights, praying, asking, and wondering...

What about my dog?
My family?
My friends?
My life here in Springfield?

What happens to everything if I am called to Uganda in a more permanent capacity?

The question brings tears to my eyes, but the answer brings peace to my heart.

The answer:

I leave it all here, and I go where God has called me.

It's almost unexplainable how this feels to my heart.  I don't know what life looks like on February 8th, and I know even less about March 23rd.   I know God has this all planned out, and that His plan far surpasses anything I can think up.  I promised months ago that I was all in; that God's plans would take precedence over my plans, that His will would be my path.

The simple fact is...this is on my heart for a reason, and I don't believe it is going away anytime soon. I think God will reveal His plan in His time, because oddly enough He doesn't operate on my schedule, and until then I'll keep praying for discernment and obedience.

This is a quote from the book that really moved me in the direction of mission work in Africa. This is part of what changed everything a few months ago. It's called Kisses from Katie, and it's a true story of a young woman who ends up following God's call for her life to Uganda. It is beautiful and inspiring, and her words speak so much truth to my heart throughout the entire book.  This is what she says about being in Uganda...

“Uncertainty is everywhere. But I am living in the midst of the uncertainty and risk, amid things that can and do bring physical destruction, because I am running from things that can destroy my soul, complacency, comfort and ignorance. I am much more terrified of living a comfortable life in a self serving society and failing to follow Jesus than I am of any illness or tragedy.” 
― Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

But That's NOT How it is Supposed to be...

I've spent a lot of time battling myself on what life is "supposed to be." I don't know where I got the idea that things in this life were to function a certain way, and by a certain way I mean they should meet and/or exceed my expectations.

My vision of how it should be: I never experience a sadness that chocolate and rain boots (I love the rain) won't heal, I should never fight with my family (Hello, in my world we are the Brady Bunch meets the Cleavers) My friends and I should never disagree. There should be a ring on my left ring finger from the man of my dreams (who I never fight with by the way), and my room well, it cleans itself because I'm obviously too busy shopping and drinking Starbucks.

Honestly, my life doesn't come close to the picture that I just painted.  I fight with my family, sometimes even my closest friends hurt me (and I hurt them). I can't afford to drink Starbucks or shop because I'm planning a trip to a third world country. My dog drives me nuts. My laundry isn't done. My room isn't clean. And frankly if chocolate and rain boots fixed all of the tears...well I wouldn't be blogging.

Where did I get this idea of how it is "supposed to be?"  My heart is an idol factory (part of that whole fallen, sinful person thing, I guess...), and I think sometimes (by sometimes I mean this is a consistent battle) my idol quickly becomes what I want life to be like, not what God designed life to be here on this Earth.

God is spending each day showing me that this is very much my temporary home, but that there are people here who make it so wonderful.  I needed my Christian family this week in a way that I don't think I can begin to explain.  This week I really confronted some things I was dealing with, and I was met with overwhelming support and love.  The way it is "supposed to be" has broken my heart over and over again, so perhaps it is time to grieve the idea of what life "should" look like, and start rejoicing in what life does look like.

And this is what life truly looks like (from the less pessimistic version of me)...

I have a God who sees me as blameless, righteous, and has extended me grace far beyond my comprehension.  I have a Christian family who is ALWAYS there, and for the first time in a few years I am starting to realize that they aren't leaving no matter how much baggage I bring to the table (turns out family isn't always blood, and a family centered around Christ is stronger than  I can comprehend.)  My parents do every thing they can to give me the tools to be successful in life. My friends love me, to the point that they are  sacrificing their time to put together fundraising stuff for my trip to Uganda. I am going to Uganda...the reality of how it should be: There are millions of kids who deserve to each have a mommy that knows their favorite dinner.  I can't be that for a kid quite yet, I'm by no means ready to be a mom, but one day I plan on giving a kid or two or seven just that, and until then  I can offer them love, and smiles, and I can wipe away tears.

So no, life hasn't lived up to the picture I painted, but it has far exceeded any picture that a human could create. It is designed by God and therefore it is beautiful.  Sin can screw it up a lot of times, our hearts create idols and visions that are false gods and misleading. It seems that in my life, for every time I screw up God finds a way to bring me back with His grace. He promises to always work for the good of those who believe, and therefore my plan will always fall short of His plan. I want my life no other way, than the one He designed for me to have.

Regardless, I Will Choose to Praise Him

I hate depression. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.  I wish I could say that I can visibly see God working through this stupid illness for a purpose, but honestly part of this whole depression problem is that my vision is tunneled.

My heart hurts. I don't know how else to explain it, other than that. I keep praying that it goes away, and sometimes it does. There are days when even I forget it's there, but those days aren't nearly as numerous as I would like.  I know one day it does go away. One day I go home to be with God, and all of it goes away, and I long for that more than anything.

In the mean time, life keeps going.  Some times it feels like I've hit pause and everyone else is on fast forward. I want to lay in bed, and shut out the world. I don't. I can't. I'll keep going, because in the midst of the tears, and the pain, and the times when I feel like I've been left completely alone by every single person I care about...I have a Savior who sits with me in a dark room, and reminds me of His love for me.

I once listened to a Matt Chandler study on Philippians.  There is a verse that says "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say, rejoice." (Phil 4:4) That Bible verse haunted me up until I heard Matt Chandler speak on it.  When you struggle with something like depression the words "Rejoice always" make your stomach hurt. Please notice it is a command. It is not something Paul says "if you feel like it..." He states "Rejoice ALWAYS." Rejoicing can be hard, and "always" seems nearly impossible. (And obviously Paul was on crack, right? Nope. Paul knew what He was saying)  Chandler took a different spin on it than what I had always assumed it meant. He talks about how you should rejoice that even in your pain, God is there. Even at the times when I've been beaten down, God is there, in my pain, with me.  In that, I will rejoice.  A perfect God has no need for a sinner such as myself, but He chooses to look at me, and call me daughter, and He loves me.  That is something to rejoice in, and so I will.

I hate this illness, because a lot of times people don't understand. It's not something I can just "get over," it's not something I chose for myself, it's not something I made up in my head.  I look perfectly healthy, I lead a very normal life, and I've made a conscience effort to not let this disease define my everyday. A friend once shared this with me, and I find more often than not I want to plaster this all over the place so people could understand how awful they sound sometimes when they talk about depression or other mental illnesses:

I usually don't speak out on this. I don't think I've ever been this vocal about it, but it's nearly 3am in my apartment, and honestly this evening/weekend/week has not been awesome.  I'm angry that I'm stuck with this. I'm angry that it runs in my family. I'm angry that if I ever have kids,  chances are they will fight this same battle.  I'm angry that there are so many people in the world fighting this same battle, and I pray they find comfort in God. I'm angry that this illness claims lives every day, just like so many other illnesses but it's not taken seriously because it isn't always physically visible.  I'm angry that I will live with this for the rest of my life, and that people who love me have to watch, knowing there is very little they can do other than continue to love me.  I'm angry at this illness, and I'm angry at myself for having it, sometimes (like at the beginning of this blog 10 minutes ago) I'm angry at God for not taking it away.

In spite of my anger...I will praise Him for the times that He has comforted me. I will praise Him that in my anger He sits with me, just like in my sadness. I will praise Him for the people I do have, that do understand, that give me the courage to get up and move when I don't want to do anything. I will praise Him simply because He is God, and He is a perfect, almighty God. Maybe in my choosing to praise Him, He will work in that. I know He has a plan, and I know it is far better than my own. If I have this battle with depression there is a reason. He will work through it and in it, and in that I seek comfort.

Giving Up

Realized:  God has called me to give everything up, in His name, for His glory.

Realized: I've been fighting this call every step of the way.

This is me throwing in the towel folks, on my life and my plans.  I've fought God every step of the way. He has asked for sacrifices and I have given Him shrugged shoulders and indecisive answers. He has asked me to trust and love people, and I've built walls in fear of letting people in. He has called me to a life of serving others, and I've asked for more "me time."He has called and called and called, and I fear I have not answered, at least not fully. It seems to me that He has knocked, and I've only just begun peering out the window.

My desires: To serve and know God on a more intimate level than I have even dreamed...

My actions: Serving myself, and finding comfort here on this earth.

This earth is not meant to be comfortable. This earth is not meant to be permanent. I am not on this earth for myself, I am here because of and for Him.

I've been wanting and doing separate things for far too long.

I need to give up my plans, but why is that so hard?!? Why is it that every time I think about God's calling for me I give Him terrible reasons of why I can't follow His plan?  It's His plan, and I can fight it, or I can follow it. I seem to think that following it sounds like a better path.

All I can say dear friends, is that I am a work in progress, but God is working on me, and I feel it and see it every day.  I don't know what my life looks like a year, or five years down the road. I don't know where I am going or what I am doing, all I know is that I need to stop trying to figure it out, and start leaving it to God to show me the way.

So here is to really giving it up, to laying it down for God. I want to serve Him. I want to love Him. I want to glorify Him.  I want Him, all of Him, and none of me. I am a sinful creature, and that is absolutely what it comes down to. I am sinful, and I NEED Jesus Christ for my salvation.

God, I promise I am all in, but my flesh is challenging that everyday, and I refuse to let that win out over a life dedicated to you. More you. Less Me.  Help me be everything you desire me to be, cause I cannot do it without you.

Fairy Tale Endings

Somewhere deep inside me the desire for a Happily-Ever-After-sort of love still is very real, but this week I looked around, and thought to myself....Happily ever after simply doesn't exist in the year 2012.  

I don't know if anyone has ever really looked around, and I mean really looked. The divorce rate in the country is over FIFTY PERCENT.  That means over half of all marriages end in divorce.  Statistically, that is heart breaking.   I am a product of divorce, and I don't know if that's what drives my desire for marriage that lasts or feeds my cynicism that says I'm better off just never getting married, never falling in love, and letting go of the dreams that the five year old princess version of me thought up.  I really looked around this weekend, and I have very few references for successful marriages that I have witnessed.  

This week I found myself asking if true love even really exist.  Can I just say that. that thought crushed my soul? I think I spent most of this weekend wishing I'd never even watched a Disney movie, and as a lover of Disney movies that breaks my heart.  While cynicism and naivete battled it out in my heart, God made this clear...

First, God is love.  Knowing that, and believing in God reassures my heart that love must exist, because I know God exist. 

Second, My happily ever after was established long ago. God called me His child, and then He sent his son, Jesus Christ to die for me.  That sacrifice in itself is an expression of the purest form of love.  My happily ever after isn't in this life, it's in the next one.  The five year old version of me, desperately wants to believe in Disney movies. The child that God called His, knows that "Happily Ever After" is promised to me in eternity.

Third,  The only man I'm currently interested in chasing is Jesus. God has placed a call on my life to go to Uganda, and spread His love.  In thinking about that my heart fills with joy.  I found myself doubting love, and God reminded me that He has called me to do just that, love.

Fourth, God has shown me love not only through the sacrifice of Jesus, but through the people He has placed in my life. The desire of my heart is to pass the love I have been given through my christian community on to other people.

More than anything God has called us to love on this earth, and love exists in so many more ways than the Disney movies would have you believe.  Don't get me wrong I still love my Disney movies, and I still want to believe in Prince Charming, but it's not my fairy tale ending.

Naivete and cynicism still play their part, and their still both at odds inside of me when it comes to love and marriage.  I can only hope that somewhere on that scale a real-life love can be found, and a marriage can settle and be successful in that. 

Regardless of what happens, My fairy tale ending comes in the next life when I am spending every moment worshipping a God that is perfect and loving, and the best prince charming I could ask for already died to save me, and in that reconciled me with a perfect God that I long to know more intimately.

Twenty Minutes that Changed Everything

I usually don't talk to people in my classes, at least not people who don't sit directly next to me. It's not that I don't want to, but really just because the opportunity rarely presents itself.  Yesterday was my last day of in-class classes, and a weird thing happened so here it goes...

There was a girl who sat probably 8 desks away from me, and while I knew her name, we had never talked. Well it was the day of the final and we were the first 2 in class with twenty minutes to spare before the final, so we started talking.  

Side Note: I don't usually share my feelings with people I know (I'm sort of a bottler) And I definitely don't share my feelings with strangers.

In our process of talking she really started to let me in her life. She told me about her parent's divorce and her life long struggle with depression, and usually I find these conversations awkward, but this one wasn't for whatever reason.  She then showed me a poster she had on her computer, and in big bold lettering it said: "What would happen if we treated all diseases the way we treat depression?"  At this point in time we had really bonded in the previous five minutes.  I don't know why, but I opened up a bit (perhaps I felt called to let her know she wasn't alone?) We talked about our experiences in life, and the struggle it is to explain depression to people who just don't understand. We don't choose to feel the things we feel, in fact we'd rather choose much happier feelings, but it doesn't always work like that.

I should have taken that moment to open up about Christ. I didn't, time ran short, people started walking in,  I got shy, and I wish I would have said more, after all Christ has been my biggest defender in this terrible battle with depression. Lesson learned, next time I am totally taking it to that level. However I took something else very valuable away. 

I am not alone.

I know it sounds silly, and like "Well, duh you should have known that," but honestly sometimes I forget.  I feel like I spend so much time with people who don't understand this battle that I face, or perhaps they do and they just never talk about it...I don't know. Then again I don't usually bring it up either.  I feel like sometimes we take the humanness out of ourselves, in effort to be more presentable to others? I don't know. It's like we make this huge effort to show each other this perfect package in all of us that doesn't really exist.  I'm done trying, it doesn't work and more often than not it makes me feel isolated. I'm making the effort to be me more.  I don't know why I've been so intent on being this "strong person" and this "perfect package with a bow on it" I am not those things, but oddly enough in recognizing that I made a more real, human connection with someone I talked to in 20 minutes than I have with 80% of the people I see and talk to daily.  I guess this is my promise to make an effort to be less of the "funny kid" that I use to mask emotions and more of the me that I really am, the me that deserves to be valued, not hidden away.  

So I promise to start living life with people. I promise to put away the "funny kid", and really start to let people in, and not just via blog. We are all human, and I have no intention of continuing the trend that is so present in society. I am not a perfectly wrapped gift with a bow on it. I'm a UPS package that has been dropped and dented a few times, but God loves me, Christ died for me, and I think that means I am worth loving relationships in this life.

Now that all of this has been said: I am much happier, and I'm ready for this next stage of my life. 

I Owe God More.

Tonight was one of those nights. I was veggin' out on my couch, watching Miss Advised (probably 2nd to only Dance Moms) after having gorged down dinner with Kate, and then God interrupted.

If it had been an audible conversation and not the Holy Spirit it would have gone like this:

God: Go read your Bible.
Me: No God, I'm watching Miss Advised...later.
God: I'm going to keep bothering you until you do it.
Me: I'm going to keep watching Miss Advised, and actively ignoring you.

*ten minutes pass*

Me: Okay, fine, you win, stop looking at me like that.

Okay so I did get up, put the television on mute, grabbed my Bible, and sat down on my bed.  I ended up at the book of Malachi.  I'd read it once before (I only know because it had been highlighted, but up until rereading it, I probably couldn't have told you what it was about.)  The book of Malachi revolves around God's people short-changing him.  (Really there is no better term, God was straight getting gipped.)  They were sacrificing blind/crippled animals they couldn't sell, they weren't tithing, and even the priest weren't living up to the standards God had set. On top of it all, they were complaining...about everything.  God's response..."Come worship me when you mean it."

Convicted? Oh yes.  Can I tell you how often I pick Dance Moms over Jesus?  Okay I honestly don't want to admit that number in a blog, but even once is too many.  Oh and new episodes of Dance Moms premieres on Tuesdays (aka during Community Group) and I am pretty sure every single Tuesday I throw in a comment about how mad I am about missing Dance Moms (Okay I have a problem, I know God already made it clear) It's not just Dance Moms though...God calls us to use our time, talent, and treasure to serve His kingdom, and I think it is fair to say I've been slacking.

God is calling me to more. More time with Him. More time with His people. More use of the gifts He has given me. More sacrifice in my life, so I can serve others. I owe God so much more than what I am currently giving.  It really is a gut-wrenching realization. I feel like I have short-changed the God that has breathed life into me, and has given me EVERYTHING for a few episodes of Dance Moms, and more time on my couch.  I think it's time to re-evaluate how I am living my life. I am spending a whole lot of time doing things that aren't growing his Kingdom in any way, I am spending a whole lot of time serving myself, and not Him.  (I sort of feel like it's 20% Him and 80% me, and I sort of feel like it needs to be closer to 100% Him and 0% me...P.S. admitting that sucks.)

I'm promising Him more. I don't really know what that looks like, but I'm going to find out.  I think it starts with less time watching Dance Moms, Miss Advised, and the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  (I won't continue the list but I can tell you RHNJ is Sunday nights, Miss Advised is Mondays, and Dance Moms is Tuesday...you get the point...I am a trash T.V. junkie...it is my guilty pleasure without a doubt)

For the past few months I've prayed more Him, and less me, and I think He is calling me to it, and I couldn't be happier. I want nothing more than a life that actively seeks Him in everything I do, after all I've learned over and over again that I am most joyous at the center of His will. There will be times when I need a kick in the butt (Tonight is example A) but I know God kicking me into gear, simply means that He has truly set me apart, and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

So one more time, God I ask for a whole lot more of you, and a whole lot less of me.

Yesterday's News

I guess it's time to write another blog, but first a very important excerpt from an e-mail  I received yesterday...

"Sorry that it has taken some time for me to review your application and get back to you regarding serving with Rafiki Africa Ministries. I have reviewed your application and we would love to have you serve at the orphanage!! 

What dates would you prefer to come to Uganda? On your application you mentioned coming for 6-8 weeks and anytime in the Spring of 2013. We would love for you to come sometime in February 2013"  

 

Did you read what that said? Cause I have read it one million times now so feel free to read it again.  Seriously go read it again, or I am not continuing.

I AM GOING TO UGANDA IN FEBRUARY 2013!!!! 

So the first time I said it out loud to a friend on the phone I just started crying and laughing.  I have waited, and prayed, and waited, and prayed for this email.  Then it got here, prayers answered, this stage of waiting is now over, and now I am planning/fundraising/preparing for a trip to Africa.

Praise Jesus for this moment, for the moments to come, and for the day I get to live out a call He has placed in front of me.  I am excited, and overjoyed at this opportunity.  Now that it's happening, in hindsight it is easy to see God had this planned long ago. Many things happened to get me to this point where I could not only hear and discern this call from God, but that I would have the exact people in my life now encouraging this trip, and loving me through freak out after freak out.  

So in 29ish weeks I will be boarding a plane with my Bible and an ipod flying across the ocean (conquering my fear of planes, and airports) with Jesus as my guide, my friend, and my protector. I couldn't think of a better travel partner to be honest (My mom is wishing that her, 5 body guards, a friend, and a traveling connoisseur were going with me, but I keep telling her Jesus is a way better option.)  Bless my mom for worrying, but uhh I too am a worrier by nature (anyone want to guess which parent passed that onto me? I'll give you a hint...it wasn't dad!) and therefore I need her to not worry, because I need her to stop me from worrying.  So prayers that one of us (my mom or I, or both would be nice) could maintain a grip on reality as this adventure proceeds.

Other details:

Fundraising starts NOW. This trip is going to cost money (lame right?) but the money will be there because God has called me to this so I am not going to get hung up on this little detail.  I have bills back here I have to maintain while I serve in the orphanage for 8 weeks, I have to cover my own airfare, and due to inflation in Uganda it is about $300/week right now to stay in the orphanage, which would cover transportation, food, internet, housing etc.  So currently this is what I need: Fundraising ideas, helping to carry out those ideas/plans, and prayers.  If you would like to donate to this trip monetarily I can give you the information on where to send the money so it is tax deductible. 

Please know that money is not the only way to support me in this. Prayers, encouragement, love, helping hands are all going to be needed to get this underway. God has all of the money in the world, and I believe that the money will happen one way or another. I firmly believe God hasn't gotten me this far for anything to stand in the way. There will be obstacles, but I have a God bigger than any obstacle.

Most importantly: Please keep praying.  Prayers, prayers, and more prayers.  Last week one of the lovely ladies I go to church with pulled me aside and told me she felt the Holy Spirit pulling on her to encourage me. I needed it.  God has His way of working through people in times like this.  It means the world to me to have such strong support from everyone.  My mentor for the past two months has been diving into this with me, and helping me with every freak out I've had, and on Thursday told me she really believed in this, and that too means so much to me.  I need my family in Christ more than ever right now as I spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally prepare for this trip. I am 22, and my life is changing in dramatic ways.  I know I CANNOT do this without God and my Christian community, I know that. So Thank you times a million for any words of encouragement, love, or prayers you send up  to God for this trip over the next 29-37 weeks.

All my love to each of you! 

Because Occasionally I Write Poetry...

It's like people are waiting on me, 

but not on the me, that I am right now. 

Like one day the world will wake, and well I, 

I will be this new person, that isn't so broken? 

(Is broken the right word?) 

We're in a room now, and I'm standing in front of you.

The words "I'll just wait," hang delicately between us

But the version of me that you are surely waiting on, 

may not exist. This is it, and there is nothing more. 

I stare at the floor, or off into the distance,

I don't want to see the longing, or worse, the 

disappointment that grows with every moment.

Perhaps if we wait long enough, the person you've been waiting on

will stumble in, and I will realize it was never me in the first place.

Or maybe you will see that there is nothing more, waiting is useless,

and quietly you will tiptoe out of the room, and never look back. 

Time keeps passing, and I'm starting to wonder how much longer.

And then I wonder if it's possible for you to take me exactly as I am. 

It's a fleeting thought, but it seems to linger a second too long.

For just a single moment, I believe I am enough.

What A Day!

Updates on well, everything.

Africa...

I am still waiting on the official email that says everything is a go, but in the meantime I'm getting things accomplished.

*Dates for vaccinations are set up (12/20/12)
*Passport application completed and turned in. (4-6 weeks this girl will have a passport, and will hopefully have exact dates by that time)

Most importantly, I feel that this call keeps being reaffirmed by God.  Every time I begin to doubt without fail the Holy Spirit has come to remind me of why this is happening, and how blessed I am to have this opportunity. Also without fail right when I think something will stand in my way, the obstacle is promptly conquered...God has that ability, and it is amazing to watch.

Work....

As of today, I have accepted a full-time teller position at Great Southern.  Here is the amazing thing, my managers are fully aware that I am leaving for Africa in the spring, and they are proceeding with this offer anyway. This was not the original plan, but it feels to me like it is God's plan.  This is a guaranteed extra ten hours a week that can be applied to saving for Africa.  It is beautiful how God has truly worked this situation out. His plans keep becoming more apparent, and I couldn't be happier.

School....

I rock at reading Children's Literature, and I also rock at British Lit essays.  So basically, I am rocking this semester out, and actually LOVING my classes.  This section purely got added because zero times in the history of my college life have I loved my classes, and I feel like documenting this time is awfully important.

Life in General...

I made a decision last week that has been slowly but surely approaching for almost six months now. I'm not ready to really talk about it, past that I could really use some prayers.  Tomorrow night could be a real game-changer in my life so pray that everything happens the way it is supposed too.  I need quite a bit of courage and some luck, and unfortunately I have misplaced my Felix Felicis potion (Harry Potter references are totally necessary, please do not judge me.) Regardless send up some prayers for me in regards to this matter, and I would be incredibly grateful.

In other news,

God keeps showing up, and I just hope I continue to pursue Him more and more everyday. More Him, and less me.

I Need Out

So in the overwhelming emotions of Lauren, this week  the "I need out" kicked in.  I go through this occasionally. Last time I was a senior in high school getting ready to leave my parents house and move to Arkansas.  I think it's my reaction to overcome fear, like instead of being scared I just get restless.

But seriously... it was just one of those days that made me feel so blessed to know there were better things on the horizon.  I just hit a point today where I realized everything is changing, and I'm enjoying the ride. I'm sure there will still be freak out moments and panic (lots of panic) but today when I started to think about graduation, and life six to eight months from now I genuinely got so excited I couldn't stop smiling.

I look forward to what lies ahead, and I'm ready to move on.  I need someone to keep me in check though, because I can't abandon here and now quite yet. I have to graduate, I have a job that I still have to maintain until the day I board a plane, and ultimately there is a reason why God has placed this call for post-graduation and not sooner.

There is a weird balancing act here I never thought I'd have to pull off and it looks like this:

1) Enjoy now, get prepared, use this time God has given me for preparation.
2) Be excited about the future, don't be anxious, but instead keep praying, God will lead.
3) Don't be too excited about the future that you forget to do #1

I went from sitting across from my mentor, almost in tears, from being told to read a book (Kisses from Katie, it's fair to say it was in fact a game changer in the "Life Plans of Lauren") to now, the point where I am overwhelmingly excited. There will still be tears (they were present on Sunday) but they are less "I can't do this," and more of "I can't believe I am this blessed."

I know I keep ranting about this trip, but it has very much consumed me.  It is the forefront of every prayer and every conversation and honestly, every thought.  My mind is one-tracked in that way.  Which really brings me back to: I need to reality check myself. I have a semester left at MSU, here in Springfield, Missouri, which means I need to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually present here for the time being.

I should also mention I'm not good at balancing acts...so, um...can I board a plane yet? (Disclaimer: When it is time to physically board a plane, I will be crying hysterically, and freaking out, but that time isn't now so I'm just overly anxious to leave...)

The Overwhelming Moments

So prepare for more word-vomit about missions in Africa...

Are you ready?

Okay, here we go...

This is my everyday series of thoughts and events:  "I cannot wait to get out of Springfield. I cannot wait to board a plane and go. I'm so excited this is happening. I'm ready God, can I just go now? Okay how about now?"  Cue minor event (an email, a bible verse, a passport application, a doctor's appointment for vaccinations, a conversation with a friend, my own thoughts occasionally) "Oh crap. This is happening. I can't do this. What happens if I get lost? What happens if something goes terribly wrong. I can't breath. I can't think about this. Too much. Too soon. Too much. Canada! Can I just go to Canada? Canadian orphans need help too." Cue the Holy Spirit stepping in, sometimes via someone else. "I can do this. God has a plan, I just have to trust Him. This is life changing, and God has it under control. I just have to follow His lead.  I am called to do this, it is all God's will. It's going to be okay."

Now that repeats about six times a day. To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement.  I am somewhere between couldn't be more frightened, and couldn't be more excited.  As I talk about it with people, the emotions involved whirlwind, today I just sort of started crying after church. Luckily I have been met with so much support, and love, and excitement.

God keeps reminding me with every freak out that I am not doing this alone.  The Holy Spirit has pushed me this far, and by the grace of God, it will keep pushing me further.  More than ever I've seen the Holy Spirit talk through people in most unexpected ways.  God has made his presence known to me in more and more ways.  It seems every time I start to doubt Him, or I feel like I have discerned incorrectly He sends a reminder, or a big red flashing sign that I am on the path He has called me too.

I want this to glorify Him. This is not me. This is NOT me. I am doing none of this. This is not my plan for my life, this is God's plan for my life. I have to keep saying that, I have got to keep saying that. When people tell me how awesome it is that I am making these decisions I have to constantly keep God at the forefront. I am NOT making these decisions. I have been called, and honestly I tried to say no to this call. This call is scary, and unfamiliar to me. God has sent the Holy Spirit to push me further and further into this. None of this is me, I am just a part of a plan that is bigger than myself.  I honestly think this trip is going to be a bigger blessing to me than anyone else.  Yes, I am going to Africa, and yes I plan on sharing the love of Jesus with kids who have experienced more pain, and sorrow than  I can put into words, but God could call a lot of people to this, and He has called me.  In my mind that means He has an incredible amount to teach me.

Overwhelmed or not, I am doing this. Scared or not, this is happening. I know I keep saying "This is happening." I'm sure you all get that at this point, but I think when I write "This is happening." it reaffirms it for me.  I need to keep seeing it in writing. It makes it a bit more real, because honestly, until I step foot on Ugandan soil, it isn't going to feel real.

Keep praying. Please keep praying. Did I mention to keep praying? There is a lot still up in the air, the orphanage still has to email me back saying "Yes,we want you here for 8 weeks. Board a plane on this day, and we will pick you up."  I long for that email more than anything else these days.

Seriously I cannot praise God enough for everyone that is supporting this in various ways. I cannot praise God enough for all of you. I cannot praise Him enough for the life He has given me, that has led me to this point.  I am entirely overwhelmed with blessings, emotions, and praise for God. I am also entirely overwhelmed by the love of the people He has put around me.

Overwhelmed seems to be the feeling I get most, but honestly I don't think I want life any other way right now.

It Seems This is Actually Happening...

I am anxious. Not the bad, nervous, anxious, rather the I need something new anxious.

I think it is why this week I've been feeling more "Can I board a plane for Africa already?!?" and less "Holy Motown Batman what have I gotten myself into?!?"  The anxiousness of leaving really kicked in on Tuesday when I officially said no to a full-time teller position.  I think that's when it really hit me that  I wanted this trip so badly that sacrifices I thought I couldn't make, would indeed be made.

So Starbucks habit? Knocked out. (I even missed out on free coffee day, and free is in the budget!)

Job decisions? Made.

All that's left is to leave right? ...well not exactly.  

Progress is definitely happening. During one of my more anxious moments today I called the doctor to make an appointment for vaccinations (12/20/12...oh that seems so far away), so that is one thing I can check off of my "to-do" list.  Tuesday, on my day off, I'm headed to the post office with my filled out DS-11 and getting my passport.  As I plan more things, and more details fall into place, I get more anxious (the good kind), and less scared (hallelujah, praise God!)

My parents are also falling into the excited boat these days too it seems. My dad started to really get excited for me when I was home last and we ate dinner together and talked about it for almost an hour.  My mom yesterday volunteered to officially dog-sit and pay for vaccinations, which is a huge step for her because she has for sure needed some convincing.  It seems that all is coming together, and I couldn't be happier.

Then tonight I ate dinner with a friend, who is an International Business major (this girl loves to travel) and as we talked about her semester she spent in London, I only got more excited for what awaits me in Africa.  At this point 8 weeks is almost not seeming long enough...

This is real. This is happening. I cannot believe it, and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know I need to be focused on here and now (this girl has to graduate before boarding a plane to anywhere...) Nonetheless I am having trouble containing myself (I know blog #17 about Africa.)  I think I just need to find myself a hobby to keep me entertained between now and then, I think the hobby might just be "How much money can Lauren save?" Did someone say coupons?

Okay I'll stop going on about nonsense, blog quality has quickly declined over the past two paragraphs.  But seriously, on a more important note there is this:

My God is an amazing being, and I can't even begin to fathom His love for me.  I just keep thinking how blessed I am for my earthly parents, and how I'm even more blessed because of my Heavenly Father who loves me.  I can't even put into words how I'm feeling or how excited I am.

Pursuing Dreams...

First let me say: "If your dreams don't scare you, then they aren't big enough."  Let me tell you this dream of 8 weeks in Africa scares me way more than anything else I've faced in life.

Okay so here it is....

Sometimes (okay all of the time) I need reassurance that I am doing the right thing.  I can't make decisions for the life of me. Oh, and please never ask me to choose sides in a fight. I just can't do it.  It isn't in my nature. Even when I know what I want, I usually don't realize how much I want it until it is no longer an option to have.

I've wanted to be full time for the past year at my job. It means so many things in my world. It's one step closer to being an "adult." It means benefits that I don't reap as a part-time teller, and it also means that I've climbed the ladder one (mind you very small, but still) one step higher in the business world.  Before it ever became a tangible, I wanted it.  This week it became so tangible I thought I had it in my hands. Turns out there was going to have to be a trade off.  I was asked to make a one year commitment at least, so July 2012-July 2013 to stay at my job in this full time position.

I can't do both a one year commitment and be in Africa for eight weeks in the Spring of 2013.  I found myself having to make a decision.  I started to take polls of the people around me.  What did they think I should do? Would postponing my trip three or four months really make a difference?  Is going to Africa really what I should be doing with my time?  

Let me say this: I have amazing friends, family, and a God-filled Christian community around me.  So much so that, this decision was incredibly hard, and I did desire their input.  I wanted someone I trusted and loved to tell me what to do, obviously no one was going to do that.  I gave a lot of reasons why postponing, and taking the job instead would be beneficial. More time to save. It's just a few months. There are benefits. Paid holidays. Not a single person played into any of those excuses.

So this is where I stand:

My favorite movie is "Up in the Air" with George Clooney and the only line that keeps replaying in my head right now is when he is sitting across the table from one of the people he has just fired and he says..."How much did they pay you to first give up on your dreams?"  That line punches me in the gut. I've spent months finding the courage to just send in an application, the whole time being scared out of my mind,  but thinking how much of a life changing experience it is to have a God that has called me to this big of a plan.  Ten more hours a week, six paid holidays, and a few extra benefits is not and never will be enough to give up on my dream.

I want to go to Africa, and sacrifice is undoubtedly going to play a major role in getting there. "You get a strange feeling when you are about to leave a place; like you'll not only miss the people you love, but you'll miss the person you are at this time and place because you'll never be this way again."  Things are changing. I am changing. Life is changing.   

I am scared, incredibly scared, more scared than I've been in a very long time but I refuse to let fear stop me from pursuing what makes me happy

All I can say is right now my friends, and family are a driving factor.  I get myself on these metaphorical ledges and I can't talk myself down sometimes, so God has without a doubt been sending just the right people, with just the right words, at the exact times to pull me back down to reality and show me just how much confidence and love they have for me, and show me the side of me that says "I can do this."

This is happening, and today's decision means I am one step closer. 

So once again I find myself saying this: God more of you, less of me. I want Your will not mine done, so I am all in.  

Dearest friends, keep praying for this. Please keep praying for this.  I need you all more than ever.  I'm not able to do this on my own, but with God and the people He has put in my life this can happen, and knowing that is an amazing feeling.  I am blessed to be given this chance. I am blessed to be given the people I've been given in my life. I am blessed to be on the path I'm on.

Fear.

Fear is probably the emotion I hate most. Mainly because all of my life I have let it guide me in one way or another.  Fear and worry are my two worst enemies, and probably my two biggest pitfalls.

This week someone asked me if I was scared to go to Africa...the answer...yes. I am absolutely terrified.  I know nothing about international travel, and nothing about airports.  I watch crazy shows about people who get arrested in foreign countries and never come home. I have odd paranoias about something going terribly wrong.  Then on top of that, I'll be alone.  The only thing worse than being afraid, is being afraid and by yourself.

Crap. What have I gotten myself into?

I do know this: being afraid is easy, really easy. Letting fear make your decisions is also pretty easy regardless of how undesirable it might be.  I've thought of backing out of this whole going to Africa thing probably once a day, but something keeps pushing me. I think we can call that something the Holy Spirit without a doubt. The Holy Spirit is going to give me the courage, because God knows (and so do I) I do not have it.

I guess the point of this isn't me having some earth shattering realization that trusting God is way better than being afraid.  I know that trusting God is the way to go, but I am human, and seem to really be falling short of that right now thanks to my two "friends" Worry and Fear. (And the thing that just ran through my head...oh look at me using an allegory in a blog... okay... sorry... I have ADD)

God is steering this ship, and I have a feeling ready or not I'm leaving for Africa sooner rather than later. Praise God for giving me this opportunity, I truly am blessed to be able to have the chance to serve His Kingdom.

Yes I'm afraid in a way that I don't think I can adequately put into words.

However, it just doesn't matter because I'm on God's plan, not mine, and I am all in.

The Book Thief, Jesus/Priorities, and oh yes, Uganda

Side rant before the point of this blog post: I've been rereading one of my favorite books of all times. It's called "The Book Thief" by Marcus Zusak. The narrator, is death, the main character is a young german girl in WWII, her story is one I cannot put down.  Let me set it up for you with an excerpt from the book:

      "It's the leftover humans.
       The survivors.
       They're the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail. I deliberately seek out the colors to keep my mind off of them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind, crumbling among the jigsaw puzzle of realization, despair, and surprise.  They have punctured hearts. They have beaten lungs.
       Which in turn brings me to the subject I am telling you about tonight, or today, or whatever the hour and color. It's the story of one of those perpetual survivors - an expert at being left behind.
      It's just a small story really, about, among other things:
      *A girl
      *Some words
      *An accordionist
      * Some fanatical Germans
     * A Jewish fist fighter
     *And quite a lot of thievery

I saw the book thief three times."

Let me say, the entire book is amazing. I love the plot, the characters, the setting, and the timing of everything, basically I put this in here because it is my favorite book and I think everyone should read it, and well page five summarizes it so that's what you got. Now go read this book.

Okay the actual point of this Blog:

This week was dubbed Lauren week (as well as the next three weeks), by yours truly, me.  I needed it. I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. I was going to lock myself in my room and read a novel (check) I was going to podcast some Matt Chandler (check and check) I was going to spend a focus and concentrated effort on prayer (chhhecccck) and I was going to dive in with Jesus (oh yes, you better believe it...check)  So far so good. The ship has been smooth sailing, but the break is over, well sort of... People, I am an extrovert. I made it 48 hours (a really nice, restful 48 hours though) before there was frozen yogurt with a friend, pizza night with a coworker, and the rest of the week got filled up with many o'things as well.

So what I learned?

If I make Jesus a priority like I did this week all week long, every week can in fact be Lauren and Jesus week.  I feel rejuvenated.  I feel ready to go, and I feel like I can conquer next week without a doubt.  I'm an extrovert through, and through, but there is something to be said for quiet time.  I thought it meant I needed to disappear for a month, and get things going for me, and form new habits.  I do in fact need to form new habits, but the plan does not include slipping away to the forrest for a month. Rather the plan looks more like finding time to podcast sermons (like while cleaning my bathroom), and praying during moments where I'm doing something that gives me a chance to stop and rest (driving), oh and sometimes/occasionally telling my friends that I can't stay out for more than an hour because I really need to go home and read my novel (okay so that one isn't Jesus-centric, but I really forgot how much I love reading novels)

So break? Over. Making Jesus a priority...EVERY DAY, making my own sanity a priority, also every day.   I think I am going back to the Lauren who inhaled novels like oxygen, because once again I really missed reading my novels.  I guess really more than a break I needed my priorities to get straightened out. School is important, work is important, friends and family are important, but nothing is more important than spending time with Jesus.  Turns out I can do all of the above in an appropriate fashion if I prioritize. Jesus first, and everything else will fall into place.

So now for the drum roll for the finale of this blog post, and what I am most excited about currently...Uganda.

Money has still got me freaking out, and for all of a day I was considering rethinking the timeline of this trip, and possibly postponing in order for more time. That thought was a terrible idea. I'm going after this, and nothing is stopping me. I haven't stopped thinking about it, or talking about it since the opportunity arose and I was going to postpone it? Nope. Not Happening. Put me on a plane now please.  So in other news rather than my lame ideas like postponing my dreams, I got an email from Sara (the director of Rafiki Ministries) My application is in, they are waiting on my pastoral reference, but so far so good.  I cannot wait to leave.  I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, my heart races, and I get scared, and nervous, and excited, and then I get goosebumps, and it's all of these emotions with God's voice whispering "Everything is about to change." And in my head He is always winking/smiling/giving me the "go for it" nudge  (okay so I have a weird mental image of God, just let me be) Anyhow, everything really is going to change, but I think by everything it's mostly me. I am going to change, and I could not be happier/more excited/more ready.  My one request? Keep praying for this, for me, for Africa, for fundraising, and for anything else you can think of.

God, may there be more of you, and a whole lot less of me.

A Month Long Break From the World

I suppose this is more of an announcement than anything....

I am taking a break from everything, and everyone.

Pause. Stop.  I already know what you're thinking. Cue Lauren's tendency to run away.  For a while I was convinced this was exactly what was happening too, but tonight I gained some clarity.

The past few weeks/month has been rough for me. Somewhere along the lines I've lost my identity as a daughter of God.  Instead I was looking around and seeing how I didn't fit in with ANYONE.  I'm not married and starting a family like 98% of my church, I'm not really the party type like most college kids(and some of my friends), which leaves me in the middle.  I'm ready to declare my independence as an adult, but I also feel like I don't meet the standard "criteria" to be an adult (marriage, family, full-time job, etc) I pay my bills which makes me a responsible college-aged person, but not quite the "adult" I would like to be at this point.

Light bulb:  As a Christian I am not meant to "fit-in" so I should probably just get used to it. God has bigger plans for me, and while His plans aren't happening on my time there is a reason.  I've stopped putting everything I have into being a Christian and following Christ, and have started focusing on all of the places where I don't quite fit.  No wonder the depression has been hanging around, and no wonder I've spent so much time whining, crying, and complaining about all of the things that aren't happening to me.

So I need a break from nearly everything, and nearly everyone.  What will this solve?

I'm not sure. Ideally I want to take the next month and focus on no other relationship than my relationship with Christ.  Yes, as a Christian I am called to live in community, and I am totally up for that, but simultaneously I am absolutely worthless in community if I am not centered on my Lord and Savior.

So here is the plan: For the month of July I am out. I need a break from all of it. I need to stop seeing where I don't fit, and start feeling where I fit perfectly in relationship with Christ.  I need to get my feet on solid ground that only God can provide, and being so sure in that relationship that this doesn't happen over and over again as I make the transition from college life to real world.

How do we guarantee I am not just running away?  I still plan on being accountable to people. Yes, I'm taking a break and escaping for a while, but come end of July if I'm not back, present, and more Christ-centered then it's time to reevaluate the situation.  I am committing to a one month break, if it needs to be longer, this topic can be revisited. If it needs to be shorter, then I shall pop back up out of my hole.

So how far is this going?  I plan on still blogging.  Mainly because I blog for myself not for anyone else, and I feel like it is a good way for people to still be able to check-in with me, while me still getting the break I need. Facebook and Twitter are on the fence. I am unsure if they will stay or go for the month...I'll be praying about this and if they suddenly go missing well everyone now knows why. My phone? I'll have it on me, but perhaps it will be off more often than on. Group settings? I'm out. I'll be back, but I need this time for myself and for my relationship with God.  Hang out times with friends? Extremely limited, obviously if it's earth shattering I'll be there for any of my friends in a heartbeat, but currently I need to go MIA from the world so I can become re-centered.

So what am I doing instead? Focusing on my relationship with Christ. Reading the Bible more, praying often, and letting God guide me into what happens next.

Love you all, and I am very thankful for everything I have in my friendships and relationships, and I hope after this is done and over with I have more to offer to every friendship and relationship I have.

God needs to come first, and I plan on making that a conscious point of the next month.  Prayers from everyone would be much appreciated, and if there is anything you need prayers for let me know.

Home Sweet Home

Tonight I realized suburban St. Louis (specifically Oakville) will always hold a very special part of me.  When I was coming back "home" while my parents were living in Arnold there was no attachment, I never reminisced as I drove into town of the year and a half I spent in that house, and I hardly ever missed the house I barely knew.  Tonight was different though.

I drove down Telegraph (the main road here in Oakville) back to the house I spent seventeen years in.  The house I lived in with both my mom and my dad when I was really young, the house that I actually grew up in.  The house in Oakville is filled with seventeen years of memories, good and bad, but definitely more good.  I loved walking into the familiarity of my childhood, a house that actually feels like "home."

But this isn't home. The house in Arnold wasn't home. My apartment in Springfield isn't home either.  Every "house" here on this earth is finite and temporary, and while there are memories in each of these places, the place I long to call home I haven't yet seen.

Home is with God.  Now isn't my time, and frankly I don't know when is, but a part of me longs for it.  I can't wait to spend every moment worshipping my perfect God in His perfect Heavenly home where He has prepared a place for me.  Only then will the term "Home Sweet Home" truly have meaning.

I long to know my God in a way that I can only know Him after I leave this temporary "home."

Until then I pray I can spend every day walking with Him, striving to be more like His Son, Jesus, and loving His people here on Earth.  I don't know when I'll enter my permanent home, but until I do, I want to enjoy this one for all of the beauty it has to offer, and I hope overall I can add to that beauty in someway rather than take away from it.

"I can only imagine, when all I will do is forever, forever worship You, I can only imagine"- Mercy Me

God Laughed at Me.

For the past,  I don't know, two weeks I have done a whole lot of whining to God about all of the reasons He wasn't actually sending me to Africa. I was discouraged, and upset, and slightly angry. God had laid something on my heart, and then I told Him all of the reasons He was wrong.

Let me tell you this....God isn't wrong...ever.

So tonight Book Club happened and my attitude was awful. Africa wasn't happening, my dreams were dashed, and this kid hadn't even sent in the application, I had just decided game over.  No one really said anything about my lame attitude (although really ladies...next time hit me... lol j/k sort of...) So I got home doing what I do best (reeling in my own self pity, and throwing parties) when God kicked me in the face.

I was just about to sit down and write a blog about how nothing was happening, and this was too hard and the towel was being thrown in, and then God laughed at me. HE LAUGHED AT ME (yes, shouty caps were necessary for this)

The perfect God that spoke the world into motion, gave Sarah and Abraham a son at the age of 90 something,  helped Noah build the ark, Moses part the Red Sea, and sent His Son to die for all of the worlds sin in order to save His children that were fallen and sinful also laid Africa on my heart, and I (the girl who has ADD, hasn't even gotten a college degree yet, and puts the "fun" in dysfunctional) told Him that He couldn't possibly send me to Africa cause it was going to cost too many dollars.

Yes. He laughed at me.  He didn't need the lovely ladies from book club to hit me, because He was going to give me the wake up call Himself.

Okay so the good news:

MY APPLICATION IS FINISHED AND SENT! (So many shouty caps in one blog...sorry)

Do I still have worries and anxieties? Oh yes. But let's be real here...one step at a time. So I am one step  closer than I was yesterday, and as this weekend approaches and I head home to go get my birth certificate to send off for my passport I will be one more step closer.

This is happening. God has a plan, and I can't wait to watch it unfold.

God, I am still all in.